W.

Today, Watchmen came out.

I did not rush out to see it because today was my son's original projected due date, so I accepted the fact that I would not see this movie its opening weekend a long time ago. That and I am relatively new to Watchmen. Only after I saw the original trailer was I handed the graphic novel and told to read it.

Before you go off on a shit-fit of "blah blah blah eleventh-hour fan blah blah blah loved it for years," to be completely honest, the trailer really made me want to read it less. I'm not sure if it was the trailer with a bunch of actors I had no idea who they were except for Russell from Stillwater and the "I'm always naked" girl from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Entourage and The Heartbreak Kid, or the rabid fan sitting front of me who freaked out through the ENTIRE FUCKING TRAILER!

I respect the shit out of the novel, I love it. I had a tough time getting through the first couple of pages, but once I sat down and digested it a little, when I picked it back up I was hooked. And I can see why it was called "unfilmable..." but I thought that was because any amount of Billy Crudup penis would be too much.


This on IMAX... No thank you!
But to go absolutely APE SHIT in a public place on the opening weekend for The Dark Knight was a bit for me to tolerate. I don't think I've ever freaked out like that in a public place... except for a time or two when I was absolutely hammered in college and "Ice Ice Baby" came on.


Approves
So, you can have your Watchmen movie, which has been horribly panned by everyone I've paid a slight bit of attention to. Those who say it's awesome, may or may not have said that Hulk, Doom and Episode 1 were all awesome... Just saying.

No, I am much more excited about X-Men Origins: Wolverine (or Wolberine if you so please) but I'm not freak out in a theater excited... The previous 3 X-Men films made sure never to be excited for an X-Men movie... ever. They were fun movies, but not even remotely what I would call "great movies" and they lack a very important aspect of movies for me and most of the people I consider friends: Re-watchability. And I have no doubt that this movie will continue that trend. Wolverine will be a bad ass, there will be a lot of "cameos" and a lot of shit will get tore up and/or blown up. I'll watch it once, possibly but the DVD for future viewing and quickly forget about it. But for now, look at this, and tell me it doesn't tickle your "f'ing awesome bone" a little...


It's like Chris Claremont sex for your eyes
Anywho, that's all. I hope we all can enjoy Watchmen and it gets the special treatment it deserves, but I'm not expecting much.

HOLY CRAP

I'll have to be truthful to you -- there are times that a man questions his faith.  Too few, indeed, are the times when a man's faith is restored.

I have absolutely no clue what I did to deserve such joy in this life.  For the prophecies have come true:  A Boy and his Blob will come to the Wii.

You may weep openly.  I won't judge you.

Justin.tv: Screw you, anything I was doing today

I have found a new internet refuge, and it is justin.tv.  Head there.  I don't think it'll give you a virus -- don't even try to quote me on that -- but I don't even care.  It could give your computer chlamydia for all I know, but it's worth it.  

Welcome to your salvation, major networks.

That's right, Big 3.  It's time to accept a simple truth:  Nobody likes to watch broadcast TV anymore.  It's the end of scheduled creative broadcasting:  24/7 news networks are pure profit.  At some point, we have to ask ourselves why:  Is there something that important about the news that makes people tune in?  No.  It's the twenty-four hour, fuck-your-faceness of the Constant News Networks.    You don't have to schedule a thing on those channels, because news is never not happening -- it's disturbing, however, that the minutia of everyday life is starting to fill in the hours when really, there isn't that much news.  At least, not in this country.  (And you thought we gave a shit about -- where?  The Sudan?  It could be underwater for all you know.)  Mildly talented housepets and insane conspiracy theories dot the spaces between actual countrywide events.  It's like someone put YouTube on a 'Random' loop.

Which segues nicely into my next major point:  For TV to remain relevant, it's time to really turn to the internet.  

Justin.tv is the alpha prototype of something just that clever.  On the site, users broadcast whatever they want -- over 60 channels worth of material, broadcast 24/7, anywhere.  It's a media addict's wet dream, especially if you have a particular primetime fetish.  Want to watch Nicktoons?  Ever?  There's a channel for that.  A magical dimension with constant Star Trek:  The Next Generation and Twilight Zone marathons, any day of the year?  You live there.  

