Dear David Letterman

So the best and brightest, in terms of sexual controversy, always has a couple of very specific elements to it:

1. Someone relatively sleazy.

2. An identifiable victim.

3. A nosy-ass, disapproving third party.

A confusing example of a "sex scandal" that's come up recently, however, is one involving David Letterman, ugly talk show host extraordinaire and all around creepy old dude. Most disturbing about this entire situation is that it is now confirmed that more than one woman has had sex with him.

Even Letterman doesn't quite know how he pulled THAT off.

The part of this whole clusterfuck of gross that's most puzzling, however, is that anyone even cares. Over the years, Letterman hasn't exactly been a doll to work with, but he's no O' Reilly. And he's never been shy about being non-committal: Aside from a stalker or two and a marriage very late in life, his public sex life could be described as incredibly boring (at best). So the instant some dude threatened Letterman with blackmail, of course he copped to the situation. Yes, he had sex. From what's been released, it could be as many as a couple of times. And you know what I say? Good for him.

I personally know at least three guys under the age of thirty-five whose "numbers" stretch well into the the fifties and sixties. THIS is a controversy. It's surprising at this point that their dicks haven't rotted off, or at least been sprained several times. But Letterman? He's a pretty hideous looking funny guy. He makes no bones about the fact that sexually, he's not exactly super successful. But he's a human being, a long-time TV comedian, and a writer: Probably the only people he spends time around, EVER, are employees. I can't blame him for dipping into the only pool he has time for.

With all this in mind, I truly doubt any of the women he had sex with felt their jobs were on the line. Frankly he doesn't seem like he has the castanets to fire someone over a sexual rejection; he'd probably be more likely to promote them for their good sense. And admitting it on national TV is, in my book, the last proof of this: wherever those women are, hopefully they're laughing all the way to work. Which for many of them is probably still backstage at his show. If he thought he should feel guilty about all of this, he probably would have just resigned.

So NOW should just lay the hell off. Yes, he had sex with women in the workplace, which violates a rule that virtually 100% of men have attempted to break themselves (don't shit where you eat). Yes, his wife is probably mad at him for not being the most faithful of men, but it isn't like he's got some on the side now that he has a marriage and a son. It's almost as if those responsible for trumping up these situations are just bored. Leave the guy alone and get back to Pitt and Jolie. At least if one of them goes fuck-rogue, we'll have someone nice to look at on TV.

This is all assuming, of course, that the first person to come forward with an harassment suit ISN'T Paul Schaffer. That's when we'll have a fucking story.