So it should be no small task for my generation to look for its one serious, long-lasting contribution to society. The bit of DNA that will mutate humankind in some small way, leaving behind descendants of descendants to travel beyond the realm of nostalgia -- into that of societal custom itself.
I propose that the KFC Double Down is that contribution.
Everyone's gotta die somehow.
The thing has a pretty standard run of calories -- 540 according to KFC, which I'd actually think is a relief considering what you've got there: Bacon, cheese(s), and delicious sauce all inside two chicken filets. Chickenbread.
This isn't something a sane person created; at very least, whoever came up with this thing was also experiencing severe cranial pressure at the time. Judgment was impaired. Had to have been. After consuming it I can feel the chicken swimming around in my veins, leaving marks on my heart that will plague me for years to come. You get the sense eating one of these is like getting concussions while playing football: A few too many, your nose starts bleeding and you spend your early 20's sweeping floors at a local Subway while trying to figure out why it's so hard to read analogue clocks.
I've never experienced an actual sense of lightheadedness after eating, but apparently the musclework required to digest this hunk of gluttony has my blood occupied in an area other than my brain. Thankfully this has also cured my headache -- though I worry how much extra blood has vacated the vicinity. If I wake up tomorrow without being able to remember my ATM card's pin number, we'll all know why.
We've crossed a bridge. The novelty challenge-food has finally given birth to a fast food cousin: A conjunction of grossness so absolutely gnarly that it will almost certainly inspire competitors. Niche groups have already spawned the Chicken Big Mac; whether you replace the bread with chicken patties or add some to the already overloaded shit-tower is up to you. Choose now, though, because McDonald's is sure to jump on an official version now that KFC has broken open the genre.
As we look into the future, it's apparent that our generation has little to contribute to the annals of history aside from record-breaking levels of angst. Now, though, we have something to push toward. Should these culinary inventions outlast us all, they may even change the way we eat as a whole -- wrapping meats in other meats, only to shove them directly into our mouths without utensils. And if we cram as much terrible food into our mouths as we can, we may only have to eat once or twice a week -- leading to soaring productivity levels, skyrocketing business profits and a new golden age for the future of our planet.
As soon as we get up.
This isn't something a sane person created; at very least, whoever came up with this thing was also experiencing severe cranial pressure at the time. Judgment was impaired. Had to have been. After consuming it I can feel the chicken swimming around in my veins, leaving marks on my heart that will plague me for years to come. You get the sense eating one of these is like getting concussions while playing football: A few too many, your nose starts bleeding and you spend your early 20's sweeping floors at a local Subway while trying to figure out why it's so hard to read analogue clocks.
I've never experienced an actual sense of lightheadedness after eating, but apparently the musclework required to digest this hunk of gluttony has my blood occupied in an area other than my brain. Thankfully this has also cured my headache -- though I worry how much extra blood has vacated the vicinity. If I wake up tomorrow without being able to remember my ATM card's pin number, we'll all know why.
We've crossed a bridge. The novelty challenge-food has finally given birth to a fast food cousin: A conjunction of grossness so absolutely gnarly that it will almost certainly inspire competitors. Niche groups have already spawned the Chicken Big Mac; whether you replace the bread with chicken patties or add some to the already overloaded shit-tower is up to you. Choose now, though, because McDonald's is sure to jump on an official version now that KFC has broken open the genre.
As we look into the future, it's apparent that our generation has little to contribute to the annals of history aside from record-breaking levels of angst. Now, though, we have something to push toward. Should these culinary inventions outlast us all, they may even change the way we eat as a whole -- wrapping meats in other meats, only to shove them directly into our mouths without utensils. And if we cram as much terrible food into our mouths as we can, we may only have to eat once or twice a week -- leading to soaring productivity levels, skyrocketing business profits and a new golden age for the future of our planet.
As soon as we get up.