Granted, not everything is offered -- but that's where a little trust comes in.  NBC and Fox put theirs in Hulu, which has turned out fantastically for both of them.  What's CBS doing, exactly?  ABC?  (Probably drinking Mai Tais.  They're owned by Disney.)  A conglomeration of networks needs to snatch up this idea -- take Justin.tv, run polls, and find the top 25 or so shows to run in twenty-four hour marathons.  Take a commercial break every five minutes -- cut them to 30-45 seconds, too.  Let the sponsors name their price-per-viewer, and see what happens.

The use of new technology to prop up the old seems awfully ignorant to the truly forward thinking, I suppose; however the idea of new new media is one that needs a bridge.  Every innovation has its bridge.  On Demand entertainment is a hell of a thing, but you know what I'm not into?  Making stupid decisions.  I don't want to specify which episode of MacGyver to watch, I just want some household-product-rescue(-mullet) badassedness.  Throw one of those things up at random.  Is he using a paperclip this time?  He just might.

Justin.tv gives the channel surfers that still exist a very powerful tool:  Something is always on.  It's heaven.  You can jump in on any of these shows, but the promise is that you don't have to wade through even subber-par programming just to find that slightly shiny piece of crap.  Someone has a sifter, and it's all shiny crap.  5 channels of oldschool 80's action movies?  It's either that, or 24 hours of Seinfeld.  Which one am I more likely to watch while tolerating Charmin commercials?  

Maybe someday we'll be able to make TV decisions like OnDemand wants us to.  Right now, the bandwidth growth of the internet allows for a constant stream of hundreds of show-specific television channels.  And with over-the-air broadcast dying, an ad-based model will have to attract flies not just with honey, but honey-coated goldleaf diamonds.  With chocolate in the middle.  Chocolate filled with rainbows.  365 straight days of Scooby Doo will probably work.

For now, the site is wasted on the pirates, but with just small commercial injections, a semi-decent business model could spring forth.  Until then, we have a free source of constant, less-than-complete-shit programming that plays with no commercials.  Get into it now before it's bought up -- or shut down.

(And if it becomes trendy, tell them I told you about it way before it was cool.)

"You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business, that's why they call them 'business socks!'"...

No, the title has nothing to do with the actual post, I just happen to be listening to Flight of the Conchords. If you've never exposed yourself (woowoo!) to FotC, go to youtube. Watch the videos for "Business Time" and "She's so Boom." I'll wait here until you come back.

::Plays a rousing game of solitare::

Now that we've gotten that out of our systems, on to the actual post!

I'm going to Memphis, baby!

It's been over a year since I've taken a road trip. GASP! CHOKE! STAGGER! If there's one thing I love to do, it's travel, particularly in my car, with people crammed in to keep me company. Road tripping in a Versa isn't the most comfortable mode of transportation, but it's guaranteed to produce at least three hilarious, albeit incriminating, photos, and a good deal of blogging material.

SO! From Saturday, March 14th, through Thursday, March 19th, I'll be hitting the highway with my favorite bandguys, Trey and Negley, and we're heading down to Memphis for BBQ, Blues, BB King, and Beale Street.

Most importantly Beale Street, because let's face it, we'll be there through St. Patrick's day. Do NOT look for a post on Tuesday the 17th, because I doubt there will be coherent speech, much less coherent typing skills. There will be attempts to report from the road and from the land of the Delta Blues, but if I slack, you'll just have to forgive me.

We are not computer geniuses, part 2

K-- there appear to be issues with the blogger posting software when people are overzealous about it. Which we all are.  So we'll see how that resolves in the future.  

Anyone know anything about this disappearing-blog joint?

Even at "prime time" there's still nothing on...

I could complain about Jimmy, but at this point, I think we can all agree that opinion #3 becomes a superfluous Fallon-Flogging, and I really have no interest in late shows anymore. I used to watch Jay (or rather, Jay's chin) and occasionally Conan would provide me some amusement, but I didn't like Jimmy Fallon on SNL, I'm certainly going to loathe him on late night television.

