Tip O' the Hat

I saw this image in yesterday's Onion, too, although this one seems to have reached into the RedEye as well. Free Chicago newspapers are a wealth of entertainment.

I won't hotlink it, because websites hate that, but here's the link, extra-conspicuous like:

http://i.imgur.com/60zp8.jpg

The ad in question is Miracle Whip's response to this lovely gem of a Colbert moment.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Mayo-lution Will Not Be Televised
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

Let the genius unfold.

Honestly, I can't think of a marketing department I've ever been more proud of in response to Colbert's no-one-is-safe style. The feud itself is almost 100% innocuous, promising only to get an ad department some serious notice in the corporate world -- probably one that will continue to make waves in the shows they sponsor as a particular gimmick. If this works, the same may continue, with Kraft being the leader in response, going where Doritos and Sierra Mist have long been reluctant to tread.

But it signifies something even bigger in the world of Mr. Stephen T. Colbert: In the same short period, he was allowed to broadcast from Iraq (a very Bob Hope-esque growth), officially made his fanbase the sponsor for an Olympic team, and truly tore down the wall between product placement and traditional advertising. The third is something we haven't seen since going out of style in the 50's -- a style from which we get the phrase "Soap Opera," referring to the characters in the show -- during the show -- often hocking the soap-selling sponsors.

But what's more, Colbert's been insistent enough to develop a different relationship than this old Advertiser/slave formula. Instead of being controlled, he plays them like puppets -- often his character becomes obsessed with a product or concept intermittently before any developments actually occur, such as a space treadmill or an Hungarian bridge. By beating the marketers to their punch, he becomes a real mothflame: the exposure isn't just pre-built, it's pre-shopped, as Colbert's audience only tolerates the more absurd and eccentric. If Colbert mentions it, that's probably the lost audience they've been failing to reach for years -- and he noticed it before they did.

It's mostly amazing that this Yes, And... style is surviving this long, but only when you don't know the draw of an improv audience. Even the bad stuff is gold, and the Report takes this philosophy seriously every night. Willing to go to any corner for a laugh or an insight, the entire production tends to open more doors than most networks can manage in a decade. Colbert certainly has a loud knock. Weekly sketch comedy is fun and complex pop. Stand-up is as well orchestrated as any symphony, hence being enjoyed ad nauseam. But the improv style is never stale; as fluid as jazz and louder than death metal, it grabs attention. Hopefully more of the audience will begin to play back.

Makes me warm and fuzzy

Imagine my surprise.
I don't live in Baltimore anymore, but I used to. For a good bit of time, I worked at a cop bar. I know the people in this story, and it makes me smile.
It makes me smile because I'm sure it's true. The officer involved is definitely a little gun happy for my taste, and has been known to put down quite a bit of beer on a regular basis. I only wish this would happen to the rest of his little cronies too.
The one part of this whole story that I can blame on anyone but him is that he had to have his gun on him. He was required to carry his gun with him. All Baltimore cops are in the same boat. Going out for a night of drinking; Better be packing heat. No kiddin. I knew a cop that kept her service weapon in her purse, which was then hung on those little hooks under the bar, randomly kicked by drunks. What could possibly go wrong.
So bad, drunk cop with a gun.

on the other hand

This Kid OWNS YOUR SOUL

So I don't know how long these video have been around, but I just saw them this morning.

...Lay off, I have a kid! The best I get to see on a regular basis is a steady stream of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Sprout and Your Baby Can Read DVDs.

This kid officially owns your soul now. This kid is what? 10? 11? 27? (To be honest, I could never really judge a person's age... hence this awesome ankle bracelet and a piece of paper that says I can't go back to any high school in the tri-state area...)

Classy.
But seriously... Let this kid be a lesson to all of you teenage boys who are thinking about starting a band. Don't. Beyond the fact that this kid is talent personified, there are numerous other reasons why you shouldn't start a band. These included: Local music sucks; just because you're good at Guitar Hero doesn't mean you're good at real music; and if your last name isn't Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, etc. you have no chance anyway.

He does EVERYTHING...

Moderately crappy 80's music that everyone knows


Classics (Just wish he did the Spanish version from The Big Lebowski)


Theme Songs


Classics


I'm 26 and can't do ANYTHING half as well as this kid!

You get the idea. So now go waste your entire day watching his entire library on YouTube and his website.

Strange Week

So I'll open up with the fact that I've had a long one and might be just a little out of my head.
One of the first things I discovered this morning is that our president has won the Nobel Peace prize. I must admit this confuses the hell out of me. I'm not trying to get into politics on a pop blog, but a far as I can tell, they're giving him the Nobel peace prize because of all the good they think he's going to do. My research has been less than exhaustive, I admit, but really... the Nobel Prize? He won it on hope, which I admit, is kind of his thing. He's got that hope market pretty solid.
So I've been thinking about this all day and trying to think how to tie it into pop culture so this can be a little relevant for this blog. Then I stumbled on this. Archie is going into 2009 b, and without the requisite 1.21 jigawatts. They're giving him a do-over, apparently because the shocking revelation that he was going to marry Veronica was just unacceptable to the world. That is an entirely different rant.
Before this goes any farther, in an effort to comply with the new ftc regulations coming down the pipeline, Jughead did give me a burger to slander Archie... that ginger bastard.
Back to the rant. What Archie and Obama have in common is a new trend in America. We are coming to a point where hope is all we are asking for, and that's kind of a bummer. The very thought that things might actually get better is all it takes for people to start whooping and punching the air and doing little dances. I've got nothing against doing these things for pretty much any reason... I just wish we had more than "Hey, maybe this will be ok" as a justification. Take what we can get, and if we can't may the lord bless us with a timeline b.
Also, we're bombing the moon.
So we do have that going for us.
Peace, love and biscuits

Dear David Letterman

So the best and brightest, in terms of sexual controversy, always has a couple of very specific elements to it:

1. Someone relatively sleazy.

2. An identifiable victim.

3. A nosy-ass, disapproving third party.

A confusing example of a "sex scandal" that's come up recently, however, is one involving David Letterman, ugly talk show host extraordinaire and all around creepy old dude. Most disturbing about this entire situation is that it is now confirmed that more than one woman has had sex with him.

