Apologies to Jim Henson

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Swine Flu Patient Zero: We know what we must do.

Let's get a little serious here. There are issues that cross pop culture lines, from entertainment, to news, to sports, to dirty magazines your mother doesn't know you keep under your weed stash in the vent in your closet. Global emergencies, while not exactly funny or light, are nevertheless a part of our lives, and nearly as important as a few of those things. (Not the magazines.)

And so the p0p shifts dramatically. Thought you were going to get a funny piece on something current, huh? Maybe an hilarious send-up of How I Met Your Mother with a few videos embedded? An article on how hot it was that Tina Fey and Salma Hayek made out on 30 Rock? But no. I have officially flipped a bitch on you, and brought you into the realm of something slightly more important than constant, masturbatorial self-examination: The Fucking Apocolypse.

DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN

According to the same people who regularly insist that events on American Idol are national news, it's finally hit: The big one. Swine Flu. It killed several million worldwide in 1918, and just the mention of the words "Swine Flu" has sent the nation into a confused, jumbled panic, incapable of discerning between a loaded gun and what is essentially a cold that Bacon gets. Suburban housewives, already overstressed by their days of cleaning and re-cleaning their kitchen floors, are unsure whether to buy toilet paper or handguns. I'd say we'll be seeing American school kids in facemasks in less than a week -- forcing the public education system to appear as though they have converted all of their facitilities to midget hospitals.

As of this moment, there are about 1400 confirmed cases of the Swine Flu in the world. How do I know? Because they keep telling us. Over. And over. Granted, last time it hit the US it killed half a million people -- but you know what? The regular flu kills about that many people worldwide. EVERY YEAR. Now while we don't necessarily enjoy that statistic, it's at least worth noting that the world-killing, society-dissolving superpandemic hasn't exactly exploded just yet. All I'm saying? Let's hold up on the zombie-hoard preparations.

We're probably too late, anyway.

Every major news organization in the world is likely Twittering your face off about the thing anyway, so you might as well look it up and know the facts. If you've been listening to your friends, you probably haven't heard a thing. If you've been listening to the TV, you know that thousands have suspected cases of the flu, and that the US has at least 5 affected states. (Thanks a ton, New York Prep Schools.) If you've been listening to the internet, you know it is a bio-engineered supervirus bent on forcing third-world countries to accept American agribusiness, giving Obama an excuse to shut the border and put anyone brown into concentration camps, and scaring the bejeesuz out of you so you don't notice other, more important things, like the Aliens.

So how does a dead virus just sort of... pick up where it left off? Researchers have confirmed the new strains have parts of human influenza, swine flu, and most exciting of all, Bird flu. Remember Bird flu? The last thing that was going to kill us? Turns out it's part of the current thing that's going to kill us, too. Which is a little spot-on, actually, considering this 2005 National Geographic article claiming that mixing bird and human flu in an infected porker was pretty much the best way to let some pigs get their viral Mojo on in modern times. And hell, while they're in there, why not pick up the best of the Swine flu too?

Thanks a lot, you evil little fucks.

But last night came the best news ever: they've found Patient Zero. The first of his village to recover from the flu, the patient was diagnosed and cured some time in early March, and his village -- which happens to reside next to giant, industrial pork farms -- is almost certainly the source of the epidemic/pandemic we're all pissing ourselves over. Further twist: Patient Zero is a five-year-old boy. This would be where the problems start.

First of all, if I've learned anything from videogames, it's that viruses are almost always far more powerful than anyone understands. Over the course of a few good killings, the virus can become stronger, faster, and then deadlier. Then, if the TV is right, it will begin mutating humans into sub-intelligent, super-strong demon creatures determined to feast on your adrenal glands. Or something.

Almost certainly the future of the Human Race.

Secondly, however, I've learned that in order to destroy the virus, we must first kill the source of it: Kill the head and the body will die. In this case, while sensible people would probably blame industrial pig farm waste being dumped into an innocent village, I think we should probably take note that this horrible planet-decimating blight came first from a five-year-old child. And of the three things I've learned from videogames, the third is the most important: Tiny, innocent looking children have incredible superpowers and will be the end of us all.

With that said, we have our mission: we must, en masse, travel to a tiny village in Mexico where very few citizens know what is going on globally. Using mob rule, we'll take over the town -- probably killing all of their doctors and a priest or two for good measure -- and irrationally demand they bring forth all of their children. When they do, we'll just have to deal with the telekinetic super-wrath and virus-spewing powers of the little boy, which will be formidable. Only then can the world live in peace -- clouds retreating, city fires burning out, floods ebbing. Birds chirping.

Just remember to wear your mask, because they probably have bird flu.