My Holiday Season

I am ridiculously excited for the upcoming months because of one word:

Blockbusters.

It begins in May and lasts until (generally) August. And it is a beautiful time to be a movie buff. Long gone are the Oscar contenders and the kids movies and the chick flicks and the sappy foreign bullshit films. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not a fan of all of the above (mostly) but there's something about a Summer Blockbuster that just makes you NEED to scrape those much-needed-elsewhere pennies up and sit in an over crowded theater for approximately 2 hours.

"Here Daddy... Go see Star Trek, I'll only need 3 years and half a semester of college anyway."
Driving to work today, I called a friend to happily exclaim that this time of year is my favorite holiday season. Yes, holiday. Because it is so full of surprises and gifts from people you know and love. And its about giving and receiving. I give the movie theater 12 of my dollars (plus more if I'm feeling cheeky and/or hungry for nasty treats) and (hopefully) I get a good movie in return.

I've learned in years past that much like Christmas and birthdays, that you cannot always expect that big package to be what you think/hope it to be. In fact, every parent has had the thought at one time or another to put socks in the super big box that looks like the Power Wheels box their child has been drooling over for months. Just because the wrapped package looks awesome, doesn't mean that there isn't a steaming pile of suck with it's colorful facade.

So this year you have the list already in your head:

Wolverine is going to be like that gift from your awesome aunt that always gets you the dumbest shit like a light-up globe or sea monkeys. If she's so awesome the rest of the year, why does she have to suck during the best opportunity to be awesome!?! Just like Wolverine. Comics Wolverine is awesome. Hugh Jackman, total bad ass and bankable movie star... How does this add up to absolute dookie in film!?!

Transformers 2 is that big gift you really really want, but after you get out of the package and play with it a little, you realize that it is potentially the most offensively bad marketing ever... or lack thereof.

Star Trek is from your older brother trying to make you like the stuff he does. It probably will work because your older brother is awesome.

Terminator is like that toy you want because it has a "name" on it. Think back to all those Batman toys that had Batman using awesome shit, but in a hot pink costume... A total WTF sort of thing, but it's a Batman toy, so you needed it

Harry Potter is the book in your stocking. From Grandma. Used. But gently.

Etc Etc Etc...

But even though I know there will be some real stinkers, I don't care! I'll go see them all (if my wife lets me) because last year we all learned not to keep your preconceptions. "Who wants to see Iron Man!?! Give me a A-list hero..." Everyone loved that movie!

"Man I can't wait to see Indy back on the big screen!" Most of us wish we had waited.

"The Dark Knight is gonna be so bad ass." Truer words have never been spoken.

So, in closing, Happy Summer Movies everyone! Go out and give them a chance because big movie companies need your money more than your mortgage lenders, credit card companies and family health and welfare.

WTF: That '70s Show Season 8

Welcome to the first installment of Waste That Film!, aka WTF. Where in I ask WTF (What the Frak) is up with WTF (Wasting that Film) or better stated as "why did you even bother?" Today, I have my sights set on That '70s Show's final season... The horrible season that it was.

Now, I must admit that I do, in fact, own the final season of this series, but that is more of my OCD kicking in over needing to have a show's complete series run. Shows that ended too soon are easy to keep track of, a la Arrested Development (but if you don't have all 3 seasons... you are wrong) but long series... You get to a point where you might as well just bite the bullet and dish out the cash for all 6+ seasons. And my saving grace with this particular season in question is that it was a Christmas present. So props to Poppa Larry for completing this series and contributing to my obsessive wallet-shrinking disorder.

I still remember watching the first episode of That '70's Show. I've seen the Pilot so many times that I can't tell you what exact scene from it I remember making me really enjoy it and wanting to continue watching it, but I do remember 2 thoughts:

1) Holy shit! The bad guy from Robocop is in this show!! BAD ASS!!

2) Holy shit! This show is awesome! Too bad it's on Fox and it will be canceled before the end of the season.

Fortunately I was wrong on Point 2 and we were given 7 quality seasons of pot jokes, good music and sex. And Mila Kunis and Hot Donna. The cast was likable, the story never got too repetitive and it was just a good old show that was nice to watch. I, like many, grew with Eric Foreman and his motley crew.


How you doin'!?!
Then the money came.

Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace had a few movies up until that point, like Butterfly Effect (while I do not like Kutcher, he was perfect for that role) and In Good Company (wonderful movie) they got the bug and were both set to film The Guardian and Spider-Man 3, respectfully... and crapfully. So it was time for them to make their exit. Kelso was a disposable character, however Eric was the heart of the show. How would it survive?

The writers attempted to place a replacement character in the weeds at the end of season 7, but during the off season he was offered his own show. Instead, we were left with Seth Meyers' less funny brother, Douchebag Meyers.


I mean Josh, but Douchebag is much better suited.
After looking at Meyers' resume on IMDB, one must ask: Why the Frak would anyone enjoy this guy on screen!?! He was fired from MadTV... Let me repeat that so it can sink in... He was FIRED from MadTV. You don't have to be funny to be on MadTV, so I can't even imagine what one would have to do to get FIRED from that... thing. Then right before That 70's Show he was in Date Movie. I've never had thoughts of suicide in my entire life, but about 10 minutes after being drug into that movie, I was trying to fashion a noose from my Twizzlers and hoping that Sour Patch Kids were deadly if exposed directly to the brain through the nasal cavity. I held an all new appreciation for life after leaving that movie because that movie sucked balls. I hated cinema for a long time after that movie.

So, take that, subtract Eric's Vista Cruiser... but now we don't have an opening title sequence. Oh, I know, let's take one of the shows best cinematographic cornerstones and totally ruin it by making our cast dance there... and have people who have no business being in the "Circle" be there! Guh.

Then, the Jumping of the Jumping Shark (when a show totally loses it)... Donna and Eric break up off-screen for no good reason!?! Just so Donna and Douchebag can start up the sexual tension in the show!?! Hey writers... No! No! Stop it!

And finally, Fox got wise and canceled the show, but needed the big names to come back... So break up Donna and Douchey, and all is well because it will be 1980.. Whew! But it was too late. That '70s Show ended like a shit-flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean. Kinda like a Tootsie Roll at first, then green baby shit in your mouth. (No Comment)

So all in all, I would say that That '70s Show Season 8 was a total Waste of Film. A completely non-WTF ending would have seen Eric about to leave for Africa, saying goodbye to all his friends in the basement, walking up the stairs and turning off the lights.

And then the crew yelling at him because they are all still in the basement about to watch TV like nothing had changed.