Even Letterman doesn't quite know how he pulled THAT off.

The part of this whole clusterfuck of gross that's most puzzling, however, is that anyone even cares. Over the years, Letterman hasn't exactly been a doll to work with, but he's no O' Reilly. And he's never been shy about being non-committal: Aside from a stalker or two and a marriage very late in life, his public sex life could be described as incredibly boring (at best). So the instant some dude threatened Letterman with blackmail, of course he copped to the situation. Yes, he had sex. From what's been released, it could be as many as a couple of times. And you know what I say? Good for him.

I personally know at least three guys under the age of thirty-five whose "numbers" stretch well into the the fifties and sixties. THIS is a controversy. It's surprising at this point that their dicks haven't rotted off, or at least been sprained several times. But Letterman? He's a pretty hideous looking funny guy. He makes no bones about the fact that sexually, he's not exactly super successful. But he's a human being, a long-time TV comedian, and a writer: Probably the only people he spends time around, EVER, are employees. I can't blame him for dipping into the only pool he has time for.

With all this in mind, I truly doubt any of the women he had sex with felt their jobs were on the line. Frankly he doesn't seem like he has the castanets to fire someone over a sexual rejection; he'd probably be more likely to promote them for their good sense. And admitting it on national TV is, in my book, the last proof of this: wherever those women are, hopefully they're laughing all the way to work. Which for many of them is probably still backstage at his show. If he thought he should feel guilty about all of this, he probably would have just resigned.

So NOW should just lay the hell off. Yes, he had sex with women in the workplace, which violates a rule that virtually 100% of men have attempted to break themselves (don't shit where you eat). Yes, his wife is probably mad at him for not being the most faithful of men, but it isn't like he's got some on the side now that he has a marriage and a son. It's almost as if those responsible for trumping up these situations are just bored. Leave the guy alone and get back to Pitt and Jolie. At least if one of them goes fuck-rogue, we'll have someone nice to look at on TV.

This is all assuming, of course, that the first person to come forward with an harassment suit ISN'T Paul Schaffer. That's when we'll have a fucking story.

The Ill-Effects of Pop Culture

Yes, we love pop culture. It's everywhere now! Every news website has an Entertainment page and the aisles at every store have loads of entertainment/trash magazines lined up sky high. However, like every other great thing, there are some people who take it way too far.

Fanboy was once a term for the geeky type who holed themselves up in the basement and bitched/worshipped a movie, comic, tv show, etc. But somewhere along the line, being a huge fan of something became socially acceptable. If one wore a Star Wars shirt, you earned yourself a swirlee... You wore a Creed shirt, everyone laughed at you to the point that you actually considered throwing yourself off the highest building you could find (which you still should because that is 100% unacceptable)... If you talked about a video game anywhere, you'd have to try to explain that its improving your hand-eye coordination...

"blah blah blah hairy palms
blah blah blindness blah blah blah not in my bed..."
I present to you the worst of the worst things Pop Culture has given us.

Hot Topic
Oh. My. God. I cannot tell you how much I HATE Hot Topic. Once upon a time, I planned to have a different graphic shirt for each day of the week, so Hot Topic was the place to go... Until I realized that I don't have $25 FOR A FUCKING SHIRT EVER!!!

Beyond that, I hate HT for the fact that the best things in pop culture are brought here to die. Anything that was once slightly popular, Hot Topic will carry every piece of merchandise that is related to that subject. Things that makes sense, like the logo on a sticker or, if applicable, the action figure, or even a shirt with the main character on it. But when you get to the point that they have an shitty mix of Ed Hardy-esque shirts mixed with anything with the movie, or socks with holes in colors or a picture of Jimmy Carter flipping off a donkey in space and a dildo shaped boot with Robert Patrick's face on it... And that's a wrist band!

Prime Example: Look at what it did to Boondock Saints. Before only a select few saw this great movie... Then every goth/athetist had a shirt with a prayer on it and every frat guy had a flask with the "logo" on it.

Me Too! Cars
Once upon a time, if you had a Mustang, Camaro, GTO or any other muscle car, that meant one thing only...

You got the puss.

But somewhere along the lines, these fine pieces of American "Fuck the Roads" craftmenship was replaced with "Hey Dad, buy me that!" foreign piddly shit that has been "tricked out." Of course, the High Holy One of these rodents of the road is the Honda Civic.

Often called the ridiculously racist "Rice Burner" due to it's Asian decent, the "Me too!" car gets it's name from this far-too-common conversation:

Any Jock You Remember From High School: Hey man... What you got?
Some Dude With 14 Popped-Collared American Eagle Polo Shirts: A Red 2008 Honda Civic
Any Jock You Remember From High School: ME TOO!!

I present "The Douche"
And thus a friendship is born based on what Mommy and Daddy bought you so they could keep you out of the house and on the roads, endangering others.

It's bad enough we have to deal with these assholes on any popular stretch of road in any city, town, village, or backwater hoboville... but then Hollywood shoved Gone In 60 Seconds and The Fast and the Furious in our faces.

The only way that movie lives up to it's name is that I click over the station playing it (TBS, BET, etc...) really FAST and if someone says that they were good movies, I get FURIOUS and tear their brainless heads off their popped-collared bodies.

Prime Example: Go to any road refered to as the "Golden Mile" on any night of the week. See if you don't immediately regret that decision. And also try to figure out where they got the money to drive all night in a recession...

Cos Play
The "art" of dressing up like your favorite character from any media.

Pittsburgh Steelers fans
I understand being a fanboy... I have 7 lightsabers that I have mounted on the wall and I only take them down for 2 reasons:

1) To poke the cats while they are sleeping

2) To use during Halloween

I also have a pretty good Jedi costume that stays in my closet and I only take it out for 2 reasons:

1) Halloween, a Halloween party or the rare costume party not in October

2) NEVER BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

But there are people in this world who feel that they need to go to the mall in costumes (What!?!) or to a Comic Convention in scostume (Okay, a little bit more understandable) or just go to their buddies home (again... What!?!) or to dress up for the release of their favorite movie/video game/book...

