p0pcult.

Technology, Television, and You

2011-05-21T02:13:00.002-04:00

So I'm writing this on my phone, a feat once thought unimaginable by hunched over ancestors who would probably bash said phone with a log should they come across such a thing.

This imagery demonstrates my point that I shall be making shortly. Shortly like now, technology advances. We've come out of the stone age so far that I can watch a 720p streaming video on my phone while watching the little blue arrow that is me move slowly southward via CTA train with magical GPS.

Why do television rating systems still focus on an increasingly antiquated means of gathering (now grossly inaccurate) data on viewing audiences?

Either less people are watching TV (given the Super Bowl's 111 million viewers, I find that unlikely) or people are simply *watching TV differently* i.e. via devices like the one I have in my hands. Devices that cannot be tracked and counted by a Nielson box, but that can in fact be tracked and counted if aforementioned system was updated to reflect growing changes in technology and society.

Why am I making this point? 38 shows were canceled this season. I watched a few, but obviously not all. The few I watched were quite good, so I'd wager the rest were at the very least decent. Yet, they are canceled. Why? Ratings. Ratings which refuse to reflect the fact these shows are in fact finding audiences, probably broader then they imagine, via other means then the set in their living rooms.

Something to consider dear p0pcultists.

Thinking about Speaking

2010-09-03T17:43:00.003-04:00

So I'm not sure exactly where this is going... It's certainly going to wander.

I've been thinking a lot recently about speeches. I've always had a particular love of the "St. Crispin's Day" speeches; The calls to war. The speech that makes you want to pick up a gun, or a sword, or a pointed stick and fight against the evil; at the very least it makes your neck start to tingle.

I think there's more to this than content... I think there has to be. People's beliefs are too varied, opinions to divergent to possibly appeal to the masses on that scale. You can't get "the people" prepared to die for a cause with words alone because the things people are willing to die for are too personalized and separate. "The people" aren't that unified.

So what makes a person able to unify them? Sure, there are the well documented logical and ethical arguments that are generally talked about as the tools of the speechwriter, spinner, story-teller or manipulator... whichever you want to say (and I would contend they're all valid.)

But I think there must be more. There is some evidence that there are some innate connections between music and the human species. Most of you have already seen this I'm sure, but it's become relevant here. Everyone in that audience got it. That is rather telling. I'm not going to claim to know why it works, but it apparently does.

Even more of a stretch is bringing up the now well known Where the Hell is Matt? video. What makes it relevant is that it's again demonstrating a unifying factor among unrelated and divergent people around the globe.

So back around to the St Crispin's Day speeches. It's going to be long, but I feel like I need to post the original in it's full.

• WESTMORELAND. O that we now had here  

But one ten thousand of those men in England  

That do no work to-day!    

KING. What's he that wishes so?  

My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;  

If we are mark'd to die, we are enow  

To do our country loss; and if to live,  

The fewer men, the greater share of honour.  

God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.  

By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,  

Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;  

It yearns me not if men my garments wear;  

Such outward things dwell not in my desires.  

But if it be a sin to covet honour,  

I am the most offending soul alive.  

No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.  

God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour  

As one man more methinks would share from me  

For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!  

Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,  

That he which hath no stomach to this fight,  

Let him depart; his passport shall be made,  

And crowns for convoy put into his purse;  

We would not die in that man's company  

That fears his fellowship to die with us.  

This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.  

He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,  

Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,  

And rouse him at the name of Crispian.  

He that shall live this day, and see old age,  

Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,  

And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'  

Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,  

And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'  

Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,  

But he'll remember, with advantages,  

What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,  

Familiar in his mouth as household words-  

Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,  

Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-  

Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.  

This story shall the good man teach his son;  

And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,  

From this day to the ending of the world,  

But we in it shall be remembered-  

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;  

For he to-day that sheds his blood with me  

Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,  

This day shall gentle his condition;  

And gentlemen in England now-a-bed  

Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,  

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks  

That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

Did you feel it? that tingle? I did, and thats probably the 20th time I read that today. Part of what I'm starting to see as I read many of these speeches is a certain pattern. Read the last eight lines... starting with "we few" again... read it like you were performing it. Go ahead, I'll wait. Stop reading this till you've done that.

filler spot

Now, that last line, how did that read in your head? Because what I hear is "That fought with us....upon...Saint..Crispin's..day."

In "Independence Day" Bill Pullman has a speech as the President, starting with "Good morning... In less than an hour aircraft from here will join others from around the world." I say with confidence you remember this speech if you saw that movie. It's the same thing again... the same call to arms, asking everyone there to be prepared to give it all. It wraps up with the line "We're going to live on, We're going to survive; Today, is our Independence day!"

Here we see that rhythm again, twice, actually. The full line, and then the "Today" bit right at the end.

It's not identical, but it does have a similar beat... as if it's morse code for "Get your weapons and go kick some ass"

Or how about something a bit more historical. There is a speech you might have heard of which starts with "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." It goes on, with natural syncopation thought the entire piece till getting to the last lines. that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." and it's there again. Can you hear it, feel it in there...

I don't know what it is... I need to talk to some people to work my way into it.... I need more coffee... I need a sandwich and someone clever, but I believe there's something here.

Donald Trump on Bret Michaels: Besties; on Illegal Immigration: Worsties

2010-04-29T02:51:00.005-04:00

Turns out the single loudest voice of concern for Bret Michael's well-being is his would-be reality TV fake boss (the best kind of boss). Donald Trump jumped into the Larry King Tepid-seat and defended Michaels to the last, even going so far as to tell King to "forget" any Apprentice success for now: "Everybody loves him, so we just want him to get better. Forget about the show."

The Legendary Titans of OldHair: King and Trump.

Trump, who is not known for throwing aside his business savvy for much, even went just a little bit anti-macho. (Don't call it gay, or he'll have you whacked.) Saying of a shirtless Bret, "He looked good," he expressed surprise about Michaels' current health situation, and a pretty surprisingly bromancy concern for Bret himself. Don't be mistaken: The Donald seems to be a decent dude, and so is Bret. Stages of careers for either aside, it seems like they're really quite mature guys, who might just deserve some lasting spotlight. They should get a buddy-cop show together. Or remake Jake and the Fat Man for the movies.

Here's hoping Bret gets better. Dude was apparently working pretty hard for that show, and the finale isn't filmed for a Trump-confirmed five weeks. A pretty enthusiastic manager released a very optimistic timeline for recovery, but only time will tell.

The interview took Donald's opinion down about a few current issues, including Arizona's new immigration law -- which he apparently believes is the right way to go. As is nearly always the case for Trump, ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking. Whatever your politics, Don, leave 'em out of the public eye -- your talent is in business.

All Hail the KFC DoubleDown

2010-04-16T19:39:00.005-04:00

During the run of human history, we as a species have entered several quirky side-eras. Spearheaded mostly by single generations, they tend to burn brightly and die -- perhaps leaving bits and pieces of their DNA behind. Bell bottom jeans, anaglyph 3D glasses on cereal boxes, zoot suits and swing dancing.

So it should be no small task for my generation to look for its one serious, long-lasting contribution to society. The bit of DNA that will mutate humankind in some small way, leaving behind descendants of descendants to travel beyond the realm of nostalgia -- into that of societal custom itself.

I propose that the KFC Double Down is that contribution.

Everyone's gotta die somehow.

The thing has a pretty standard run of calories -- 540 according to KFC, which I'd actually think is a relief considering what you've got there: Bacon, cheese(s), and delicious sauce all inside two chicken filets. Chickenbread.

This isn't something a sane person created; at very least, whoever came up with this thing was also experiencing severe cranial pressure at the time. Judgment was impaired. Had to have been. After consuming it I can feel the chicken swimming around in my veins, leaving marks on my heart that will plague me for years to come. You get the sense eating one of these is like getting concussions while playing football: A few too many, your nose starts bleeding and you spend your early 20's sweeping floors at a local Subway while trying to figure out why it's so hard to read analogue clocks.

I've never experienced an actual sense of lightheadedness after eating, but apparently the musclework required to digest this hunk of gluttony has my blood occupied in an area other than my brain. Thankfully this has also cured my headache -- though I worry how much extra blood has vacated the vicinity. If I wake up tomorrow without being able to remember my ATM card's pin number, we'll all know why.

We've crossed a bridge. The novelty challenge-food has finally given birth to a fast food cousin: A conjunction of grossness so absolutely gnarly that it will almost certainly inspire competitors. Niche groups have already spawned the Chicken Big Mac; whether you replace the bread with chicken patties or add some to the already overloaded shit-tower is up to you. Choose now, though, because McDonald's is sure to jump on an official version now that KFC has broken open the genre.

As we look into the future, it's apparent that our generation has little to contribute to the annals of history aside from record-breaking levels of angst. Now, though, we have something to push toward. Should these culinary inventions outlast us all, they may even change the way we eat as a whole -- wrapping meats in other meats, only to shove them directly into our mouths without utensils. And if we cram as much terrible food into our mouths as we can, we may only have to eat once or twice a week -- leading to soaring productivity levels, skyrocketing business profits and a new golden age for the future of our planet.

As soon as we get up.

My dumbphone's IQ is maybe 63.

2010-03-12T04:57:00.002-05:00

Damn you, iPhone. And you too, Nexus One. Droid can suck it too -- and I could HAVE that one. I just don't have the thirty-odd bucks a month for the Smartphone web fee. That's the shit of it right there -- I barely use the phone part of my phone. Better I pay the forty a month for a data-only handset and use Skype or Google Voice for my phone stuffs. Right? Right??

But alas, it's impractical. Yes, I could tether it to my netbook, allowing me to have internet literally anywhere. But I already do, don't I? At least I do in the places where I bring my netbook. No, I want that little bastard on the train. Zipping through meaningless social media, attempting to play the giant, real-time, text-based MMORPG that is Facebook. (Twitter? Bonus round. Beatin' the Car with Dhalsim.) I want Google Maps to tell me where I am. I want to take a picture of a diner, hit a button, and have my little IV drip of info tell me exactly what a short stack and a fried egg costs. (Yes, that shit is possible.)

Someday, I will leave my dumbphone behind. I'll miss Tetris, but I'll just get it again, I'm sure. And also online Scrabble. (shudder.) Until then, it is envy on public transportation. On the plus side, though, I have nothing electronically reliable enough to be my backup -- So I still remember how to be smart all by myself.

The Rabbit Hole

2010-03-04T21:35:00.002-05:00

So I've been remiss in my duties to bring out the weird. I've been living hard in my own little fringe of the world, which I'll probably resort to talking about eventually. But I didn't forget about you kiddies; I did some homework for you all and wandered deep into the parts of the world a lot of people don't even want to imagine.

It started out with a simple question. How does a person come to the realization that they're a furry? This question has bothered me for a long time. See, here's my issue. With most fetishes and kinks... even if it's not my thing, I can figure out how it works. Hard core s&m stuff, not my kink. I like keeping my weapons and torture implements separate from my sex life, but hey... whatever gets you going. See... you get started with scratching and biting... then you get into spanking and maybe some ropes. I can see how that would lead to perhaps the riding crop, even the ball gag. I see a possible method of escalation. The furry thing... I don't have a damned clue. I don't understand how you suddenly realize how you figure out that's what you're into.

I have to go to bed in the real soon, so I'll cut to the beginning of the chase. I wandered into the deep reaches of the internet and started hunting. I started talking to strangers like my mother always told me not to do. I have chatted to a good number of furries, and will tell you all about what I've learned.

So for now, be safe and keep an eye out.

Return for a brief rant

2010-03-02T11:44:00.003-05:00

Leno made me fucking old last night.

Now, yes, to begin: I am with Coco. No getting around that. But I decided to try it out: Leno's return is, after all, another piece of comedy history. The biggest blunder in TV late night gets reversed, only now Leno the Elder is leading into Fallon, who is NOT Conan (nor does he attempt to be, really). So I gave Leno the first episode.

At least I tried to, except the second his gray mane bobbed onto screen, I started falling asleep. Aside from the Betty White thing -- which I missed because I had already started dozing -- he started out with some half-hearted groaner about his show's lack of permanence, then launched into Lenoism. Aaaaand... PTFO.

I remember stirring during some thing about his desk, which I ignored. From the bits I could grab, he seems content to acknowledge his quick return and new, shaky status. But he's also eager to pretend nothing ever happened. This is at best a 9-month-plus set redesigning. It had an enormous budget, was behind schedule, and ruined NBC's late night in the process, but all they did was take Jay off the air to give him a new chair to sit on. But something did happen, and the stink hovers around the whole thing because of it.

