As the country spirals itself directly down history's crapper, a widening gap between political philosophies has become a disadvantage to the very people this nation was founded to protect and provide for: Morons.
Their leader.
The problem is all of this political speak. Why are Conservatives on the right and Liberals on the left? Is the reverse true in the UK? Democrats use the color blue to identify themselves, and Republicans use red -- but everyone knows that the Democrats are the dirty, baby-eating Communists. And why is it that only Republicans are allowed to own full grown pet elephants? Isn't that some sort of discrimination?
As such, I've dedicated my thoughts to explaining the details between the two sides, according to how the News Media portrays them: The gay-marriage-stem-cell-parade having Marxists of the left wing, and the hobo-murdering, wife-beating, swim-in-a-pool-of-money Scrooge McDuck bastards of the right.
For our first part, the lefties:
To begin, you must understand that the politics of the left wing are inspired by the most horrible of our unsuccesful politicians: Failures of mankind such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln and Jesus, all of whom participated in hideous rituals of social service and Satanic puppy-mutilating. However, as most of these role models are dead (supposedly -- I'm talking to you, Zombie Lincoln), the brainwashed slobbering hordes now get their hate speak from this travesty of existence:
Totally not gay.
Also this guy:
Slightly gay. Yet forgivable.
If you lean more toward the conservative side of things, forgive the evil that radiates from the above photos. It may be difficult to look at either for too long unless you're holding your bible. Even then, don't stare into Keith Olbermann's eyes for more than a few seconds. You'll black out, wake up on a peach-colored couch in an unfamiliar apartment and discover you now have a "roommate" named Toby who rarely wears pants and insists you listen to Barry Manilow records during dinner.
What do these heathens and demon-men believe? Let's check a few items on the list:
-- Money is bad, and nobody should have any. People are happiest when poor.
-- We should give welfare to everyone, even Congresspeople. If possible, all jobs should be eliminated in favor of staying home, having kids and smoking crack.
-- Tigers and other exotic household pets should be allowed to run for public office.
-- Abortions are awesome.
-- Celebrities, like professors, are a precious resource of knowledge and experience. Britney Spears, for instance, has the left-wing equivalent of a PhD in Social Justice: A Grammy. Paul Blart, Mall Cop will soon be our new secretary of Commerce.
-- We should beat children into submission by forcing them to be creative. The left does not believe in testing, and they are dedicated to eliminating a child's God-given right to be academically tested until catatonic.
-- God isn't real. And if he was, he would totally smell like farts and drink the last of the milk without throwing the container away.
-- Terrorists need hugs and candy. They cannot be stopped by any other means.
-- Humans and Monkeys, having common ancestry, should legally be allowed to marry.
The horror of these nutjob, self-loving Demon-crats is that they have somehow hypnotized the entire country into voting them into office using a fair, time-tested system that measures a significant majority of concrete opinion amongst a random sampling of the population. The fucking nerve. Like a rocket-powered wheelchair at the Special Olympics, their dual tactics of "accurately interpreting the system" and "following the law" are the dirtiest kind of politics: The kind that no other politician is clean enough to use.
In addition, Democrats are always giving away the hard-earned money of our most beleagured social class: The unfathomably wealthy. Our economy is tanking, and yet the president and his politi-cronies are taking away precious kazillions from our kazillionaires. And where are they putting it? Financial wastelands like road improvement and orphanages. Just throwing it away. They hate financial freedom so much they want to give it to everybody, thus diluting it for the people who had to work so hard on their back door, legally gray business dealings. Some of these unfortunate rich might not even have enough to buy a second plane after the Lefties are done in office, but we'll see: Remember, Righties, Sarah Palin can come back in 2012. And if she's elected, it'll be like Bush never even gave up his divine right to rule our country!
In part two, I'll explore the inner, often extremely gelatinous workings of the average right winger, unless the creatures inside of them devour my very sanity first. We'll see if I can hold them at bay with snausages.
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