This is unacceptable. You know why people laughed at the movie Role Models? Little kids shouting expletives and racist remarks is funny, and McLovin acting like a complete tool in his castle land outfit/mindset. Oh, and KISS...

So, attention girls in skimpy outfit and wings: Stop it...

Except you
Prime Example: I have gone to one comic convention, and there I saw a guy dressed up like Heath Ledger's joker (this was before The Dark Knight came out) and he was carrying a double-bladed Darth Maul Force FX lightsaber. Tell me where the connection is and I will gladly praise this man for his ingenius.

Topical Halloween Costumes
So I work for a newspaper. And in such newspaper, we ran an article last week about Top Halloween costumes for this year. Some of the costumes listed were a Sarah Palin mask and Kate Gosselin wig.

Pictured above: Tiny Fey.
Sarah Palin mask unavailable at deadline.
And it's not just this year. Last year was McCain and Obama. For the previous 8 years before that was George W. Bush. 8 years before that, the Clintons. Before that, OJ.

If you buy one of these costumes, you should just stop the payment method right now and send all your money to me.

Prime Example: So many horrible costumes to choose from, but I'd have to go with the Jon & Kate's Kate wig. She's a reality star, a bitch, a horrible mother and all the news sites had a big article about her NEW HAIR STYLE on The View... A topical costume EPIC FAIL!!

Twilight
If you like this movie or these books, you need to go to the library, ask for the classics, go to the aisle and pick any book. Go home, read it. Then take a lighter or matches and do what's right after you've experienced real literature.



Prime Example: It's sad to say, but Twilight fits into any of the above categories, so it's Prime Example is all of it and how horrible this phenomenon is. It has invaded all aspects of the pop world.

The only time I will feel a twinge of sadness for the "Me Too!" driver is when his girlfriend for that week makes him put a "Team Edward" sticker on the passenger side window.

An introduction

So I was just invited here to post things. I've been given a fairly specific job. I'm here to bring you things from outside the pop. I feel I'm moderately qualified for this job.
*I live on a boat, or I'm a vagrant
*I have a perchance for wandering into strange strange things
*Every six months I scour the internet for the worst thing I can find as a baseline for humanity

So basically, what I'm going to do here is show you strange things you might not have wanted to know about. I'm going find strange news from around the world to either boost or destroy your faith in humanity. I'll probably rant from time to time about nothing overly important. For now though, I'll leave you with this to stimulate your thought.

probably not SUPER safe for work... just a heads up (It's youtube, so by definition isn't entirely unsafe. --C)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffDPTKn7HiY

s0. We're back.

They say that your average blog fails within the first year of starting up. (And if they don't, I just said it. Don't fight me on this.) But are we a statistic, having missed out on the last half of our first year?

Of course not! We track these statistics. We are statistic whores. So when we figured this one out, we put p0pcult into a state of deep hibernation, utterly skipping that fateful annual chance for failure. And now that we've gotten ourselves back into the game, it's time to loose Ripley on the ship and get those Alien bastards running for their lives.

That being said, we'll be adding a few new writers (at least that's the assumption.) I've invited an old friend, also, to bring you the weirdest sides of the world possible -- the Antip0p, if you will. He'll be posting shortly with possibly the oddest thing he could find. Start p0p off with a bang, right?

So welcome back. The cryogenic chambers are open and the cult is defrosting. We'll slap this bitch into the microwave and get it all heated up for you - grab the ketchup and be ready for a meal.

New(ish) cult, same old p0p.

And I am totally in.

Thanks to Gus for takin' the leap -- motivation comes from the best of us. Let's all get excited, people!

p0pcult hiatus

I'm gonna bring this back, old school.

Stay tuned.

PS WTF?

And why does the p0pcult logo look like it says pApcult? I'm not even going to go there, it's just too low even for me, but srsly.

Srsly.

Geek of the week award goes to...

Me. That's right, it goes to me. And I'll tell you why!

I was feeling a bit peckish today around 2 pm, and decided to kick it old school, and by old school I mean circa 1996, which can only mean one thing.

It's time to kill zombies, Resident Evil style, on an original playstation.

I am, by no means, a console geek. I will never claim to be, because I have no real love for console gaming. Table top RPG, hell yes, I will even DM old school D10 style, because I can remember how to do that (just don't ask me to convert a D10 to a D20 system, because that shit takes FOREVER.) However, the most current console system I own just happens to be the original playstation, because I never saw the need to spend $250+ on a few hours of mind numbing entertainment.

And yet, when I want to shoot zombies, I expect my playstation to work flawlessly, because hell, my original NES still works flawlessly, and by flawlessly I mean I still blow into the game cartridges to get them to load. Yes, I'm THAT old.

So I hunt down ResEv, the original mind you, only all I can find is the damn jewel case, because I think I left it with an ex boyfriend. Whatever, I still have the Activision Classics series, offering me such gems as Frogger and Pitfall. I love me some Pitfall on a cloudy Sunday afternoon.

So I pop in the disc, load the game, and realize that the only button functioning on my archaic Dualshock controller is the start button. Balls. Big ones. Off to Gamestop.

I figure, if ANYONE is going to carry an original playstation controller, it has to be Gamestop, because they carry EVERYTHING. I went into Gamestop in O-Mills a few years back, not so long ago, and they actually had original NES games. I bought the original Dragon Warrior, IN ITS ORIGINAL BOX, for $0.99. Go me.

I get to Gamestop, and there's these two kids behind the counter. They're literally kids, 16 at best, not a facial hair to share amongst themselves, and they look at me like I just asked for a joystick to an Atari 2600.

"Um, they don't even make those anymore, do they?"

Are you kidding me? Seriously, little kid, did you just ask me that question? OF COURSE they still make them, I checked online before I came. I just didn't feel like waiting for Amazon to deliver me a $8 controller. Disgusted, I leave the store.