Sure, Leno destroyed Letterman in the overnights. Big surprise. Dave wasted a big guest, from what I understand -- could have saved Bill Murray for Wednesday, then lead into him with another bigshot: Maybe even Andy Richter. History shows that Leno and Letterman trade ratings when their guests are monumentally controversial, and it is possible to keep the audience they steal. After over a decade of competition, Dave's crew knows this better than anyone, and they've had months to climb all over Jay's corpse. If they can do it quick, Leno's relative lameness could help the newer, slightly edgier Letterman lure back most of his viewer base pretty quickly. Even Kimmel got his exposure in, and now Conan's audience will follow wherever Conan goes (Especially to live shows. ESPECIALLY.)

My point is this: NBC gave up late night when they decided to tell Jay his time was limited. It used to be that the man with the ratings could name his own retirement date, but the age of Market Research and Demographics have opened up all kinds of new mistakes. Especially fun are the kind where you fuck something up years in advance.

Good luck, Jay, I won't be back. You put me to sleep for around 3 hours, then had me so sedated for the rest of the evening that I didn't even turn off the light in my bedroom until I woke back up at three in the morning. Whatever it is -- the timbre of your voice, the hypnotically soothing set colors you use, Kevin Eubanks' attempts at humor -- all it's doing is knocking me out before 11 pm. In a way, I became more like your audience base than I've ever been before. Only I can't blame the sleepiness on arthritis meds.

Tip O' the Hat

2009-11-13T13:19:00.002-05:00

I saw this image in yesterday's Onion, too, although this one seems to have reached into the RedEye as well. Free Chicago newspapers are a wealth of entertainment.

I won't hotlink it, because websites hate that, but here's the link, extra-conspicuous like:

http://i.imgur.com/60zp8.jpg

The ad in question is Miracle Whip's response to this lovely gem of a Colbert moment.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Mayo-lution Will Not Be Televised

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

U.S. Speedskating

Let the genius unfold.

Honestly, I can't think of a marketing department I've ever been more proud of in response to Colbert's no-one-is-safe style. The feud itself is almost 100% innocuous, promising only to get an ad department some serious notice in the corporate world -- probably one that will continue to make waves in the shows they sponsor as a particular gimmick. If this works, the same may continue, with Kraft being the leader in response, going where Doritos and Sierra Mist have long been reluctant to tread.

But it signifies something even bigger in the world of Mr. Stephen T. Colbert: In the same short period, he was allowed to broadcast from Iraq (a very Bob Hope-esque growth), officially made his fanbase the sponsor for an Olympic team, and truly tore down the wall between product placement and traditional advertising. The third is something we haven't seen since going out of style in the 50's -- a style from which we get the phrase "Soap Opera," referring to the characters in the show -- during the show -- often hocking the soap-selling sponsors.

But what's more, Colbert's been insistent enough to develop a different relationship than this old Advertiser/slave formula. Instead of being controlled, he plays them like puppets -- often his character becomes obsessed with a product or concept intermittently before any developments actually occur, such as a space treadmill or an Hungarian bridge. By beating the marketers to their punch, he becomes a real mothflame: the exposure isn't just pre-built, it's pre-shopped, as Colbert's audience only tolerates the more absurd and eccentric. If Colbert mentions it, that's probably the lost audience they've been failing to reach for years -- and he noticed it before they did.

It's mostly amazing that this Yes, And... style is surviving this long, but only when you don't know the draw of an improv audience. Even the bad stuff is gold, and the Report takes this philosophy seriously every night. Willing to go to any corner for a laugh or an insight, the entire production tends to open more doors than most networks can manage in a decade. Colbert certainly has a loud knock. Weekly sketch comedy is fun and complex pop. Stand-up is as well orchestrated as any symphony, hence being enjoyed ad nauseam. But the improv style is never stale; as fluid as jazz and louder than death metal, it grabs attention. Hopefully more of the audience will begin to play back.

Makes me warm and fuzzy

2009-10-28T10:37:00.002-04:00

Imagine my surprise.
I don't live in Baltimore anymore, but I used to. For a good bit of time, I worked at a cop bar. I know the people in this story, and it makes me smile.
It makes me smile because I'm sure it's true. The officer involved is definitely a little gun happy for my taste, and has been known to put down quite a bit of beer on a regular basis. I only wish this would happen to the rest of his little cronies too.
The one part of this whole story that I can blame on anyone but him is that he had to have his gun on him. He was required to carry his gun with him. All Baltimore cops are in the same boat. Going out for a night of drinking; Better be packing heat. No kiddin. I knew a cop that kept her service weapon in her purse, which was then hung on those little hooks under the bar, randomly kicked by drunks. What could possibly go wrong.
So bad, drunk cop with a gun.

on the other hand

This Kid OWNS YOUR SOUL

2009-10-11T12:01:00.007-04:00

So I don't know how long these video have been around, but I just saw them this morning.

...Lay off, I have a kid! The best I get to see on a regular basis is a steady stream of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Sprout and Your Baby Can Read DVDs.

This kid officially owns your soul now. This kid is what? 10? 11? 27? (To be honest, I could never really judge a person's age... hence this awesome ankle bracelet and a piece of paper that says I can't go back to any high school in the tri-state area...)

Classy.
But seriously... Let this kid be a lesson to all of you teenage boys who are thinking about starting a band. Don't. Beyond the fact that this kid is talent personified, there are numerous other reasons why you shouldn't start a band. These included: Local music sucks; just because you're good at Guitar Hero doesn't mean you're good at real music; and if your last name isn't Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, etc. you have no chance anyway.

He does EVERYTHING...

Moderately crappy 80's music that everyone knows

Classics (Just wish he did the Spanish version from The Big Lebowski)

Theme Songs

Classics

I'm 26 and can't do ANYTHING half as well as this kid!

You get the idea. So now go waste your entire day watching his entire library on YouTube and his website.

Strange Week

2009-10-09T13:21:00.003-04:00

So I'll open up with the fact that I've had a long one and might be just a little out of my head.
One of the first things I discovered this morning is that our president has won the Nobel Peace prize. I must admit this confuses the hell out of me. I'm not trying to get into politics on a pop blog, but a far as I can tell, they're giving him the Nobel peace prize because of all the good they think he's going to do. My research has been less than exhaustive, I admit, but really... the Nobel Prize? He won it on hope, which I admit, is kind of his thing. He's got that hope market pretty solid.
So I've been thinking about this all day and trying to think how to tie it into pop culture so this can be a little relevant for this blog. Then I stumbled on this. Archie is going into 2009 b, and without the requisite 1.21 jigawatts. They're giving him a do-over, apparently because the shocking revelation that he was going to marry Veronica was just unacceptable to the world. That is an entirely different rant.
Before this goes any farther, in an effort to comply with the new ftc regulations coming down the pipeline, Jughead did give me a burger to slander Archie... that ginger bastard.
Back to the rant. What Archie and Obama have in common is a new trend in America. We are coming to a point where hope is all we are asking for, and that's kind of a bummer. The very thought that things might actually get better is all it takes for people to start whooping and punching the air and doing little dances. I've got nothing against doing these things for pretty much any reason... I just wish we had more than "Hey, maybe this will be ok" as a justification. Take what we can get, and if we can't may the lord bless us with a timeline b.
Also, we're bombing the moon.
So we do have that going for us.
Peace, love and biscuits

Dear David Letterman

2009-10-07T16:09:00.005-04:00

So the best and brightest, in terms of sexual controversy, always has a couple of very specific elements to it:

1. Someone relatively sleazy.

2. An identifiable victim.

3. A nosy-ass, disapproving third party.

A confusing example of a "sex scandal" that's come up recently, however, is one involving David Letterman, ugly talk show host extraordinaire and all around creepy old dude. Most disturbing about this entire situation is that it is now confirmed that more than one woman has had sex with him.

Even Letterman doesn't quite know how he pulled THAT off.

The part of this whole clusterfuck of gross that's most puzzling, however, is that anyone even cares. Over the years, Letterman hasn't exactly been a doll to work with, but he's no O' Reilly. And he's never been shy about being non-committal: Aside from a stalker or two and a marriage very late in life, his public sex life could be described as incredibly boring (at best). So the instant some dude threatened Letterman with blackmail, of course he copped to the situation. Yes, he had sex. From what's been released, it could be as many as a couple of times. And you know what I say? Good for him.

I personally know at least three guys under the age of thirty-five whose "numbers" stretch well into the the fifties and sixties. THIS is a controversy. It's surprising at this point that their dicks haven't rotted off, or at least been sprained several times. But Letterman? He's a pretty hideous looking funny guy. He makes no bones about the fact that sexually, he's not exactly super successful. But he's a human being, a long-time TV comedian, and a writer: Probably the only people he spends time around, EVER, are employees. I can't blame him for dipping into the only pool he has time for.

With all this in mind, I truly doubt any of the women he had sex with felt their jobs were on the line. Frankly he doesn't seem like he has the castanets to fire someone over a sexual rejection; he'd probably be more likely to promote them for their good sense. And admitting it on national TV is, in my book, the last proof of this: wherever those women are, hopefully they're laughing all the way to work. Which for many of them is probably still backstage at his show. If he thought he should feel guilty about all of this, he probably would have just resigned.

So NOW should just lay the hell off. Yes, he had sex with women in the workplace, which violates a rule that virtually 100% of men have attempted to break themselves (don't shit where you eat). Yes, his wife is probably mad at him for not being the most faithful of men, but it isn't like he's got some on the side now that he has a marriage and a son. It's almost as if those responsible for trumping up these situations are just bored. Leave the guy alone and get back to Pitt and Jolie. At least if one of them goes fuck-rogue, we'll have someone nice to look at on TV.

This is all assuming, of course, that the first person to come forward with an harassment suit ISN'T Paul Schaffer. That's when we'll have a fucking story.

The Ill-Effects of Pop Culture

2009-10-06T21:26:00.000-04:00

Yes, we love pop culture. It's everywhere now! Every news website has an Entertainment page and the aisles at every store have loads of entertainment/trash magazines lined up sky high. However, like every other great thing, there are some people who take it way too far.

Fanboy was once a term for the geeky type who holed themselves up in the basement and bitched/worshipped a movie, comic, tv show, etc. But somewhere along the line, being a huge fan of something became socially acceptable. If one wore a Star Wars shirt, you earned yourself a swirlee... You wore a Creed shirt, everyone laughed at you to the point that you actually considered throwing yourself off the highest building you could find (which you still should because that is 100% unacceptable)... If you talked about a video game anywhere, you'd have to try to explain that its improving your hand-eye coordination...

"blah blah blah hairy palms
blah blah blindness blah blah blah not in my bed..."
I present to you the worst of the worst things Pop Culture has given us.

Hot Topic
Oh. My. God. I cannot tell you how much I HATE Hot Topic. Once upon a time, I planned to have a different graphic shirt for each day of the week, so Hot Topic was the place to go... Until I realized that I don't have $25 FOR A FUCKING SHIRT EVER!!!

Beyond that, I hate HT for the fact that the best things in pop culture are brought here to die. Anything that was once slightly popular, Hot Topic will carry every piece of merchandise that is related to that subject. Things that makes sense, like the logo on a sticker or, if applicable, the action figure, or even a shirt with the main character on it. But when you get to the point that they have an shitty mix of Ed Hardy-esque shirts mixed with anything with the movie, or socks with holes in colors or a picture of Jimmy Carter flipping off a donkey in space and a dildo shaped boot with Robert Patrick's face on it... And that's a wrist band!

Prime Example: Look at what it did to Boondock Saints. Before only a select few saw this great movie... Then every goth/athetist had a shirt with a prayer on it and every frat guy had a flask with the "logo" on it.

Me Too! Cars
Once upon a time, if you had a Mustang, Camaro, GTO or any other muscle car, that meant one thing only...

You got the puss.

But somewhere along the lines, these fine pieces of American "Fuck the Roads" craftmenship was replaced with "Hey Dad, buy me that!" foreign piddly shit that has been "tricked out." Of course, the High Holy One of these rodents of the road is the Honda Civic.