That being said, prime time television blows. During football season, I have a reason to turn on my television on Monday nights, and sometimes on Thursdays. I briefly entertained the idea of getting into Lost, and promptly wanted to rip my eyes from my skull after five minutes, going "WTF?" Lost leaves me just that, lost, and it's probably my own fault, since the only channel I watch on a regular basis is

This past Monday, I was channel surfing, because I was tired of hearing about the two football players lost off the coast of Florida (those guys are shark food) and March Madness really hasn't hit me yet.

I will, however, take this moment to shamelessly plug the lady Terps,

who are gonna take the NCAA Championship AGAIN!

That being said, there was NOTHING ON TELEVISION. Nada, zip, zero, zilch worth watching, and somehow (because God is occasionally cruel) I found myself watching the last episode of The Bachelor.

I hate reality television, but more than reality television, I hate reality dating shows, and the Bachelor/Bachelorette is at the top of my loathe-list. Reality TV isn't even reality anymore; in the first 15 minutes of any given show, I can tell you what's going to happen for the rest of the season. Seriously, it's a gift, and it occasionally scares people, my reality ESP. When I tuned in to the last episode of this horrifically bad show (right up there with Survivor) the Bitch, I mean, Bachelor, a single dad named Jason, was down to two women: the perky, bubbly, sweet faced brunette whom everyone loves, and the sexy, sultry, fun-loving blond, whom everyone wants to bend over a bar stool. Not saying the brunette wasn't sexy, because she was, but the blond had that je ne sais quoi, that indefinable something that says "I like it in the rear." The brunette was girl-next-door sweet, and while you can do all kinds of nasty things to the girl next door, she'll make you cookies afterward.

My immediate reaction to this scenario was thus: He's gonna pick the brunette, because she'll be better with his son, but he's gonna regret it, and shit's gonna hit the fan.

Sure enough, he ditches the sultry blond, who was devastated, and proposes to the brunette, who jumped in the pool with him and his son while wearing an unflattering evening gown. Five minutes after this episode ended, the "After the Final Rose" episode came on (I'm not kiddding, that's what they call this crap) and sure enough, he decided that "things had changed" with his brunette fiancee, and he thought he'd made a mistake, and he rips her heart out on t.v., albeit without a live studio audience, because ABC has a heart (or so they'd like us to think.) He then tells the blond, whom he had previously rejected, that she was the one for him.

And the dumb blond takes him back.

It figures. I assume you have to be a few brain cells short of a functioning tard to go on shows like this looking for a husband, but to be rejected for another woman on television, and then told "oops, looks like I was wrong," and fall for it, wow. Just...wow.

I hate television. If it weren't for ESPN and my DVD player, I wouldn't own one.

Fallon: Day 2- The Face

Last night, I went against my better judgment and turned on Jimmy Fallon. What I got was as expected, and less.

I came on at the end of the Tiny Fey interview, and I don't know what led to this, but they were talking about still shots of Jimmy Fallon doing Update portion of SNL.

I repeat... The Host... was talking to the guest... about HIMSELF!!! WHAT THE DOUBLE F!?!

Now granted, he's new to the whole interview thing but I'm pretty sure that talking to Tina Fey, one of the best writers/actors/creators in the biz right now, about your lame-ass self is not what Johnny, Jay, Conan, Letterman, or even Carson Daly would say constitutes a great interview on your second episode ever. "Hey, you're totally kicking ass in the entertainment world! Let's look at pictures of me from years ago when people actually knew who I was!" Douche.

After that, was Jon Bon Jovi and he was forced to listen to one of the worst Karaoke singers butcher "Dead of Alive." I felt his pain and it's a good thing they kept the camera on that poor woman, who was probably pulled off the street at gunpoint to attend Jimmy Fallon's show and then the producers held her mother hostage until she sang on-air. After that, I zoned out with the stupid chair skit and I found The Rocketeer on OnDemand so I wouldn't have to subject myself to the "musical guest." But all said and done, I discovered 2 things.