And there, across the hall, shining like a beacon of hope for all to see, is my Mecca, Radio Shack, and you know what Radio Shack sells?

EVERYTHING.

But also Playstation controllers. The guy behind the counter, approximately my age, shares in my delight at the dated gaming system and we chat briefly about how sad it is that once great stores, like Gamestop, no longer seem to appreciate the beauty that is an original console.

With my new purchase, I saunter back to Gamestop, give the prepubescent boys a little grief for being total noobs, and proceeded home to do battle with crocodiles and 32 bit graphic snakes.

Thank you, once again, Radio Shack, for saving my bacon, and allowing me a few hours of mind numbing, soul sucking, gaming pleasure. Not only do I share my geek of the week award with you, but I do so gladly, because even though your merchandise is dated and your store smells faintly of mildew, you're still in business, whereas your arch nemesis and great rival, Circuit City, has gone the way of the Walkman. Congratulations, Radio Shack. You never let me down.

Commentary on Commentary: CNN and Geek Chic

As a sort of meta-exploration on what it means to study pop culture, I'll be referring to this article, found on CNN.com, for the following few paragraphs. A-hem. (Wipes glasses.)

As the weekend of Star Trek release-y craziness approaches us, we have seen an uptick in the volume of geek/nerd/dork/etc. references and discussions. This is a natural phenomenon. Media outlets in general love to latch onto the summer blockbuster craze. In a few weeks we'll be exploring the merits of Artificial Intelligence and light-year advancements in prosthetic technology -- because Christian Bale is getting shot at by giant robots.

The largest of news outlets are like gigantic, slow robots themselves -- they feed on the collective information sources of the internet, only to process, combine, and package the same basic messages in an AP format. Anything not considered "breaking" news -- Twitterable, if you will -- is often days behind on the actual mood of the nation. Know what? We're sick of the Star Trek hype. It's coming out on Thursday, and some of us have to go to work in between. We'll deal with the wait.

This weekend, though? Totally would have had the time to read an article on geek-pop-culture. And that's what the news-ertainment industry doesn't understand: If you're going to rope us in with a fluff piece, either bring us to tears or wait 'till a Saturday.

I mostly say fluff piece because it is chock-full of already discussed, fairly obvious trendmatter. We know geeks are big. Remember when you referenced Revenge of the Nerds? I'm pretty sure that was the watershed moment for geek culture, CNN. An interviewee, however, believes this honor belongs to The O.C. -- a show most only remember for it's ridiculously parodiable plotlines and horrid acting. Adam Brody, if anything, carried that show for its duration -- functionally destroying his future career, kinda like Screech. (Who, by the way, was the first geek I ever saw hanging with the cool kids.)

But none of this is new, which is at least three fourths of what news is supposed to be. It's difficult for an outsider, especially one lacking in internet skills, to ever catch up with society in general if all one ever gets is day/week/month-old opinions and reviews. And for those of us obsessively trolling the internet for the newest possible info, this? This just gets in the way.

Now I'm not blaming the writer; Ms. France did her job well and found all of the relevant sources. The article is well written and coherent. It just should have been published in February. I'm not claiming to have predictive superpowers here, but seriously -- 'Geek Chic' is a years-old term. There are two seasons of Chuck, countless torturous hours of The Big Bang Theory, Green and Meyer on Heroes, and LOST even has time-travel. Pop a new Star Trek into the mix, and you don't exactly sound like Nostradamus two days before the biggest, most surefire geek-vindication since Skolnick and Childs.

Stuff About Today: WTF Edition

-- Wolverine made 85 million dollars domestic this weekend, further proving that most of the population will buy into anything with a brand name. Remember to pick up your X-Men Origins: Wolverine novelty deodorant and garden tools on your way out of the theatre.

-- Wolverine made almost 160 million worldwide, and yes, I'm that disturbed by it. This is significant for two reasons. First, the fact that this movie doubled it's own earnings around the world is a pretty amazing thing when you consider the growing global access to Hollywood. Second, it means we still have an almost hypnotic power over the culture of the entire world, because they are clearly as stupid as we are.

-- Life, probably the best show nobody watched, was finally axed. This is sad, but not entirely; the show seemed to end in much the way a zen-cop show should: quietly. Go and watch the whole series, as it wraps up everything suspenseful by the finale, and satisfies like a good meal.

--Chuck, on the other hand, is still sweating it out. The now-infamous Five Dolla Footlong push definitely made itself some news, and the show is quite good at begging you to support sponsors without seeming like a total dick. This has to be an invaluable asset in TV right now, since you can't have a can of Coke in most shows without them looking like complete shills.

--Reportedly, after the credits in Wolverine there is a secret scene (in some releases) with a character from the movie addressing the audience. They probably should have thought about the potential franchising of characters before they derived most of their inspiration from early 90's videogames and horrible 60's monster movies, but what will be will be. None of this changes the fact that Star Trek is going to slap it in the mouth like a pimp dealin' with a bitch's attitude.

--I reiterate: Star Trek is going to pimp-slap Wolverine. I didn't honestly think I would cheer for this Star Trek, but it really needs to pull a Dark-Knight-to-Iron-Man and make that horrid piece of shit disappear. This time, though, it'll be for the good of mankind.

--Heroes is still on. That's good, right? Right?

--LOST is still ramping up to the season finale, although I am already ramped enough for my Aorta to pop at the next mention of Time Travel. GIVE ME MORE, ABRAMS.

--Turns out Swine Flu won't hide under your bed and do horrible things to you in the night after all (at least, not until the fall). Oh, by the way, while you weren't looking, Chrysler went bankrupt and most of the US banking industry admitted they have no real money. Happy Tuesday!

Jumping on the band wagon...

I'm not one to panic. Really, I'm not. Just because I have a few (47) zombie contingency plans and a loaded gun under my pillow (safety on) doesn't mean I overreact to potential threats, it just means I'm prepared.





However...