Often called the ridiculously racist "Rice Burner" due to it's Asian decent, the "Me too!" car gets it's name from this far-too-common conversation:

Any Jock You Remember From High School: Hey man... What you got?
Some Dude With 14 Popped-Collared American Eagle Polo Shirts: A Red 2008 Honda Civic
Any Jock You Remember From High School: ME TOO!!

I present "The Douche"
And thus a friendship is born based on what Mommy and Daddy bought you so they could keep you out of the house and on the roads, endangering others.

It's bad enough we have to deal with these assholes on any popular stretch of road in any city, town, village, or backwater hoboville... but then Hollywood shoved Gone In 60 Seconds and The Fast and the Furious in our faces.

The only way that movie lives up to it's name is that I click over the station playing it (TBS, BET, etc...) really FAST and if someone says that they were good movies, I get FURIOUS and tear their brainless heads off their popped-collared bodies.

Prime Example: Go to any road refered to as the "Golden Mile" on any night of the week. See if you don't immediately regret that decision. And also try to figure out where they got the money to drive all night in a recession...

Cos Play
The "art" of dressing up like your favorite character from any media.

Pittsburgh Steelers fans
I understand being a fanboy... I have 7 lightsabers that I have mounted on the wall and I only take them down for 2 reasons:

1) To poke the cats while they are sleeping

2) To use during Halloween

I also have a pretty good Jedi costume that stays in my closet and I only take it out for 2 reasons:

1) Halloween, a Halloween party or the rare costume party not in October

2) NEVER BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

But there are people in this world who feel that they need to go to the mall in costumes (What!?!) or to a Comic Convention in scostume (Okay, a little bit more understandable) or just go to their buddies home (again... What!?!) or to dress up for the release of their favorite movie/video game/book...

This is unacceptable. You know why people laughed at the movie Role Models? Little kids shouting expletives and racist remarks is funny, and McLovin acting like a complete tool in his castle land outfit/mindset. Oh, and KISS...

So, attention girls in skimpy outfit and wings: Stop it...

Except you
Prime Example: I have gone to one comic convention, and there I saw a guy dressed up like Heath Ledger's joker (this was before The Dark Knight came out) and he was carrying a double-bladed Darth Maul Force FX lightsaber. Tell me where the connection is and I will gladly praise this man for his ingenius.

Topical Halloween Costumes
So I work for a newspaper. And in such newspaper, we ran an article last week about Top Halloween costumes for this year. Some of the costumes listed were a Sarah Palin mask and Kate Gosselin wig.

Pictured above: Tiny Fey.
Sarah Palin mask unavailable at deadline.
And it's not just this year. Last year was McCain and Obama. For the previous 8 years before that was George W. Bush. 8 years before that, the Clintons. Before that, OJ.

If you buy one of these costumes, you should just stop the payment method right now and send all your money to me.

Prime Example: So many horrible costumes to choose from, but I'd have to go with the Jon & Kate's Kate wig. She's a reality star, a bitch, a horrible mother and all the news sites had a big article about her NEW HAIR STYLE on The View... A topical costume EPIC FAIL!!

Twilight
If you like this movie or these books, you need to go to the library, ask for the classics, go to the aisle and pick any book. Go home, read it. Then take a lighter or matches and do what's right after you've experienced real literature.

Prime Example: It's sad to say, but Twilight fits into any of the above categories, so it's Prime Example is all of it and how horrible this phenomenon is. It has invaded all aspects of the pop world.

The only time I will feel a twinge of sadness for the "Me Too!" driver is when his girlfriend for that week makes him put a "Team Edward" sticker on the passenger side window.

An introduction

2009-10-05T13:59:00.003-04:00

So I was just invited here to post things. I've been given a fairly specific job. I'm here to bring you things from outside the pop. I feel I'm moderately qualified for this job.
*I live on a boat, or I'm a vagrant
*I have a perchance for wandering into strange strange things
*Every six months I scour the internet for the worst thing I can find as a baseline for humanity

So basically, what I'm going to do here is show you strange things you might not have wanted to know about. I'm going find strange news from around the world to either boost or destroy your faith in humanity. I'll probably rant from time to time about nothing overly important. For now though, I'll leave you with this to stimulate your thought.

probably not SUPER safe for work... just a heads up (It's youtube, so by definition isn't entirely unsafe. --C)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffDPTKn7HiY

s0. We're back.

2009-10-05T13:50:00.003-04:00

They say that your average blog fails within the first year of starting up. (And if they don't, I just said it. Don't fight me on this.) But are we a statistic, having missed out on the last half of our first year?

Of course not! We track these statistics. We are statistic whores. So when we figured this one out, we put p0pcult into a state of deep hibernation, utterly skipping that fateful annual chance for failure. And now that we've gotten ourselves back into the game, it's time to loose Ripley on the ship and get those Alien bastards running for their lives.

That being said, we'll be adding a few new writers (at least that's the assumption.) I've invited an old friend, also, to bring you the weirdest sides of the world possible -- the Antip0p, if you will. He'll be posting shortly with possibly the oddest thing he could find. Start p0p off with a bang, right?

So welcome back. The cryogenic chambers are open and the cult is defrosting. We'll slap this bitch into the microwave and get it all heated up for you - grab the ketchup and be ready for a meal.

New(ish) cult, same old p0p.

2009-10-05T03:22:00.002-04:00

And I am totally in.

Thanks to Gus for takin' the leap -- motivation comes from the best of us. Let's all get excited, people!

p0pcult hiatus

2009-09-30T00:31:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna bring this back, old school.

Stay tuned.

PS WTF?

2009-05-17T16:28:00.001-04:00

And why does the p0pcult logo look like it says pApcult? I'm not even going to go there, it's just too low even for me, but srsly.

Srsly.

Geek of the week award goes to...

2009-05-17T16:18:00.001-04:00

Me. That's right, it goes to me. And I'll tell you why!

I was feeling a bit peckish today around 2 pm, and decided to kick it old school, and by old school I mean circa 1996, which can only mean one thing.

It's time to kill zombies, Resident Evil style, on an original playstation.

I am, by no means, a console geek. I will never claim to be, because I have no real love for console gaming. Table top RPG, hell yes, I will even DM old school D10 style, because I can remember how to do that (just don't ask me to convert a D10 to a D20 system, because that shit takes FOREVER.) However, the most current console system I own just happens to be the original playstation, because I never saw the need to spend $250+ on a few hours of mind numbing entertainment.

And yet, when I want to shoot zombies, I expect my playstation to work flawlessly, because hell, my original NES still works flawlessly, and by flawlessly I mean I still blow into the game cartridges to get them to load. Yes, I'm THAT old.

So I hunt down ResEv, the original mind you, only all I can find is the damn jewel case, because I think I left it with an ex boyfriend. Whatever, I still have the Activision Classics series, offering me such gems as Frogger and Pitfall. I love me some Pitfall on a cloudy Sunday afternoon.

So I pop in the disc, load the game, and realize that the only button functioning on my archaic Dualshock controller is the start button. Balls. Big ones. Off to Gamestop.

I figure, if ANYONE is going to carry an original playstation controller, it has to be Gamestop, because they carry EVERYTHING. I went into Gamestop in O-Mills a few years back, not so long ago, and they actually had original NES games. I bought the original Dragon Warrior, IN ITS ORIGINAL BOX, for $0.99. Go me.

I get to Gamestop, and there's these two kids behind the counter. They're literally kids, 16 at best, not a facial hair to share amongst themselves, and they look at me like I just asked for a joystick to an Atari 2600.

"Um, they don't even make those anymore, do they?"

Are you kidding me? Seriously, little kid, did you just ask me that question? OF COURSE they still make them, I checked online before I came. I just didn't feel like waiting for Amazon to deliver me a $8 controller. Disgusted, I leave the store.

And there, across the hall, shining like a beacon of hope for all to see, is my Mecca, Radio Shack, and you know what Radio Shack sells?

EVERYTHING.

But also Playstation controllers. The guy behind the counter, approximately my age, shares in my delight at the dated gaming system and we chat briefly about how sad it is that once great stores, like Gamestop, no longer seem to appreciate the beauty that is an original console.

With my new purchase, I saunter back to Gamestop, give the prepubescent boys a little grief for being total noobs, and proceeded home to do battle with crocodiles and 32 bit graphic snakes.

Thank you, once again, Radio Shack, for saving my bacon, and allowing me a few hours of mind numbing, soul sucking, gaming pleasure. Not only do I share my geek of the week award with you, but I do so gladly, because even though your merchandise is dated and your store smells faintly of mildew, you're still in business, whereas your arch nemesis and great rival, Circuit City, has gone the way of the Walkman. Congratulations, Radio Shack. You never let me down.

Commentary on Commentary: CNN and Geek Chic

2009-05-06T12:31:00.002-04:00

As a sort of meta-exploration on what it means to study pop culture, I'll be referring to this article, found on CNN.com, for the following few paragraphs. A-hem. (Wipes glasses.)

As the weekend of Star Trek release-y craziness approaches us, we have seen an uptick in the volume of geek/nerd/dork/etc. references and discussions. This is a natural phenomenon. Media outlets in general love to latch onto the summer blockbuster craze. In a few weeks we'll be exploring the merits of Artificial Intelligence and light-year advancements in prosthetic technology -- because Christian Bale is getting shot at by giant robots.

The largest of news outlets are like gigantic, slow robots themselves -- they feed on the collective information sources of the internet, only to process, combine, and package the same basic messages in an AP format. Anything not considered "breaking" news -- Twitterable, if you will -- is often days behind on the actual mood of the nation. Know what? We're sick of the Star Trek hype. It's coming out on Thursday, and some of us have to go to work in between. We'll deal with the wait.

This weekend, though? Totally would have had the time to read an article on geek-pop-culture. And that's what the news-ertainment industry doesn't understand: If you're going to rope us in with a fluff piece, either bring us to tears or wait 'till a Saturday.

I mostly say fluff piece because it is chock-full of already discussed, fairly obvious trendmatter. We know geeks are big. Remember when you referenced Revenge of the Nerds? I'm pretty sure that was the watershed moment for geek culture, CNN. An interviewee, however, believes this honor belongs to The O.C. -- a show most only remember for it's ridiculously parodiable plotlines and horrid acting. Adam Brody, if anything, carried that show for its duration -- functionally destroying his future career, kinda like Screech. (Who, by the way, was the first geek I ever saw hanging with the cool kids.)

But none of this is new, which is at least three fourths of what news is supposed to be. It's difficult for an outsider, especially one lacking in internet skills, to ever catch up with society in general if all one ever gets is day/week/month-old opinions and reviews. And for those of us obsessively trolling the internet for the newest possible info, this? This just gets in the way.

Now I'm not blaming the writer; Ms. France did her job well and found all of the relevant sources. The article is well written and coherent. It just should have been published in February. I'm not claiming to have predictive superpowers here, but seriously -- 'Geek Chic' is a years-old term. There are two seasons of Chuck, countless torturous hours of The Big Bang Theory, Green and Meyer on Heroes, and LOST even has time-travel. Pop a new Star Trek into the mix, and you don't exactly sound like Nostradamus two days before the biggest, most surefire geek-vindication since Skolnick and Childs.

Stuff About Today: WTF Edition

2009-05-05T13:11:00.002-04:00

-- Wolverine made 85 million dollars domestic this weekend, further proving that most of the population will buy into anything with a brand name. Remember to pick up your X-Men Origins: Wolverine novelty deodorant and garden tools on your way out of the theatre.

-- Wolverine made almost 160 million worldwide, and yes, I'm that disturbed by it. This is significant for two reasons. First, the fact that this movie doubled it's own earnings around the world is a pretty amazing thing when you consider the growing global access to Hollywood. Second, it means we still have an almost hypnotic power over the culture of the entire world, because they are clearly as stupid as we are.

-- Life, probably the best show nobody watched, was finally axed. This is sad, but not entirely; the show seemed to end in much the way a zen-cop show should: quietly. Go and watch the whole series, as it wraps up everything suspenseful by the finale, and satisfies like a good meal.

--Chuck, on the other hand, is still sweating it out. The now-infamous Five Dolla Footlong push definitely made itself some news, and the show is quite good at begging you to support sponsors without seeming like a total dick. This has to be an invaluable asset in TV right now, since you can't have a can of Coke in most shows without them looking like complete shills.

--Reportedly, after the credits in Wolverine there is a secret scene (in some releases) with a character from the movie addressing the audience. They probably should have thought about the potential franchising of characters before they derived most of their inspiration from early 90's videogames and horrible 60's monster movies, but what will be will be. None of this changes the fact that Star Trek is going to slap it in the mouth like a pimp dealin' with a bitch's attitude.