1) I really don't like Jimmy Fallon. I never have. He had a few funny moments on SNL's Weekend Update, but that can't go to his acting... That goes to the writers. I think a giant-sized Mr. Potato Head would have been a better choice than Fallon.

2) Jimmy Fallon had this "deer-in-headlights" look all night. It was the look of someone who knows they're bombing because they have absolutely no idea what they're doing. In the Jon Bon Jovi interview, he was basically sucking him off... It was a verbal BJ because there were zero questions. Jimmy Fallon basically sat there and said "I love you Bon Jovi" over and over again. I noticed the same look and tension when Drew Carey took over The Price Is Right... Them's some big shoes to fill, and if you don't do your shit right, a great show is gonna go down the crapper.

I dunno, I guess I still have the taste of Conan fresh in my mouth (eww) and I'm angry that my work schedule will not allow me to watch Conan's new time slot. The bottom line is that when I'm up late at night with a feeding baby, I wish I had a late night show worth watching. NBC has taken that right away from me. And for that, I will punish them by watching more Chuck than ever before so they have to spend their money on a good show! TAKE THAT PEACOCK!!

Post-Fallon: Sleepin' on it

Okay. Fallon was Okay. That's how I'd describe the premiere, but I'm taking the next few hours to sleep off this giganzor headache and think about just exactly what Jimmy Fallon could do to make his show great.

Another post that gets saved for tomorrow is on Carson Daly. I took three seconds after Fallon to watch the intro to his show -- mostly to wash the taste of mediocre Monologue out of my mouth with horrific monologue. But to my unexpected pleasure, Daly didn't do one. In fact, he didn't do a late-night-talk-show format at all. Instead he returned to his roots: Music promoter extraordinaire. I may have never said this before, and I'm not entirely sure I'll say it again, but this new Last Call On Location version of Carson's show might actually be worth watching. I guess that's what you get when they don't give you the real timeslot: Carte Blanche to go nuts in the wee hours of the morning.

Now for sleep and brain-decompression.

Pre-Fallon: Awaiting the Chaos

House Band? The Roots. First guests? Justin Timberlake -- and DeNiro. Audience? Roped in by the internet: And interactive via Skype.

Jimmy Fallon gets to show us what he's got tonight.

I've been agonizing over this for a week or so. The post-Ferrell, post-Fey years of SNL brought the show to a new height of amateur foolishness. Fallon, leading the charge of fourth-wall breakers, giggled and snorted his way through forgetting lines, squinting at cue cards and purposely bombing in order to get postmodern "Look how funny I know we are" chuckles. He is, without a doubt, the last NBC-ite I thought would be tapped for the job of Conan replacement, but somehow he wiggled his way in there -- or maybe he was the only one willing. Conan is 6'4", and those are some big-ass shoes.

But Fallon's getting my attention -- if for one hour only -- because I understand where he's coming from. I aspire to be writing for someone like that someday, and so the pitfalls and dumbass decisions that make up network TV tend to put these innocents -- these Not Ready for Prime Time Players, if you will -- into an absurdly bright limelight. And for some, it's always where they've wanted to be, regardless of whether or not they should.

Jimmy Fallon is one of those pathetic dreamer people out there. He definitely has the drive, and I respect that -- he's someone who probably would never have gotten his chance if it weren't for the virtue of some real specific timing. Conan is leaving. Jay is getting to bed a little bit earlier. Carson Daly is still the biggest douche alive (sorry, Carson). There was a big hole to fill in the NBC night lineup, and to fill a hole that size, you need a pretty specific kind of tool.

Jimmy Fallon just might be that tool.

Reporting after the show.

p0pcult technical difficulties -- we are not exactly computer geniuses, per se

Okay, so there appears to be/have been some sort of problem with the blog. We are working/We have worked to resolve this problem. Hopefully, it will be fixed as soon as possible/did not piss you off too much. (Pick your tense.)

Also, Snow day!

Will post much later today.


EDIT: Tech problems appear to be resolved-ish. We'll see how that works out.