In light of the zombie-pig apocalypse, I offer this motivational tool.

Now, let's go kill that kid, before we all DIE OF THE PLAGUE.

That is all.

Damn, I've missed you guys.

Apologies to Jim Henson

Our friends over at stopthepig.blogspot.com have begun the fight against humanities greatest threat: The Pig/Swine/Baconator Flu.

Show your support by putting this graphic on your site!!

Swine Flu Patient Zero: We know what we must do.

Let's get a little serious here. There are issues that cross pop culture lines, from entertainment, to news, to sports, to dirty magazines your mother doesn't know you keep under your weed stash in the vent in your closet. Global emergencies, while not exactly funny or light, are nevertheless a part of our lives, and nearly as important as a few of those things. (Not the magazines.)

And so the p0p shifts dramatically. Thought you were going to get a funny piece on something current, huh? Maybe an hilarious send-up of How I Met Your Mother with a few videos embedded? An article on how hot it was that Tina Fey and Salma Hayek made out on 30 Rock? But no. I have officially flipped a bitch on you, and brought you into the realm of something slightly more important than constant, masturbatorial self-examination: The Fucking Apocolypse.

DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN

According to the same people who regularly insist that events on American Idol are national news, it's finally hit: The big one. Swine Flu. It killed several million worldwide in 1918, and just the mention of the words "Swine Flu" has sent the nation into a confused, jumbled panic, incapable of discerning between a loaded gun and what is essentially a cold that Bacon gets. Suburban housewives, already overstressed by their days of cleaning and re-cleaning their kitchen floors, are unsure whether to buy toilet paper or handguns. I'd say we'll be seeing American school kids in facemasks in less than a week -- forcing the public education system to appear as though they have converted all of their facitilities to midget hospitals.

As of this moment, there are about 1400 confirmed cases of the Swine Flu in the world. How do I know? Because they keep telling us. Over. And over. Granted, last time it hit the US it killed half a million people -- but you know what? The regular flu kills about that many people worldwide. EVERY YEAR. Now while we don't necessarily enjoy that statistic, it's at least worth noting that the world-killing, society-dissolving superpandemic hasn't exactly exploded just yet. All I'm saying? Let's hold up on the zombie-hoard preparations.

We're probably too late, anyway.

Every major news organization in the world is likely Twittering your face off about the thing anyway, so you might as well look it up and know the facts. If you've been listening to your friends, you probably haven't heard a thing. If you've been listening to the TV, you know that thousands have suspected cases of the flu, and that the US has at least 5 affected states. (Thanks a ton, New York Prep Schools.) If you've been listening to the internet, you know it is a bio-engineered supervirus bent on forcing third-world countries to accept American agribusiness, giving Obama an excuse to shut the border and put anyone brown into concentration camps, and scaring the bejeesuz out of you so you don't notice other, more important things, like the Aliens.

So how does a dead virus just sort of... pick up where it left off? Researchers have confirmed the new strains have parts of human influenza, swine flu, and most exciting of all, Bird flu. Remember Bird flu? The last thing that was going to kill us? Turns out it's part of the current thing that's going to kill us, too. Which is a little spot-on, actually, considering this 2005 National Geographic article claiming that mixing bird and human flu in an infected porker was pretty much the best way to let some pigs get their viral Mojo on in modern times. And hell, while they're in there, why not pick up the best of the Swine flu too?

Thanks a lot, you evil little fucks.

But last night came the best news ever: they've found Patient Zero. The first of his village to recover from the flu, the patient was diagnosed and cured some time in early March, and his village -- which happens to reside next to giant, industrial pork farms -- is almost certainly the source of the epidemic/pandemic we're all pissing ourselves over. Further twist: Patient Zero is a five-year-old boy. This would be where the problems start.

First of all, if I've learned anything from videogames, it's that viruses are almost always far more powerful than anyone understands. Over the course of a few good killings, the virus can become stronger, faster, and then deadlier. Then, if the TV is right, it will begin mutating humans into sub-intelligent, super-strong demon creatures determined to feast on your adrenal glands. Or something.

Almost certainly the future of the Human Race.

Secondly, however, I've learned that in order to destroy the virus, we must first kill the source of it: Kill the head and the body will die. In this case, while sensible people would probably blame industrial pig farm waste being dumped into an innocent village, I think we should probably take note that this horrible planet-decimating blight came first from a five-year-old child. And of the three things I've learned from videogames, the third is the most important: Tiny, innocent looking children have incredible superpowers and will be the end of us all.

With that said, we have our mission: we must, en masse, travel to a tiny village in Mexico where very few citizens know what is going on globally. Using mob rule, we'll take over the town -- probably killing all of their doctors and a priest or two for good measure -- and irrationally demand they bring forth all of their children. When they do, we'll just have to deal with the telekinetic super-wrath and virus-spewing powers of the little boy, which will be formidable. Only then can the world live in peace -- clouds retreating, city fires burning out, floods ebbing. Birds chirping.

Just remember to wear your mask, because they probably have bird flu.

My Holiday Season

I am ridiculously excited for the upcoming months because of one word:

Blockbusters.

It begins in May and lasts until (generally) August. And it is a beautiful time to be a movie buff. Long gone are the Oscar contenders and the kids movies and the chick flicks and the sappy foreign bullshit films. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not a fan of all of the above (mostly) but there's something about a Summer Blockbuster that just makes you NEED to scrape those much-needed-elsewhere pennies up and sit in an over crowded theater for approximately 2 hours.

"Here Daddy... Go see Star Trek, I'll only need 3 years and half a semester of college anyway."
Driving to work today, I called a friend to happily exclaim that this time of year is my favorite holiday season. Yes, holiday. Because it is so full of surprises and gifts from people you know and love. And its about giving and receiving. I give the movie theater 12 of my dollars (plus more if I'm feeling cheeky and/or hungry for nasty treats) and (hopefully) I get a good movie in return.