--I reiterate: Star Trek is going to pimp-slap Wolverine. I didn't honestly think I would cheer for this Star Trek, but it really needs to pull a Dark-Knight-to-Iron-Man and make that horrid piece of shit disappear. This time, though, it'll be for the good of mankind.

--Heroes is still on. That's good, right? Right?

--LOST is still ramping up to the season finale, although I am already ramped enough for my Aorta to pop at the next mention of Time Travel. GIVE ME MORE, ABRAMS.

--Turns out Swine Flu won't hide under your bed and do horrible things to you in the night after all (at least, not until the fall). Oh, by the way, while you weren't looking, Chrysler went bankrupt and most of the US banking industry admitted they have no real money. Happy Tuesday!

Jumping on the band wagon...

2009-05-04T12:09:00.003-04:00

I'm not one to panic. Really, I'm not. Just because I have a few (47) zombie contingency plans and a loaded gun under my pillow (safety on) doesn't mean I overreact to potential threats, it just means I'm prepared.

However...

In light of the zombie-pig apocalypse, I offer this motivational tool.

Now, let's go kill that kid, before we all DIE OF THE PLAGUE.

That is all.

Damn, I've missed you guys.

Apologies to Jim Henson

2009-05-01T19:44:00.002-04:00

Our friends over at stopthepig.blogspot.com have begun the fight against humanities greatest threat: The Pig/Swine/Baconator Flu.

Show your support by putting this graphic on your site!!

Swine Flu Patient Zero: We know what we must do.

2009-04-29T12:18:00.008-04:00

Let's get a little serious here. There are issues that cross pop culture lines, from entertainment, to news, to sports, to dirty magazines your mother doesn't know you keep under your weed stash in the vent in your closet. Global emergencies, while not exactly funny or light, are nevertheless a part of our lives, and nearly as important as a few of those things. (Not the magazines.)

And so the p0p shifts dramatically. Thought you were going to get a funny piece on something current, huh? Maybe an hilarious send-up of How I Met Your Mother with a few videos embedded? An article on how hot it was that Tina Fey and Salma Hayek made out on 30 Rock? But no. I have officially flipped a bitch on you, and brought you into the realm of something slightly more important than constant, masturbatorial self-examination: The Fucking Apocolypse.

DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN

According to the same people who regularly insist that events on American Idol are national news, it's finally hit: The big one. Swine Flu. It killed several million worldwide in 1918, and just the mention of the words "Swine Flu" has sent the nation into a confused, jumbled panic, incapable of discerning between a loaded gun and what is essentially a cold that Bacon gets. Suburban housewives, already overstressed by their days of cleaning and re-cleaning their kitchen floors, are unsure whether to buy toilet paper or handguns. I'd say we'll be seeing American school kids in facemasks in less than a week -- forcing the public education system to appear as though they have converted all of their facitilities to midget hospitals.

As of this moment, there are about 1400 confirmed cases of the Swine Flu in the world. How do I know? Because they keep telling us. Over. And over. Granted, last time it hit the US it killed half a million people -- but you know what? The regular flu kills about that many people worldwide. EVERY YEAR. Now while we don't necessarily enjoy that statistic, it's at least worth noting that the world-killing, society-dissolving superpandemic hasn't exactly exploded just yet. All I'm saying? Let's hold up on the zombie-hoard preparations.

We're probably too late, anyway.

Every major news organization in the world is likely Twittering your face off about the thing anyway, so you might as well look it up and know the facts. If you've been listening to your friends, you probably haven't heard a thing. If you've been listening to the TV, you know that thousands have suspected cases of the flu, and that the US has at least 5 affected states. (Thanks a ton, New York Prep Schools.) If you've been listening to the internet, you know it is a bio-engineered supervirus bent on forcing third-world countries to accept American agribusiness, giving Obama an excuse to shut the border and put anyone brown into concentration camps, and scaring the bejeesuz out of you so you don't notice other, more important things, like the Aliens.

So how does a dead virus just sort of... pick up where it left off? Researchers have confirmed the new strains have parts of human influenza, swine flu, and most exciting of all, Bird flu. Remember Bird flu? The last thing that was going to kill us? Turns out it's part of the current thing that's going to kill us, too. Which is a little spot-on, actually, considering this 2005 National Geographic article claiming that mixing bird and human flu in an infected porker was pretty much the best way to let some pigs get their viral Mojo on in modern times. And hell, while they're in there, why not pick up the best of the Swine flu too?

Thanks a lot, you evil little fucks.

But last night came the best news ever: they've found Patient Zero. The first of his village to recover from the flu, the patient was diagnosed and cured some time in early March, and his village -- which happens to reside next to giant, industrial pork farms -- is almost certainly the source of the epidemic/pandemic we're all pissing ourselves over. Further twist: Patient Zero is a five-year-old boy. This would be where the problems start.

First of all, if I've learned anything from videogames, it's that viruses are almost always far more powerful than anyone understands. Over the course of a few good killings, the virus can become stronger, faster, and then deadlier. Then, if the TV is right, it will begin mutating humans into sub-intelligent, super-strong demon creatures determined to feast on your adrenal glands. Or something.

Almost certainly the future of the Human Race.

Secondly, however, I've learned that in order to destroy the virus, we must first kill the source of it: Kill the head and the body will die. In this case, while sensible people would probably blame industrial pig farm waste being dumped into an innocent village, I think we should probably take note that this horrible planet-decimating blight came first from a five-year-old child. And of the three things I've learned from videogames, the third is the most important: Tiny, innocent looking children have incredible superpowers and will be the end of us all.

With that said, we have our mission: we must, en masse, travel to a tiny village in Mexico where very few citizens know what is going on globally. Using mob rule, we'll take over the town -- probably killing all of their doctors and a priest or two for good measure -- and irrationally demand they bring forth all of their children. When they do, we'll just have to deal with the telekinetic super-wrath and virus-spewing powers of the little boy, which will be formidable. Only then can the world live in peace -- clouds retreating, city fires burning out, floods ebbing. Birds chirping.

Just remember to wear your mask, because they probably have bird flu.

My Holiday Season

2009-04-17T20:52:00.003-04:00

I am ridiculously excited for the upcoming months because of one word:

Blockbusters.

It begins in May and lasts until (generally) August. And it is a beautiful time to be a movie buff. Long gone are the Oscar contenders and the kids movies and the chick flicks and the sappy foreign bullshit films. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not a fan of all of the above (mostly) but there's something about a Summer Blockbuster that just makes you NEED to scrape those much-needed-elsewhere pennies up and sit in an over crowded theater for approximately 2 hours.

"Here Daddy... Go see Star Trek, I'll only need 3 years and half a semester of college anyway."
Driving to work today, I called a friend to happily exclaim that this time of year is my favorite holiday season. Yes, holiday. Because it is so full of surprises and gifts from people you know and love. And its about giving and receiving. I give the movie theater 12 of my dollars (plus more if I'm feeling cheeky and/or hungry for nasty treats) and (hopefully) I get a good movie in return.

I've learned in years past that much like Christmas and birthdays, that you cannot always expect that big package to be what you think/hope it to be. In fact, every parent has had the thought at one time or another to put socks in the super big box that looks like the Power Wheels box their child has been drooling over for months. Just because the wrapped package looks awesome, doesn't mean that there isn't a steaming pile of suck with it's colorful facade.

So this year you have the list already in your head:

Wolverine is going to be like that gift from your awesome aunt that always gets you the dumbest shit like a light-up globe or sea monkeys. If she's so awesome the rest of the year, why does she have to suck during the best opportunity to be awesome!?! Just like Wolverine. Comics Wolverine is awesome. Hugh Jackman, total bad ass and bankable movie star... How does this add up to absolute dookie in film!?!

Transformers 2 is that big gift you really really want, but after you get out of the package and play with it a little, you realize that it is potentially the most offensively bad marketing ever... or lack thereof.

Star Trek is from your older brother trying to make you like the stuff he does. It probably will work because your older brother is awesome.

Terminator is like that toy you want because it has a "name" on it. Think back to all those Batman toys that had Batman using awesome shit, but in a hot pink costume... A total WTF sort of thing, but it's a Batman toy, so you needed it

Harry Potter is the book in your stocking. From Grandma. Used. But gently.

Etc Etc Etc...

But even though I know there will be some real stinkers, I don't care! I'll go see them all (if my wife lets me) because last year we all learned not to keep your preconceptions. "Who wants to see Iron Man!?! Give me a A-list hero..." Everyone loved that movie!

"Man I can't wait to see Indy back on the big screen!" Most of us wish we had waited.

"The Dark Knight is gonna be so bad ass." Truer words have never been spoken.

So, in closing, Happy Summer Movies everyone! Go out and give them a chance because big movie companies need your money more than your mortgage lenders, credit card companies and family health and welfare.

National News Networks: Mainlining drain cleaner never seemed so rational

2009-04-16T14:09:00.000-04:00

My generation -- or at least most of the wide-eyed, nervous, soda-addicted, insomniac populous that "My Generation" encompasses -- does not often watch the news. We've managed to grow up during an incredibly small window in history during which we learned to rely on tiny, texty gadgets that zip short, grammatically tragic messages from one person to another. These are our primary sources of information, even if the information we trade is mostly useless and almost completely nonsensical. Unfortunately for us I'm pretty sure this, as well as most reading, is about to be replaced by video screens implanted into your goddamn contacts or something. It took about four hundred years for Howdy Doody to supplant the Gutenberg Bible. Soon enough we'll all be getting our news directly from Youtube crotch shot videos.

But we 18-28r's don't tend pay much attention to CNN and such. For one thing, it can't be Twittered, and if you have flipped by the 24-hour news networks lately, you know that we're all apparently going fucking crazy for that shit.

Ever wanted to tweet with Wolf Blitzer? Of fucking course you haven't.

For another thing, news takes forever. Do you know they want you to watch those shows for like, an hour just to hear all of the news? That's valuable time you could be spending on something productive. Like Twittering.

I have to tell you people, you're really missing out. Remember how people used to talk about news broadcasters like they were heroes? When TV news meant something? No? Well, they did, especially guys like Walter Cronkite.

Look at this guy! He makes Hannity look like a coked-up spider monkey in a toupee.

This dude WAS the news. His breath even smelled like integrity. The strength of TV became instant dissimination of information, and Cronkite had the megaphone. He was essentially a real decent guy, too, so when he talked, you listened.

Now, however, we have the shrill harpies and idiot town cryers to report the news directly into our ears. Why? Because with your "Thousand channels and nothing's on" attitude, they have to do SOMETHING to get your attention.

So they'll do ANYTHING.

Including exploiting the dead!

It used to be that the news networks leaned more towards the whole "shining beacon of truth" thing. TV was news outlet number one, and most people -- ask your parents -- remember the most important events in that era of US history as they were reported on the news.

Now, however, the 24-hour news networks are like crowds of lawless zombie hobos. And you are wearing a bacon suit.

I bet you didn't even know it existed.

They'll do anything to get to you, too. Want an hour of Larry King devoted solely to UFO landings? Done. Same Nancy Grace topic four nights in a row? Done and done. Are you a lonely old crazy person with seven cats named after Confederate officers, a hump on your back and a penchant for antique gun collecting? They've got news for you. News so addicting, in fact, that you may neglect Little General Lee. Don't worry, they won't let you forget him -- they'll play plenty of cat food commercials. Plenty. And you should probably also get him some term life insurance.

It takes a rare breed, then, to become a voice so absolutely fucknuts that people who care admittedly very little (like, say, me) actually notice you're being offensive.

"The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President would be 'What the hell you mean we're out of missiles?'"

--Actual Glenn Beck quote.

Glenn Beck is what happens when you fundamentally damage a 13 year old, reform him from a life of crime and then give him a microphone. Seriously. That's his life story. As a consequence of his hard luck and subsequent steps back into the light, Beck ends up having roughly the same amount of coherence as a Southern Baptist minister on a meth binge. Charmingly, however, he is about ten percent as tactful, which leads to hours of wacky entertainment for the "What'll he say next?" crowd.

Because whatever it is, it'll piss off somebody.