I've learned in years past that much like Christmas and birthdays, that you cannot always expect that big package to be what you think/hope it to be. In fact, every parent has had the thought at one time or another to put socks in the super big box that looks like the Power Wheels box their child has been drooling over for months. Just because the wrapped package looks awesome, doesn't mean that there isn't a steaming pile of suck with it's colorful facade.

So this year you have the list already in your head:

Wolverine is going to be like that gift from your awesome aunt that always gets you the dumbest shit like a light-up globe or sea monkeys. If she's so awesome the rest of the year, why does she have to suck during the best opportunity to be awesome!?! Just like Wolverine. Comics Wolverine is awesome. Hugh Jackman, total bad ass and bankable movie star... How does this add up to absolute dookie in film!?!

Transformers 2 is that big gift you really really want, but after you get out of the package and play with it a little, you realize that it is potentially the most offensively bad marketing ever... or lack thereof.

Star Trek is from your older brother trying to make you like the stuff he does. It probably will work because your older brother is awesome.

Terminator is like that toy you want because it has a "name" on it. Think back to all those Batman toys that had Batman using awesome shit, but in a hot pink costume... A total WTF sort of thing, but it's a Batman toy, so you needed it

Harry Potter is the book in your stocking. From Grandma. Used. But gently.

Etc Etc Etc...

But even though I know there will be some real stinkers, I don't care! I'll go see them all (if my wife lets me) because last year we all learned not to keep your preconceptions. "Who wants to see Iron Man!?! Give me a A-list hero..." Everyone loved that movie!

"Man I can't wait to see Indy back on the big screen!" Most of us wish we had waited.

"The Dark Knight is gonna be so bad ass." Truer words have never been spoken.

So, in closing, Happy Summer Movies everyone! Go out and give them a chance because big movie companies need your money more than your mortgage lenders, credit card companies and family health and welfare.

National News Networks: Mainlining drain cleaner never seemed so rational

My generation -- or at least most of the wide-eyed, nervous, soda-addicted, insomniac populous that "My Generation" encompasses -- does not often watch the news. We've managed to grow up during an incredibly small window in history during which we learned to rely on tiny, texty gadgets that zip short, grammatically tragic messages from one person to another. These are our primary sources of information, even if the information we trade is mostly useless and almost completely nonsensical. Unfortunately for us I'm pretty sure this, as well as most reading, is about to be replaced by video screens implanted into your goddamn contacts or something. It took about four hundred years for Howdy Doody to supplant the Gutenberg Bible. Soon enough we'll all be getting our news directly from Youtube crotch shot videos.

But we 18-28r's don't tend pay much attention to CNN and such. For one thing, it can't be Twittered, and if you have flipped by the 24-hour news networks lately, you know that we're all apparently going fucking crazy for that shit.

Ever wanted to tweet with Wolf Blitzer? Of fucking course you haven't.

For another thing, news takes forever. Do you know they want you to watch those shows for like, an hour just to hear all of the news? That's valuable time you could be spending on something productive. Like Twittering.

I have to tell you people, you're really missing out. Remember how people used to talk about news broadcasters like they were heroes? When TV news meant something? No? Well, they did, especially guys like Walter Cronkite.

Look at this guy! He makes Hannity look like a coked-up spider monkey in a toupee.

This dude WAS the news. His breath even smelled like integrity. The strength of TV became instant dissimination of information, and Cronkite had the megaphone. He was essentially a real decent guy, too, so when he talked, you listened.

Now, however, we have the shrill harpies and idiot town cryers to report the news directly into our ears. Why? Because with your "Thousand channels and nothing's on" attitude, they have to do SOMETHING to get your attention.

So they'll do ANYTHING.

Including exploiting the dead!

It used to be that the news networks leaned more towards the whole "shining beacon of truth" thing. TV was news outlet number one, and most people -- ask your parents -- remember the most important events in that era of US history as they were reported on the news.

Now, however, the 24-hour news networks are like crowds of lawless zombie hobos. And you are wearing a bacon suit.

I bet you didn't even know it existed.

They'll do anything to get to you, too. Want an hour of Larry King devoted solely to UFO landings? Done. Same Nancy Grace topic four nights in a row? Done and done. Are you a lonely old crazy person with seven cats named after Confederate officers, a hump on your back and a penchant for antique gun collecting? They've got news for you. News so addicting, in fact, that you may neglect Little General Lee. Don't worry, they won't let you forget him -- they'll play plenty of cat food commercials. Plenty. And you should probably also get him some term life insurance.

It takes a rare breed, then, to become a voice so absolutely fucknuts that people who care admittedly very little (like, say, me) actually notice you're being offensive.

"The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President would be 'What the hell you mean we're out of missiles?'"

--Actual Glenn Beck quote.

Glenn Beck is what happens when you fundamentally damage a 13 year old, reform him from a life of crime and then give him a microphone. Seriously. That's his life story. As a consequence of his hard luck and subsequent steps back into the light, Beck ends up having roughly the same amount of coherence as a Southern Baptist minister on a meth binge. Charmingly, however, he is about ten percent as tactful, which leads to hours of wacky entertainment for the "What'll he say next?" crowd.

Because whatever it is, it'll piss off somebody.

He is most well known for:

-- Calling the mother of a dead soldier a "Tragedy Slut"

-- Really, really despising Michael Moore

-- Belittling victims of Katrina

-- Hating the victims of 9/11 and their families

-- Equating embryonic stem-cell researchers to Nazi scientists practicing Eugenics

-- Procreating four times, thus increasing "Likely candidates for offspring of Satan" to 9

-- Generally being a cock-in-the-box.

And Beck ends up being just the tip of the iceberg. If watching the news in the 60's was like a cigarette break, in the 2000's it's like freebasing speed every fifteen minutes until your eyes pop out. Worse, it would be unfair of me to single out a network like Fox News, especially when their competitors put this thing on the screen:

I wonder if you can figure out her name.

I'm also sure that if you've watched even half a minute of any of these networks, you know all the major players. Each commercial break is a constant subliminal flash of names like Larry King, Anderson Cooper and Bill O'Reilly.

Pictured left to right.

And that's pretty much the way of things: The news networks are no longer selling you the news. Instead they're selling you anchors, who pretend to have both knowledge of every possible situation and a completely justified opinion no matter what -- despite the fact that you've probably heard more tolerant, thought-out arguments from your creepy uncle Bernie who lives in the mountains and has a confederate flag painted on the roof of his barn.

Seriously? You can find anything on the internet.

And he's probably a lot less frightening than looking at Nancy Grace.

Dear Susan Boyle: Thanks

Okay. Admittedly, I have been absent from the site for a little while. I needed some battery recharging. Now that that's all over with, though, I should be more vocal. Whether you like it or fucking not.

The reason I've decided to jump back on to the internet is Susan Boyle, newest internet mega-pan-flash and YouTube sensation. If you've been living in a cave for... well, really anything more than about 72 hours in this country, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about.

The 48-year-old, who is an unemployed charity worker from a small Scotland town, has gained fandom globally in less than half a week thanks to Simon Cowell's real job, Britain's Got Talent. The we-did-it-first equivalent to America's etc. etc., BGT has pumped out a few of these surprises over the last few seasons, and has filtered them onto the internet with greater success each time. It needed a real spark, though, to finally reach a worldwide audience, and Boyle is that spark.

I'm linking here to a very obscure little UK site, Deadline Scotland, which gives a day-after perspective to Susan Boyle's success. To her friends and neighbors, she is a quirky, unpretentious bit of playful lunacy -- a character in every sense of the word, as if she'd stepped right out of a British sitcom. She drinks lemonade at the bar, keeps her savings in empty whiskey bottles and lives alone. The children around her even sometimes call her a witch, further convincing me that she's blasted her way into reality using magic akin to Last Action Hero. I guarantee she has at least one insanely flowered bonnet in her possession, possibly with fake birds on it. And her voice, so new and apparently inspiring to the rest of the world, has echoed through the walls and the churches of her small town for over thirty years. To them, she is simply Susan.

My trend-o-graph spiked when I saw her video on Sunday morning, but being a lazy sonofabitch, I ignored it until I realized I could have been about 10 hours ahead of everyone else on this lady. (Full disclosure: the trend-o-graph is actually something I just made up. I know. Disappointing.) It doesn't matter, though, because I'd probably be writing roughly the same things about her. Boyle's importance doesn't so much lie in the realm of pop culture as it does societal self-examination: Susan, who is decidedly one of the more comely-looking faces to draw over 10 million YouTube views, is finding a nice, quiet spot in the global subconcious as a very pure example of fulfilling a dream.

Her life doesn't seem particularly difficult or particularly happy -- much like our own lives. Our daily routines almost definitely share some common banalities with her own. And, like Susan, many of us have The Big Dream -- the culmination of our greatest talent, or our most sincere love. The affirmation that of all of the things you do, there is at least one thing that you do fantastically. The show gave such opportunity for affirmation to one of the more humble, more lovable, more charactery characters the public has ever come across, and Susan Boyle fulfilled her dream and way more.

We've been lucky enough to live in a time when there is virtually no delay between live airing and viral internet spread, but her talent could very well have uncovered a sort of tipping point. Yes, South Park had their YouTube episode, and stars are blurring the lines between mainstream and internet success every day. But with a few notes and a few wistful glances from each of the judges on BGT, Susan Boyle's performance may flash across more computer screens than anything on YouTube has before. And that's saying something. This is international p0pcult, and now that Viral Video is reaching pandemic levels, worldwide Pop Culture may start to become pretty commonplace -- a concept as important to humanity as electricity was once. Or telephones. Or airplanes.

It's a small world, but it really is a big world, too. And when the smallest of us finally has a chance to be seen by everyone -- literally everyone -- in just the blink of an eye, it's time to consider that we might just be moving into some unfamiliar social territory. And it might be awesome.

Stuff About Today

It's been awhile, and Charlie does it much better, but he gave his permission for me to attempt a Stuff About Today article. So here we go.

-- Today a photo from this past weekend's ACM gives the world a glimpse of Taylor Swift that she surely did not want to show. The photo, taken from what some would refer to as a "lucky angle," has been making its way across the internet and will, very likely be highly spoken about in numerous chat rooms and prepubescent boys dreams.

-- In an early report from "Stuff About Today" for Thursday, April 9, 2009, we have a follow up to the Taylor Swift story: Today millions of boys, country fans, numerous lesbians and creepy old men have been reported to have visited their primary doctor due to "severe ocular strain" caused by using a magnifying glass with their computer monitors. The US Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., has issued a report urging the country of the dangers of magnifying glasses mixed with computer monitors and candid celebrity photos.

-- Lindsay Lohan confirmed her break up with 13 year-old looking DJ Samantha Ronson on Monday. Today, Michael Lohan, Lindsay's father, has stated that he approves of his daughter's decision and hopes that this will end on a positive note. Everyone else in the world has stated that "Who the fuck is Michael Lohan?"

-- In continuing news, the country still reels in the news that Fast & Furious was Number 1 in the Box Office this past weekend. Jesus Christ, America... Seriously? How can you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning knowing that more than likely, you know SOMEONE who went to go see that movie this past weekend.

-- In Spoiler news, last night, Kal Penn's character on House committed suicide. Apparently the Silent Guy from Superman Returns has been asked to do PR for the White House, hence his exit. Obviously, this is a move to secure the College Stoner vote in 2012 because the funny foreign guy that's not the serious foreign guy in that movie really speaks to people. But he was in the last funny movie by National Lampoon, so I'll allow it.

-- Today Apple's iTunes Store began offering music at $ .69, $ .99 and $1.29. All music no longer has the copyright restrictions on them and they can be copied as much as one desires. Today, if you upgrade to iTunes Plus, you will be given the option to upgrade all your previously purchased music for $ .30 a song, or $3.00 an album. AudioSurf players rejoice.