He is most well known for:

-- Calling the mother of a dead soldier a "Tragedy Slut"

-- Really, really despising Michael Moore

-- Belittling victims of Katrina

-- Hating the victims of 9/11 and their families

-- Equating embryonic stem-cell researchers to Nazi scientists practicing Eugenics

-- Procreating four times, thus increasing "Likely candidates for offspring of Satan" to 9

-- Generally being a cock-in-the-box.

And Beck ends up being just the tip of the iceberg. If watching the news in the 60's was like a cigarette break, in the 2000's it's like freebasing speed every fifteen minutes until your eyes pop out. Worse, it would be unfair of me to single out a network like Fox News, especially when their competitors put this thing on the screen:

I wonder if you can figure out her name.

I'm also sure that if you've watched even half a minute of any of these networks, you know all the major players. Each commercial break is a constant subliminal flash of names like Larry King, Anderson Cooper and Bill O'Reilly.

Pictured left to right.

And that's pretty much the way of things: The news networks are no longer selling you the news. Instead they're selling you anchors, who pretend to have both knowledge of every possible situation and a completely justified opinion no matter what -- despite the fact that you've probably heard more tolerant, thought-out arguments from your creepy uncle Bernie who lives in the mountains and has a confederate flag painted on the roof of his barn.

Seriously? You can find anything on the internet.

And he's probably a lot less frightening than looking at Nancy Grace.

Dear Susan Boyle: Thanks

2009-04-16T00:42:00.005-04:00

Okay. Admittedly, I have been absent from the site for a little while. I needed some battery recharging. Now that that's all over with, though, I should be more vocal. Whether you like it or fucking not.

The reason I've decided to jump back on to the internet is Susan Boyle, newest internet mega-pan-flash and YouTube sensation. If you've been living in a cave for... well, really anything more than about 72 hours in this country, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about.

The 48-year-old, who is an unemployed charity worker from a small Scotland town, has gained fandom globally in less than half a week thanks to Simon Cowell's real job, Britain's Got Talent. The we-did-it-first equivalent to America's etc. etc., BGT has pumped out a few of these surprises over the last few seasons, and has filtered them onto the internet with greater success each time. It needed a real spark, though, to finally reach a worldwide audience, and Boyle is that spark.

I'm linking here to a very obscure little UK site, Deadline Scotland, which gives a day-after perspective to Susan Boyle's success. To her friends and neighbors, she is a quirky, unpretentious bit of playful lunacy -- a character in every sense of the word, as if she'd stepped right out of a British sitcom. She drinks lemonade at the bar, keeps her savings in empty whiskey bottles and lives alone. The children around her even sometimes call her a witch, further convincing me that she's blasted her way into reality using magic akin to Last Action Hero. I guarantee she has at least one insanely flowered bonnet in her possession, possibly with fake birds on it. And her voice, so new and apparently inspiring to the rest of the world, has echoed through the walls and the churches of her small town for over thirty years. To them, she is simply Susan.

My trend-o-graph spiked when I saw her video on Sunday morning, but being a lazy sonofabitch, I ignored it until I realized I could have been about 10 hours ahead of everyone else on this lady. (Full disclosure: the trend-o-graph is actually something I just made up. I know. Disappointing.) It doesn't matter, though, because I'd probably be writing roughly the same things about her. Boyle's importance doesn't so much lie in the realm of pop culture as it does societal self-examination: Susan, who is decidedly one of the more comely-looking faces to draw over 10 million YouTube views, is finding a nice, quiet spot in the global subconcious as a very pure example of fulfilling a dream.

Her life doesn't seem particularly difficult or particularly happy -- much like our own lives. Our daily routines almost definitely share some common banalities with her own. And, like Susan, many of us have The Big Dream -- the culmination of our greatest talent, or our most sincere love. The affirmation that of all of the things you do, there is at least one thing that you do fantastically. The show gave such opportunity for affirmation to one of the more humble, more lovable, more charactery characters the public has ever come across, and Susan Boyle fulfilled her dream and way more.

We've been lucky enough to live in a time when there is virtually no delay between live airing and viral internet spread, but her talent could very well have uncovered a sort of tipping point. Yes, South Park had their YouTube episode, and stars are blurring the lines between mainstream and internet success every day. But with a few notes and a few wistful glances from each of the judges on BGT, Susan Boyle's performance may flash across more computer screens than anything on YouTube has before. And that's saying something. This is international p0pcult, and now that Viral Video is reaching pandemic levels, worldwide Pop Culture may start to become pretty commonplace -- a concept as important to humanity as electricity was once. Or telephones. Or airplanes.

It's a small world, but it really is a big world, too. And when the smallest of us finally has a chance to be seen by everyone -- literally everyone -- in just the blink of an eye, it's time to consider that we might just be moving into some unfamiliar social territory. And it might be awesome.

Stuff About Today

2009-04-07T18:12:00.004-04:00

It's been awhile, and Charlie does it much better, but he gave his permission for me to attempt a Stuff About Today article. So here we go.

-- Today a photo from this past weekend's ACM gives the world a glimpse of Taylor Swift that she surely did not want to show. The photo, taken from what some would refer to as a "lucky angle," has been making its way across the internet and will, very likely be highly spoken about in numerous chat rooms and prepubescent boys dreams.

-- In an early report from "Stuff About Today" for Thursday, April 9, 2009, we have a follow up to the Taylor Swift story: Today millions of boys, country fans, numerous lesbians and creepy old men have been reported to have visited their primary doctor due to "severe ocular strain" caused by using a magnifying glass with their computer monitors. The US Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., has issued a report urging the country of the dangers of magnifying glasses mixed with computer monitors and candid celebrity photos.

-- Lindsay Lohan confirmed her break up with 13 year-old looking DJ Samantha Ronson on Monday. Today, Michael Lohan, Lindsay's father, has stated that he approves of his daughter's decision and hopes that this will end on a positive note. Everyone else in the world has stated that "Who the fuck is Michael Lohan?"

-- In continuing news, the country still reels in the news that Fast & Furious was Number 1 in the Box Office this past weekend. Jesus Christ, America... Seriously? How can you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning knowing that more than likely, you know SOMEONE who went to go see that movie this past weekend.

-- In Spoiler news, last night, Kal Penn's character on House committed suicide. Apparently the Silent Guy from Superman Returns has been asked to do PR for the White House, hence his exit. Obviously, this is a move to secure the College Stoner vote in 2012 because the funny foreign guy that's not the serious foreign guy in that movie really speaks to people. But he was in the last funny movie by National Lampoon, so I'll allow it.

-- Today Apple's iTunes Store began offering music at $ .69, $ .99 and $1.29. All music no longer has the copyright restrictions on them and they can be copied as much as one desires. Today, if you upgrade to iTunes Plus, you will be given the option to upgrade all your previously purchased music for $ .30 a song, or $3.00 an album. AudioSurf players rejoice.

-- GM and Segway make a 2-wheeled, 2-seated "car." It can go up to 35 mph and go for 35 miles on a single charge... 35 mph... 35 mi to a charge... 35... and 35... So you're trying to tell me that life will be easier and more convenient for me if I buy an overpriced "vehicle" that I would have to stop and charge every hour if I wanted to go full speed..? A trip to Orlando from Maryland would take FOREVER!! WTF, man!?! But it is another step closer to those chairs from Wall-E, and that's what's important people.

-- Finally, long-time friends of p0pcult., Matt and Anne are getting married this Friday. Much love to you guys and best of luck!

So that's my Stuff About Today. Hopefully Charlie will take it back soon and make it not suck.

p0pcult. Casting Call - Green Lantern

2009-03-26T23:24:00.015-04:00

As you may or may not not already know, DC's Green Lantern will begin filming this year. Unfortunately, not many people that I know are huge Green Lantern fans, and that's unfortunate, but I am a HUGE GL fan. I wasn't for a long time, but when the Kyle Rayner hit it's peak, I was hooked. How can I not relate to this hero? He's a cartoonist/artist who is given a all-powerful ring that can create ANYTHING his mind can conjure! I'm a cartoonist/artist. I have an active imagination. Where's my ring!?!

Anywho, back in the day, Wizard Magazine would do "casting calls" for various comics and about 3 beers into lunch yesterday with Charlie C, we decided that we need to bring it back.

So, here we go.

Here's the set up: Forget the origin story from the get go. Let's pick up the story in the middle of some serious shit. Battle between worlds, Sinestro Corps versus the Green Lantern Corps in the middle of space and both sides have seen heavy losses... Bodies and unclaimed rings flying everywhere. Maybe a flashback to how each of the Earth GLs got their rings, but nothing to spend too much time.

Hal Jordan- David Boreanaz
The most famous of all the Green Lanterns. Perhaps the film could be his fall into become Parallax then the Spectre. Yes, he was the voice of Hal Jordan in Justice League: The New Frontier, but come on! The voice worked and his looks would work! Whether it was Angel or Agent Booth on Bones, the man can play a cocky asshole with heart better than anyone else.

Kyle Rayner- Jamie Bamber
The aforementioned artist-turned-superhero could be the secret star of the movie (everything thinks Hal Jordan is the star... like The Village) He was great as Lee "Apollo" Adama and if his back-and-forth flirty/funny dialog with Starbuck is any indication of his comedic skills, he could definitely pull off the happy-go-lucky-guy-turned-hero-of-the-universe.

John Stewart- Richard T. Jones
A Marine given the powers of the Green Lantern with a strict morale code, and put into the Justice League as an Affirmative Action requirement in all modern cartoons. While he plays the soft-spoken and religious-based FBI Agent/Unwitting Accessory James Ellison on Sarah Connor, he was a complete bad ass as Cooper in Event Horizon. That alone justifies this choice.

Alan Scott- Bruce Davison
The Golden Age Green Lantern just so happens to have a very loose (retconned) connection to the Green Lantern Corps, he is part of continuity and could play an interesting part in the battle and to guide Kyle Rayner. All of my experience with Bruce Davison makes him out to be a pretty good dickhead on screen, but the new Knight Rider showed he can play the fatherly figure very well.

Guy Gardner- John Cena
The Bad Boy of the Corps, Guy always holds a grudge towards Jordan but will have to put their differences aside for the greater good. Guy Gardner is a badass. He's tough and gruff and ripped... Who better to play the role than someone who's job is to be all those things. And it's a small enough role to keep Cena tolerable.

Kilowog- Voiced by Michael Clark Duncan
A Green Lantern for Space Sector 647, he's large, strong and Pink. Acting as the light comic relief, Kilowog could be characterized as a rookie and exceptionally kind-hearted for his size. He would be incredibly intelligent, however most other characters would assume he is dense and dim-witted.

Jade- Jessica Beil
Allan Scott's daughter and super heroine in her own right, Jade fights with the Corps, but outside their ranks. Jade is Kyle Rayner's girlfriend ans would act as the movie's "eye candy" hence Jessica Beil.

Carol Ferris- Bridget Moynahan
Hal Jordan's love interest, President of Ferris Aeronautics. Headstrong and able to put Hal in his place when he gets out of line with emotion, but kind and loving enough to build him up when he needs it. She plays nice, she plays bitch, and she plays hot. Tom Brady, you're a dumb sonofabitch.

Sinestro- Stanley Tucci
The fallen Green Lantern and now their greatest threat. Stanley Tucci can do just about anything, and you need a command performance to play a very powerful and dark villian. He played a power-hungry asshole in the Terminal, now imagine that guy a million times over and... pink.

Green Arrow (Non-costumed Cameo)- James Marsters
Hal Jordan's longtime friend. It will be fun to just see these two together on screen, but he has to have the classic facial hair and the blonde hair.

Feel free to comment below!

TxtBattle: Battle of the Worst fanfic ideas ever

2009-03-26T19:12:00.007-04:00

Gus: Here's an idea for you: What if we could keep people in PokeBalls? Think of the profits. Pokeprostitute, Go!

Charlie: That actually sounds more like fanfic fetish than anything else. ...Not saying I can't use that.

Gus: It's a throwaway idea, really.

Charlie: But it leads to an article on 'the most inadvisable fanfics ever'

Charlie: Another example: A transformer/GEM crossover involving a plot to blow up a massage/motor oils factory. Truly, truly, TRULY more outrageous than meets the eye.

Gus: Movie or cartoon transformers?

Charlie: To make the proportions and metal-on-flesh even more awkward? Movie. Think of the x-rated transformer possibilities.

Gus: Oh my.

Charlie: See? Inadvisable.

Gus: A Teddy Ruxpin - My Little Pony double beastiality combo.