-- GM and Segway make a 2-wheeled, 2-seated "car." It can go up to 35 mph and go for 35 miles on a single charge... 35 mph... 35 mi to a charge... 35... and 35... So you're trying to tell me that life will be easier and more convenient for me if I buy an overpriced "vehicle" that I would have to stop and charge every hour if I wanted to go full speed..? A trip to Orlando from Maryland would take FOREVER!! WTF, man!?! But it is another step closer to those chairs from Wall-E, and that's what's important people.

-- Finally, long-time friends of p0pcult., Matt and Anne are getting married this Friday. Much love to you guys and best of luck!

So that's my Stuff About Today. Hopefully Charlie will take it back soon and make it not suck.

p0pcult. Casting Call - Green Lantern

As you may or may not not already know, DC's Green Lantern will begin filming this year. Unfortunately, not many people that I know are huge Green Lantern fans, and that's unfortunate, but I am a HUGE GL fan. I wasn't for a long time, but when the Kyle Rayner hit it's peak, I was hooked. How can I not relate to this hero? He's a cartoonist/artist who is given a all-powerful ring that can create ANYTHING his mind can conjure! I'm a cartoonist/artist. I have an active imagination. Where's my ring!?!

Anywho, back in the day, Wizard Magazine would do "casting calls" for various comics and about 3 beers into lunch yesterday with Charlie C, we decided that we need to bring it back.

So, here we go.

Here's the set up: Forget the origin story from the get go. Let's pick up the story in the middle of some serious shit. Battle between worlds, Sinestro Corps versus the Green Lantern Corps in the middle of space and both sides have seen heavy losses... Bodies and unclaimed rings flying everywhere. Maybe a flashback to how each of the Earth GLs got their rings, but nothing to spend too much time.

Hal Jordan- David Boreanaz
The most famous of all the Green Lanterns. Perhaps the film could be his fall into become Parallax then the Spectre. Yes, he was the voice of Hal Jordan in Justice League: The New Frontier, but come on! The voice worked and his looks would work! Whether it was Angel or Agent Booth on Bones, the man can play a cocky asshole with heart better than anyone else.



Kyle Rayner- Jamie Bamber
The aforementioned artist-turned-superhero could be the secret star of the movie (everything thinks Hal Jordan is the star... like The Village) He was great as Lee "Apollo" Adama and if his back-and-forth flirty/funny dialog with Starbuck is any indication of his comedic skills, he could definitely pull off the happy-go-lucky-guy-turned-hero-of-the-universe.


John Stewart- Richard T. Jones
A Marine given the powers of the Green Lantern with a strict morale code, and put into the Justice League as an Affirmative Action requirement in all modern cartoons. While he plays the soft-spoken and religious-based FBI Agent/Unwitting Accessory James Ellison on Sarah Connor, he was a complete bad ass as Cooper in Event Horizon. That alone justifies this choice.



Alan Scott- Bruce Davison
The Golden Age Green Lantern just so happens to have a very loose (retconned) connection to the Green Lantern Corps, he is part of continuity and could play an interesting part in the battle and to guide Kyle Rayner. All of my experience with Bruce Davison makes him out to be a pretty good dickhead on screen, but the new Knight Rider showed he can play the fatherly figure very well.



Guy Gardner- John Cena
The Bad Boy of the Corps, Guy always holds a grudge towards Jordan but will have to put their differences aside for the greater good. Guy Gardner is a badass. He's tough and gruff and ripped... Who better to play the role than someone who's job is to be all those things. And it's a small enough role to keep Cena tolerable.




Kilowog- Voiced by Michael Clark Duncan
A Green Lantern for Space Sector 647, he's large, strong and Pink. Acting as the light comic relief, Kilowog could be characterized as a rookie and exceptionally kind-hearted for his size. He would be incredibly intelligent, however most other characters would assume he is dense and dim-witted.





Jade- Jessica Beil
Allan Scott's daughter and super heroine in her own right, Jade fights with the Corps, but outside their ranks. Jade is Kyle Rayner's girlfriend ans would act as the movie's "eye candy" hence Jessica Beil.






Carol Ferris- Bridget Moynahan
Hal Jordan's love interest, President of Ferris Aeronautics. Headstrong and able to put Hal in his place when he gets out of line with emotion, but kind and loving enough to build him up when he needs it. She plays nice, she plays bitch, and she plays hot. Tom Brady, you're a dumb sonofabitch.




Sinestro- Stanley Tucci
The fallen Green Lantern and now their greatest threat. Stanley Tucci can do just about anything, and you need a command performance to play a very powerful and dark villian. He played a power-hungry asshole in the Terminal, now imagine that guy a million times over and... pink.





Green Arrow (Non-costumed Cameo)- James Marsters
Hal Jordan's longtime friend. It will be fun to just see these two together on screen, but he has to have the classic facial hair and the blonde hair.

Feel free to comment below!

TxtBattle: Battle of the Worst fanfic ideas ever

Gus:  Here's an idea for you:  What if we could keep people in PokeBalls?  Think of the profits.  Pokeprostitute, Go!

Charlie:  That actually sounds more like fanfic fetish than anything else.  ...Not saying I can't use that.

Gus:  It's a throwaway idea, really.

Charlie:  But it leads to an article on 'the most inadvisable fanfics ever'

Charlie:  Another example:  A transformer/GEM crossover involving a plot to blow up a massage/motor oils factory.  Truly, truly, TRULY more outrageous than meets the eye.

Gus:  Movie or cartoon transformers?

Charlie:  To make the proportions and metal-on-flesh even more awkward?  Movie.  Think of the x-rated transformer possibilities.

Gus:  Oh my.

Charlie:  See?  Inadvisable.

Gus:  A Teddy Ruxpin - My Little Pony double beastiality combo.

Charlie:  Rainbow Brite meets Gargamel.

Gus:  2 Glow worms, 1 cup.

Charlie:  Alex P Keaton and Marty McFly hook up with Teen Wolf.

Gus:  "When I kiss you... it's like I'm kissing... my brother."

Charlie:  The destruction might in fact be localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

Gus:  Sweet.

...Feel free to continue below.