Charlie: Rainbow Brite meets Gargamel.

Gus: 2 Glow worms, 1 cup.

Charlie: Alex P Keaton and Marty McFly hook up with Teen Wolf.

Gus: "When I kiss you... it's like I'm kissing... my brother."

Charlie: The destruction might in fact be localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

Gus: Sweet.

...Feel free to continue below.

A true hero: Thai Spiderman

2009-03-24T13:27:00.002-04:00

Reading this title, you'd probably think this was just a gag article, but this story is fo' reals -- a Thai Firefighter dressed up as Spiderman in order to help a distressed Autistic child off of a ledge.

I have a very deep respect for anyone who's willing to help people, especially in creative ways. Alongside that, I'm a big fan of those who assist the mentally disabled.

Also, SPIDERMAN.

Go to the link -- the BBC could use a little more global attention anyway -- and read the story. Check out the picture. Spiderman climbs up and hands you some juice? Best effin' day ever.

Farewell Old Friend

2009-03-21T10:27:00.005-04:00

I'm going to avoid spoilers, but I promise nothing.

Last night, we saw an old friend pass quietly into the realm of reruns and DVD box sets. It did as it always had, a fine mix of excitement, adventure, deep conversation, life observations and just pure joy for good entertainment. It did as it always had, defied expectations... After years wondering how it would all end, it did as few expected... Happily. And as it ends, it acts as a sort of death cry to one of the last good shows on TV. Our Friday nights will never be the same.

"My career is over!! Yay!!"
I work second shift, so it was a hard pill to swallow knowing that I would not see the initial showing of the Battlestar Galactica finale, and even worse knowing that I wouldn't be home in time to see the recast at 12:11 AM. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, but luckily OnDemand saved the day.

So at 2 AM this morning, I began the journey to say goodbye to an old friend. And I was nervous, as I'm sure many of us were, and rightfully so. BSG has rarely let us down before, but there is always that shadowy figure in the back of every show creator's mind... the one that always says things like "Let's fuck all the people who have made us popular and allowed us to stay on the air for so long. Right in the anus." So I was literally shaking through the majority of the show.

But it wasn't only for the fear of Ron Moore raping my love for great television, I was honestly nervous for these characters and their plight. The Big G has been a home for us for 5+ years also. I didn't want to see Galactica torn to shit and destroyed... I didn't want to see everyone onboard to be absolutely decimated... And most certainly didn't want to see that son of a bitch Dean Stockwell win...

In the end, all was well. I went to bed around 5 completely satisfied. Things were tied up nicely, no one did anything outside of what their character development would allow. Adama was still Adama, Lee was still Lee, and Cavil did exactly what Cavil would do in that situation... even if NO ONE saw it coming.

And on a quick side note, I'm glad they finally brought forth the whole Tori-Cally angle. That really upset me last half-season and I'm glad it was followed up on and resolved. Call me messed up, but I cheered when Dee offed herself and I cheered when this angle came to it's conclusion.

So for once... The survivors of the 12 (13) Colonies got a happy ending. It wasn't the ending they were looking for initially, but it was the ending they deserved. I read that a few people who saw the sneak peek last Monday didn't like the extra tag ending, but I thought it was well done. Sometimes it's nice to see what happens down the line.

So hopefully I didn't ruin anything for anyone, and if you haven't seen it yet... You're in for a good time.D

Well Played GameStop

2009-03-20T22:41:00.004-04:00

It has come to my attention that GameStop is pre-selling the new Guitar Hero: Metallica game and they are offering an interesting incentive... A free bass drum pedal for the double-kick action.

Holy dog shit!

I was kinda interested in the game before... I mean, I didn't get the Aerosmith version and didn't feel like I was totally missing out on the Guitar Hero experience, and I'm not a huge Metallica fan. I have the essential Metallica songs and the S&M album, but aside from that, why should I care about this game? To be honest, before I found out about this presale item, I was only gonna get the game for Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" and Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Tuesday's Gone." But now, I want it for a completely useless peripheral that will make drumming even harder!!

So, I say "well played GameStop!" You've made me want a game that I don't need/ have the money for/ or the time for for no good reason, and had misspelled Lynyrd Skynyrd on your packaging. Well done.

Side Post: This Makes Me Happy

2009-03-19T18:50:00.002-04:00

Sorry for going AWOL since last week, and apologies for the rest of the p0pcult. crew... St. Patty's Day does that sometimes.

I'll be posting an article soon about an upcoming video game and the associated pre-sale, but for now...

This.

I am a very happy boy right now.

Indie Audio Geekiness: Welcome to the overinformed

2009-03-16T15:02:00.002-04:00

My roommates and I have been putting on a "comedy" radio show for the past few months now, so existing within that using-a-dying-medium-for-attention club has really helped me appreciate others in the same position. As such, I'm hoping to post something about this field every so often.

The first, and best example I have for this is what appears to be (or could be, at any rate) a Master's thesis on underground techno/electronica/jungle -- and the short, evocative drumbeat that has influenced it every step of the way. Recorded by a Nate Harrison, the entire thing is about 18 minutes long, and don't expect to laugh. This isn't a comedy piece -- it's a serious exploration of wicked minutia, and it ends up forcing you to think about musical origins as a whole. You might even finally nail down your feelings on that whole Queen/Vanilla Ice debacle.

I present to you a youtube video that doesn't need (or particularly use) the video part: The world's most important 6-second drum loop. If you don't enjoy listening to things like NPR or Music History lectures, you won't give a crap. But if Pop Culture is your game, then you should know where it starts. That way you can seem way slicker than any beret-wearing, indie junkie with a Van Dyke you come across.

I <3 sleep

2009-03-15T19:59:00.002-04:00

I'm in Memphis.

MEMPHIS!

Did you know it takes 14 hours to drive from Chambersburg PA to Memphis TN non stop? Did you know it's IMPOSSIBLE for three people to drive non stop for 14 hours, so a 14 time table is RIDICULOUSLY INADEQUATE?

I love road trips. They are, quite possibly, the best part of the spring/summer for me. I like going new places, learning new things, and seeing new sights. I'm an avid history buff, so any museum-esque display catches my attention. And while I love road trips, I came to the conclusion that all of my road trips up until this point pale in comparison to driving to Memphis. Let me explain.

I woke up on Friday morning at approximately 7 am, after only 5 hours of sleep because I was excited about the trip. I went to work, and all I could talk about was going to Memphis (even though 60% of my coworkers were not there and I was under extreme pressure to get out at a reasonable hour.) I left work and drove to Chambersburg to meet my cohorts, Trey and Negley, and I literally giggled like a giddy school girl the entire way.

The original plan involved us leaving once I arrived in Chambersbug and driving through the night to Memphis. We decided to forsake this plan because I'd worked all day, and sleep would probably have been a good idea. I still think sleep would have been great, but in the excitement of the trip, OF COURSE I didn't sleep. I laid in bed at Trey's, waiting for sleep, praying for sleep, knowing full well I wouldn't sleep. Trey could have slept through the bombing of Dresden, so of COURSE he slept, and Negley sleeps half the day anyway, so he wasn't close to tired. So we watched Silent Hill, and I screamed "WTF is that?!?" while Trey was comatose on the couch, waiting for 4 am when we would leave.

Did I say 4 am? I really mean 5:30, because Trey is a primadonna who has to primp before driving for 14 hours, and while he CLAIMED to have everything ready to go, it still took a half an hour to get his stuff from the house to the car, even though the car was EIGHT FEET FROM THE DOOR (we also had to finish watching Silent Hill, but as that only took an additional 20 minutes from the time Trey regained consciousness, I don't attribute it to the lateness of departure.) We got everything in the car, we got in the car, we stopped for gas and super glue (to afix the GPS docking station to the dashboard, because the suction cup doesn't work worth shit) and FINALLY got underway.

We drove across four state lines in 40 minutes, because I-81 does that. We reached Virginia, and the real fun began. And by fun, I mean the 6.5 hours it takes to get to the Tennessee border. We stopped for breakfast at Cracker Barrel (Best Place EVER) and to pee a lot (because Trey has the bladder capacity of a small squirrel) but eventually made it to Tennessee.

For those of you not familiar with US geography, Tennessee is a WIDE state. While it took us 7 hours with stops to reach Tennesse, it took us 8 hours with only two brief gas stops to cross Tennessee and reach Memphis. By the time we reached the city, I'd been awake for 40 hours, my eyes were blood shot and glaring, and the call of a shower was a Siren's song I could no longer resist. Once clean again, and feeling marginally alive, we decided to call it a night in, got some truly wonderful ghetto Chinese food, and promptly fell asleep at 9:30.

But today began the first real day in Memphis. We were up by 9, ready to find out what secrets the city could impart upon two traveling musicians and an over zealous blogger from the North. We started at Graceland, because if you go to Memphis and don't stop by Graceland, you have no soul. We looked at the Kings house, considered paying $30 each for the tour, and decided, since he wasn't home anyway, that we'd pass. We did roam the over priced gift shops, bought memorabilia, and ate fried peanut and banana sandwiches and cheeseburgers at the diner.

Sun Studios came next, and my GOD, it was amazing. I actually put on my best rockstar face, kicked a leg in the air like Steven Tyler, I posed for a picture with the microphone Elvis used to record "All Shook Up." We bought CDs, more memorabilia, and jumped onto the shuttle to hit the Rock and Soul Museum.

The Rock and Soul Museum is a self guided tour, and I tend to like those better than guided tours, because you can move at your own pace without a group of strangers blocking all the good photos. While you can't take pictures in the museum (which SUCKS) you can see every exhibit for as long as you want without feeling left behind, which is nice. That place was PACKED with artifacts from the early days of Memphis music, and I still didn't see everything in there (because my feet were tired!) But oh God, what an experience.

Did you know that the only reason Wurlitzer juke boxes have colored lights around the faces is because of a Dr. Pepper advertisement conveniently placed atop a juke box in Memphis? NEITHER DID I! But we do now! I also got to listen to the theme from Shaft six times while in there, which is always awesome.

Now we're back at the hotel, getting ready to get some southern BBQ for dinner. Mmmmmmmmm, pork!

Catch y'all tomorrow.

WTF: That '70s Show Season 8

2009-03-14T15:03:00.003-04:00

Welcome to the first installment of Waste That Film!, aka WTF. Where in I ask WTF (What the Frak) is up with WTF (Wasting that Film) or better stated as "why did you even bother?" Today, I have my sights set on That '70s Show's final season... The horrible season that it was.

Now, I must admit that I do, in fact, own the final season of this series, but that is more of my OCD kicking in over needing to have a show's complete series run. Shows that ended too soon are easy to keep track of, a la Arrested Development (but if you don't have all 3 seasons... you are wrong) but long series... You get to a point where you might as well just bite the bullet and dish out the cash for all 6+ seasons. And my saving grace with this particular season in question is that it was a Christmas present. So props to Poppa Larry for completing this series and contributing to my obsessive wallet-shrinking disorder.

I still remember watching the first episode of That '70's Show. I've seen the Pilot so many times that I can't tell you what exact scene from it I remember making me really enjoy it and wanting to continue watching it, but I do remember 2 thoughts:

1) Holy shit! The bad guy from Robocop is in this show!! BAD ASS!!

2) Holy shit! This show is awesome! Too bad it's on Fox and it will be canceled before the end of the season.

Fortunately I was wrong on Point 2 and we were given 7 quality seasons of pot jokes, good music and sex. And Mila Kunis and Hot Donna. The cast was likable, the story never got too repetitive and it was just a good old show that was nice to watch. I, like many, grew with Eric Foreman and his motley crew.

How you doin'!?!
Then the money came.

Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace had a few movies up until that point, like Butterfly Effect (while I do not like Kutcher, he was perfect for that role) and In Good Company (wonderful movie) they got the bug and were both set to film The Guardian and Spider-Man 3, respectfully... and crapfully. So it was time for them to make their exit. Kelso was a disposable character, however Eric was the heart of the show. How would it survive?

The writers attempted to place a replacement character in the weeds at the end of season 7, but during the off season he was offered his own show. Instead, we were left with Seth Meyers' less funny brother, Douchebag Meyers.

I mean Josh, but Douchebag is much better suited.
After looking at Meyers' resume on IMDB, one must ask: Why the Frak would anyone enjoy this guy on screen!?! He was fired from MadTV... Let me repeat that so it can sink in... He was FIRED from MadTV. You don't have to be funny to be on MadTV, so I can't even imagine what one would have to do to get FIRED from that... thing. Then right before That 70's Show he was in Date Movie. I've never had thoughts of suicide in my entire life, but about 10 minutes after being drug into that movie, I was trying to fashion a noose from my Twizzlers and hoping that Sour Patch Kids were deadly if exposed directly to the brain through the nasal cavity. I held an all new appreciation for life after leaving that movie because that movie sucked balls. I hated cinema for a long time after that movie.

So, take that, subtract Eric's Vista Cruiser... but now we don't have an opening title sequence. Oh, I know, let's take one of the shows best cinematographic cornerstones and totally ruin it by making our cast dance there... and have people who have no business being in the "Circle" be there! Guh.

Then, the Jumping of the Jumping Shark (when a show totally loses it)... Donna and Eric break up off-screen for no good reason!?! Just so Donna and Douchebag can start up the sexual tension in the show!?! Hey writers... No! No! Stop it!

And finally, Fox got wise and canceled the show, but needed the big names to come back... So break up Donna and Douchey, and all is well because it will be 1980.. Whew! But it was too late. That '70s Show ended like a shit-flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean. Kinda like a Tootsie Roll at first, then green baby shit in your mouth. (No Comment)

So all in all, I would say that That '70s Show Season 8 was a total Waste of Film. A completely non-WTF ending would have seen Eric about to leave for Africa, saying goodbye to all his friends in the basement, walking up the stairs and turning off the lights.

And then the crew yelling at him because they are all still in the basement about to watch TV like nothing had changed.

Son of a BITCH.

2009-03-13T01:52:00.001-04:00

I'm angry because I was going to do this with Sitcom houses someday, and then turn it into a Master's thesis. I'm happy because I know I'm not the only crazy bastard thinking about it.

Head over to danmeth.com, and watch the page for more "Pop Cultural Charts." The Sitcom-House-Setup chart and the Trilogy Quality Chart are, however, every bit worth the visit.

Side Post: Funny YouTube Video for Today

2009-03-12T17:18:00.004-04:00

No words can add to this...

The Bryan Brinkman Experiment: Fine, Fallon, I'll bite

2009-03-12T00:52:00.004-04:00

Jimmy Fallon has started something called "The Bryan Brinkman Experiment," attempting to get an audience member (named -- wait for it -- Bryan Brinkman) more Twitter followers than Obama. It's about to air on Late Night, but I found it on the blog early, and I'm throwing my support in.

Jimmy is getting another chance tonight because Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht of Digg.com are doing an interview (possibly connected with the Brinkman thing). They've been on web talk shows for years now, and their crossover into regular TV means we might get some quality Rose and Albrecht on network broadcasts. Not only that, but Fallon seems to be drifting away from the staples of late night and into his own, slightly better version. Being a child of the internet (so to speak), he might know how to do it in 4 weeks instead of the three to six months of the typical late night host. Tonight I give him a second opportunity to give me hope.

Or palm my face. Hard.

EDIT: Well, the audience didn't seem to enjoy Alex and Kevin, even though they were awesome. Jimmy's improving, but still has a long way to go with celebs. Except Russell Brand. Whatever he was on made interviewing him comedy gold.

Brinkman, By the way, is gaining Twitter followers by the second. This experiment... intrigues me. Like a Colbert ultra-stunt.

Liveblogging from a bar: One step closer to my dream job

2009-03-11T20:17:00.002-04:00

The Wharf Rat in Baltimore is not what you expect.

Walking in at first, you'd expect a theme bar, of course. Baltimore's Fells Point is little more than a series of fantastic drinking holes interspersed with small restaurants and shoppes -- not shops. The extra alphabet is required to describe the little trinket stores, with sometimes very unique faire (and occasionally not so much).

The Wharf Rat, however, refuses to obey conventions in a few directions. The bar is dimly lit by the lanterns along the rafters, so most of the light is provided by christmas lights that could have been purchased at Wal-Mart. Trivial Pursuit cards dot the surface of each table, offering guests the opportunities to make asses out of their friends. The floor is reminiscent, I'm sure, of whatever floor originally topped the foundation. It might be the original, but the sturdy wood beneath your feet tends more to remind you of an old pirate ship than anything else.

And that's the interior in a nutshell -- if your friends could rent a party pirate ship and get a bar jammed into the middle of it, you'd be in a floating version of the Wharf Rat. Not afraid of their nautical leanings, they embrace their love of the sea whole-heartedly, including allowing a pirate-shanty Pub sing in their long, alternate bar area.

That's what I'm doing here tonight -- my Pirate friend is having a birthday tonight, and his activity of choice is the drunken shouting of sailing songs.

The beer is good, especially the microbrews, and the food -- though very bar-ish for the later crowds -- is delicious. You wouldn't expect pirates to make such kick-ass pizza, either, but they do. The field of tables feels more like an actual pub, as opposed to a restaurant, so the tasty selections provide a for an awesome meeting place in the middle of a night out.

So without expectations, go get tipsy at the Wharf Rat. They'll treat you well, sell you great eats and not tax your taste with an overly-modern Nightclub style. The classics are alive and well in this part of Baltimore, and bars like the Wharf Rat are right in the center.

Happy Birthday B!

Side Post: Eating Crow

2009-03-10T19:38:00.005-04:00

As I've stated before that there is one man I trust above all others about all things movie, TV or literature. And he has spoken.

Apparently, Watchmen was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that he has seen it twice. The guy is a poor college student... and he's seen it twice. You know that I movie has to be worth a damn to take the movie over what could potentially snowball into his inability to buy a textbook or lunch or gas or another movie ticket... Like to see Wolverine or Star Trek.

He did acknowledge that the film had some minor changes and more punch-you-in-the-face violence, and for him to allow such a thing is HUGE. So now I need to see it. Soon. Like, now.

EDIT: He also commented on that the soundtrack wasn't that bad, except for the version of Hallelujah they have. If you've seen Shrek, then you know the song. Yeah, that one... One of the most beautiful songs in the world, and the version they chose for this film is the biggest piece of shit I've ever had to listen to 30 seconds of as an iTunes preview. Go ahead and check it out. Then go find the a cappella version on BOCA 2006. If you don't find that version absolutely incredible, you don't have a soul. If you like the version from the movie, stop reading my blogs because you ruin life with your shitty taste in music.

Anyways, I am a big man, and I know defeat when I see it. So, to Zack Snyder, I apologize. I should have kept the faith after 300...

Side Post: Castle

2009-03-10T02:21:00.003-04:00

Nathan Fillion, you slick son of a bitch. Joss Whedon, the man who made you, can barely get a show to make twenty seconds sense this season, and you go and remind all of us why Bruce Willis did Moonlighting.

Castle really is pretty good. It's another in the increasingly interesting line of "Back to Basics" hour long TV -- screw the arcs and the overdramatic subplots. I want forty-four minutes of character-driven awesome.

Fillion and Castle provide just that. Go watch.

When Idiots Watch the News

2009-03-09T18:19:00.008-04:00

As the country spirals itself directly down history's crapper, a widening gap between political philosophies has become a disadvantage to the very people this nation was founded to protect and provide for: Morons.

Their leader.

The problem is all of this political speak. Why are Conservatives on the right and Liberals on the left? Is the reverse true in the UK? Democrats use the color blue to identify themselves, and Republicans use red -- but everyone knows that the Democrats are the dirty, baby-eating Communists. And why is it that only Republicans are allowed to own full grown pet elephants? Isn't that some sort of discrimination?

As such, I've dedicated my thoughts to explaining the details between the two sides, according to how the News Media portrays them: The gay-marriage-stem-cell-parade having Marxists of the left wing, and the hobo-murdering, wife-beating, swim-in-a-pool-of-money Scrooge McDuck bastards of the right.

For our first part, the lefties:

To begin, you must understand that the politics of the left wing are inspired by the most horrible of our unsuccesful politicians: Failures of mankind such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln and Jesus, all of whom participated in hideous rituals of social service and Satanic puppy-mutilating. However, as most of these role models are dead (supposedly -- I'm talking to you, Zombie Lincoln), the brainwashed slobbering hordes now get their hate speak from this travesty of existence:

Totally not gay.

Also this guy:

Slightly gay. Yet forgivable.

If you lean more toward the conservative side of things, forgive the evil that radiates from the above photos. It may be difficult to look at either for too long unless you're holding your bible. Even then, don't stare into Keith Olbermann's eyes for more than a few seconds. You'll black out, wake up on a peach-colored couch in an unfamiliar apartment and discover you now have a "roommate" named Toby who rarely wears pants and insists you listen to Barry Manilow records during dinner.

What do these heathens and demon-men believe? Let's check a few items on the list:

-- Money is bad, and nobody should have any. People are happiest when poor.

-- We should give welfare to everyone, even Congresspeople. If possible, all jobs should be eliminated in favor of staying home, having kids and smoking crack.

-- Tigers and other exotic household pets should be allowed to run for public office.

-- Abortions are awesome.

-- Celebrities, like professors, are a precious resource of knowledge and experience. Britney Spears, for instance, has the left-wing equivalent of a PhD in Social Justice: A Grammy. Paul Blart, Mall Cop will soon be our new secretary of Commerce.

-- We should beat children into submission by forcing them to be creative. The left does not believe in testing, and they are dedicated to eliminating a child's God-given right to be academically tested until catatonic.

-- God isn't real. And if he was, he would totally smell like farts and drink the last of the milk without throwing the container away.

-- Terrorists need hugs and candy. They cannot be stopped by any other means.

-- Humans and Monkeys, having common ancestry, should legally be allowed to marry.

The horror of these nutjob, self-loving Demon-crats is that they have somehow hypnotized the entire country into voting them into office using a fair, time-tested system that measures a significant majority of concrete opinion amongst a random sampling of the population. The fucking nerve. Like a rocket-powered wheelchair at the Special Olympics, their dual tactics of "accurately interpreting the system" and "following the law" are the dirtiest kind of politics: The kind that no other politician is clean enough to use.

In addition, Democrats are always giving away the hard-earned money of our most beleagured social class: The unfathomably wealthy. Our economy is tanking, and yet the president and his politi-cronies are taking away precious kazillions from our kazillionaires. And where are they putting it? Financial wastelands like road improvement and orphanages. Just throwing it away. They hate financial freedom so much they want to give it to everybody, thus diluting it for the people who had to work so hard on their back door, legally gray business dealings. Some of these unfortunate rich might not even have enough to buy a second plane after the Lefties are done in office, but we'll see: Remember, Righties, Sarah Palin can come back in 2012. And if she's elected, it'll be like Bush never even gave up his divine right to rule our country!

In part two, I'll explore the inner, often extremely gelatinous workings of the average right winger, unless the creatures inside of them devour my very sanity first. We'll see if I can hold them at bay with snausages.

W.

2009-03-06T20:53:00.004-05:00

Today, Watchmen came out.

I did not rush out to see it because today was my son's original projected due date, so I accepted the fact that I would not see this movie its opening weekend a long time ago. That and I am relatively new to Watchmen. Only after I saw the original trailer was I handed the graphic novel and told to read it.

Before you go off on a shit-fit of "blah blah blah eleventh-hour fan blah blah blah loved it for years," to be completely honest, the trailer really made me want to read it less. I'm not sure if it was the trailer with a bunch of actors I had no idea who they were except for Russell from Stillwater and the "I'm always naked" girl from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Entourage and The Heartbreak Kid, or the rabid fan sitting front of me who freaked out through the ENTIRE FUCKING TRAILER!

I respect the shit out of the novel, I love it. I had a tough time getting through the first couple of pages, but once I sat down and digested it a little, when I picked it back up I was hooked. And I can see why it was called "unfilmable..." but I thought that was because any amount of Billy Crudup penis would be too much.

This on IMAX... No thank you!
But to go absolutely APE SHIT in a public place on the opening weekend for The Dark Knight was a bit for me to tolerate. I don't think I've ever freaked out like that in a public place... except for a time or two when I was absolutely hammered in college and "Ice Ice Baby" came on.

Approves
So, you can have your Watchmen movie, which has been horribly panned by everyone I've paid a slight bit of attention to. Those who say it's awesome, may or may not have said that Hulk, Doom and Episode 1 were all awesome... Just saying.

No, I am much more excited about X-Men Origins: Wolverine (or Wolberine if you so please) but I'm not freak out in a theater excited... The previous 3 X-Men films made sure never to be excited for an X-Men movie... ever. They were fun movies, but not even remotely what I would call "great movies" and they lack a very important aspect of movies for me and most of the people I consider friends: Re-watchability. And I have no doubt that this movie will continue that trend. Wolverine will be a bad ass, there will be a lot of "cameos" and a lot of shit will get tore up and/or blown up. I'll watch it once, possibly but the DVD for future viewing and quickly forget about it. But for now, look at this, and tell me it doesn't tickle your "f'ing awesome bone" a little...

It's like Chris Claremont sex for your eyes
Anywho, that's all. I hope we all can enjoy Watchmen and it gets the special treatment it deserves, but I'm not expecting much.

HOLY CRAP

2009-03-05T19:55:00.003-05:00

I'll have to be truthful to you -- there are times that a man questions his faith. Too few, indeed, are the times when a man's faith is restored.

I have absolutely no clue what I did to deserve such joy in this life. For the prophecies have come true: A Boy and his Blob will come to the Wii.

You may weep openly. I won't judge you.

Justin.tv: Screw you, anything I was doing today

2009-03-05T16:41:00.007-05:00

I have found a new internet refuge, and it is justin.tv. Head there. I don't think it'll give you a virus -- don't even try to quote me on that -- but I don't even care. It could give your computer chlamydia for all I know, but it's worth it.

Welcome to your salvation, major networks.

That's right, Big 3. It's time to accept a simple truth: Nobody likes to watch broadcast TV anymore. It's the end of scheduled creative broadcasting: 24/7 news networks are pure profit. At some point, we have to ask ourselves why: Is there something that important about the news that makes people tune in? No. It's the twenty-four hour, fuck-your-faceness of the Constant News Networks. You don't have to schedule a thing on those channels, because news is never not happening -- it's disturbing, however, that the minutia of everyday life is starting to fill in the hours when really, there isn't that much news. At least, not in this country. (And you thought we gave a shit about -- where? The Sudan? It could be underwater for all you know.) Mildly talented housepets and insane conspiracy theories dot the spaces between actual countrywide events. It's like someone put YouTube on a 'Random' loop.

Which segues nicely into my next major point: For TV to remain relevant, it's time to really turn to the internet.

Justin.tv is the alpha prototype of something just that clever. On the site, users broadcast whatever they want -- over 60 channels worth of material, broadcast 24/7, anywhere. It's a media addict's wet dream, especially if you have a particular primetime fetish. Want to watch Nicktoons? Ever? There's a channel for that. A magical dimension with constant Star Trek: The Next Generation and Twilight Zone marathons, any day of the year? You live there.

Granted, not everything is offered -- but that's where a little trust comes in. NBC and Fox put theirs in Hulu, which has turned out fantastically for both of them. What's CBS doing, exactly? ABC? (Probably drinking Mai Tais. They're owned by Disney.) A conglomeration of networks needs to snatch up this idea -- take Justin.tv, run polls, and find the top 25 or so shows to run in twenty-four hour marathons. Take a commercial break every five minutes -- cut them to 30-45 seconds, too. Let the sponsors name their price-per-viewer, and see what happens.

The use of new technology to prop up the old seems awfully ignorant to the truly forward thinking, I suppose; however the idea of new new media is one that needs a bridge. Every innovation has its bridge. On Demand entertainment is a hell of a thing, but you know what I'm not into? Making stupid decisions. I don't want to specify which episode of MacGyver to watch, I just want some household-product-rescue(-mullet) badassedness. Throw one of those things up at random. Is he using a paperclip this time? He just might.

Justin.tv gives the channel surfers that still exist a very powerful tool: Something is always on. It's heaven. You can jump in on any of these shows, but the promise is that you don't have to wade through even subber-par programming just to find that slightly shiny piece of crap. Someone has a sifter, and it's all shiny crap. 5 channels of oldschool 80's action movies? It's either that, or 24 hours of Seinfeld. Which one am I more likely to watch while tolerating Charmin commercials?

Maybe someday we'll be able to make TV decisions like OnDemand wants us to. Right now, the bandwidth growth of the internet allows for a constant stream of hundreds of show-specific television channels. And with over-the-air broadcast dying, an ad-based model will have to attract flies not just with honey, but honey-coated goldleaf diamonds. With chocolate in the middle. Chocolate filled with rainbows. 365 straight days of Scooby Doo will probably work.

For now, the site is wasted on the pirates, but with just small commercial injections, a semi-decent business model could spring forth. Until then, we have a free source of constant, less-than-complete-shit programming that plays with no commercials. Get into it now before it's bought up -- or shut down.

(And if it becomes trendy, tell them I told you about it way before it was cool.)

"You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business, that's why they call them 'business socks!'"...

2009-03-05T10:30:00.002-05:00

No, the title has nothing to do with the actual post, I just happen to be listening to Flight of the Conchords. If you've never exposed yourself (woowoo!) to FotC, go to youtube. Watch the videos for "Business Time" and "She's so Boom." I'll wait here until you come back.

::Plays a rousing game of solitare::

Now that we've gotten that out of our systems, on to the actual post!

I'm going to Memphis, baby!

It's been over a year since I've taken a road trip. GASP! CHOKE! STAGGER! If there's one thing I love to do, it's travel, particularly in my car, with people crammed in to keep me company. Road tripping in a Versa isn't the most comfortable mode of transportation, but it's guaranteed to produce at least three hilarious, albeit incriminating, photos, and a good deal of blogging material.

SO! From Saturday, March 14th, through Thursday, March 19th, I'll be hitting the highway with my favorite bandguys, Trey and Negley, and we're heading down to Memphis for BBQ, Blues, BB King, and Beale Street.

Most importantly Beale Street, because let's face it, we'll be there through St. Patrick's day. Do NOT look for a post on Tuesday the 17th, because I doubt there will be coherent speech, much less coherent typing skills. There will be attempts to report from the road and from the land of the Delta Blues, but if I slack, you'll just have to forgive me.

We are not computer geniuses, part 2

2009-03-04T23:30:00.003-05:00

K-- there appear to be issues with the blogger posting software when people are overzealous about it. Which we all are. So we'll see how that resolves in the future.

Anyone know anything about this disappearing-blog joint?

Even at "prime time" there's still nothing on...

2009-03-04T11:26:00.004-05:00

I could complain about Jimmy, but at this point, I think we can all agree that opinion #3 becomes a superfluous Fallon-Flogging, and I really have no interest in late shows anymore. I used to watch Jay (or rather, Jay's chin) and occasionally Conan would provide me some amusement, but I didn't like Jimmy Fallon on SNL, I'm certainly going to loathe him on late night television.

That being said, prime time television blows. During football season, I have a reason to turn on my television on Monday nights, and sometimes on Thursdays. I briefly entertained the idea of getting into Lost, and promptly wanted to rip my eyes from my skull after five minutes, going "WTF?" Lost leaves me just that, lost, and it's probably my own fault, since the only channel I watch on a regular basis is

This past Monday, I was channel surfing, because I was tired of hearing about the two football players lost off the coast of Florida (those guys are shark food) and March Madness really hasn't hit me yet.

I will, however, take this moment to shamelessly plug the lady Terps,

who are gonna take the NCAA Championship AGAIN!

That being said, there was NOTHING ON TELEVISION. Nada, zip, zero, zilch worth watching, and somehow (because God is occasionally cruel) I found myself watching the last episode of The Bachelor.

I hate reality television, but more than reality television, I hate reality dating shows, and the Bachelor/Bachelorette is at the top of my loathe-list. Reality TV isn't even reality anymore; in the first 15 minutes of any given show, I can tell you what's going to happen for the rest of the season. Seriously, it's a gift, and it occasionally scares people, my reality ESP. When I tuned in to the last episode of this horrifically bad show (right up there with Survivor) the Bitch, I mean, Bachelor, a single dad named Jason, was down to two women: the perky, bubbly, sweet faced brunette whom everyone loves, and the sexy, sultry, fun-loving blond, whom everyone wants to bend over a bar stool. Not saying the brunette wasn't sexy, because she was, but the blond had that je ne sais quoi, that indefinable something that says "I like it in the rear." The brunette was girl-next-door sweet, and while you can do all kinds of nasty things to the girl next door, she'll make you cookies afterward.

My immediate reaction to this scenario was thus: He's gonna pick the brunette, because she'll be better with his son, but he's gonna regret it, and shit's gonna hit the fan.

Sure enough, he ditches the sultry blond, who was devastated, and proposes to the brunette, who jumped in the pool with him and his son while wearing an unflattering evening gown. Five minutes after this episode ended, the "After the Final Rose" episode came on (I'm not kiddding, that's what they call this crap) and sure enough, he decided that "things had changed" with his brunette fiancee, and he thought he'd made a mistake, and he rips her heart out on t.v., albeit without a live studio audience, because ABC has a heart (or so they'd like us to think.) He then tells the blond, whom he had previously rejected, that she was the one for him.

And the dumb blond takes him back.

It figures. I assume you have to be a few brain cells short of a functioning tard to go on shows like this looking for a husband, but to be rejected for another woman on television, and then told "oops, looks like I was wrong," and fall for it, wow. Just...wow.

I hate television. If it weren't for ESPN and my DVD player, I wouldn't own one.

Fallon: Day 2- The Face

2009-03-04T07:58:00.003-05:00

Last night, I went against my better judgment and turned on Jimmy Fallon. What I got was as expected, and less.

I came on at the end of the Tiny Fey interview, and I don't know what led to this, but they were talking about still shots of Jimmy Fallon doing Update portion of SNL.

I repeat... The Host... was talking to the guest... about HIMSELF!!! WHAT THE DOUBLE F!?!

Now granted, he's new to the whole interview thing but I'm pretty sure that talking to Tina Fey, one of the best writers/actors/creators in the biz right now, about your lame-ass self is not what Johnny, Jay, Conan, Letterman, or even Carson Daly would say constitutes a great interview on your second episode ever. "Hey, you're totally kicking ass in the entertainment world! Let's look at pictures of me from years ago when people actually knew who I was!" Douche.

After that, was Jon Bon Jovi and he was forced to listen to one of the worst Karaoke singers butcher "Dead of Alive." I felt his pain and it's a good thing they kept the camera on that poor woman, who was probably pulled off the street at gunpoint to attend Jimmy Fallon's show and then the producers held her mother hostage until she sang on-air. After that, I zoned out with the stupid chair skit and I found The Rocketeer on OnDemand so I wouldn't have to subject myself to the "musical guest." But all said and done, I discovered 2 things.

1) I really don't like Jimmy Fallon. I never have. He had a few funny moments on SNL's Weekend Update, but that can't go to his acting... That goes to the writers. I think a giant-sized Mr. Potato Head would have been a better choice than Fallon.

2) Jimmy Fallon had this "deer-in-headlights" look all night. It was the look of someone who knows they're bombing because they have absolutely no idea what they're doing. In the Jon Bon Jovi interview, he was basically sucking him off... It was a verbal BJ because there were zero questions. Jimmy Fallon basically sat there and said "I love you Bon Jovi" over and over again. I noticed the same look and tension when Drew Carey took over The Price Is Right... Them's some big shoes to fill, and if you don't do your shit right, a great show is gonna go down the crapper.

I dunno, I guess I still have the taste of Conan fresh in my mouth (eww) and I'm angry that my work schedule will not allow me to watch Conan's new time slot. The bottom line is that when I'm up late at night with a feeding baby, I wish I had a late night show worth watching. NBC has taken that right away from me. And for that, I will punish them by watching more Chuck than ever before so they have to spend their money on a good show! TAKE THAT PEACOCK!!

Post-Fallon: Sleepin' on it

2009-03-03T02:18:00.004-05:00

Okay. Fallon was Okay. That's how I'd describe the premiere, but I'm taking the next few hours to sleep off this giganzor headache and think about just exactly what Jimmy Fallon could do to make his show great.

Another post that gets saved for tomorrow is on Carson Daly. I took three seconds after Fallon to watch the intro to his show -- mostly to wash the taste of mediocre Monologue out of my mouth with horrific monologue. But to my unexpected pleasure, Daly didn't do one. In fact, he didn't do a late-night-talk-show format at all. Instead he returned to his roots: Music promoter extraordinaire. I may have never said this before, and I'm not entirely sure I'll say it again, but this new Last Call On Location version of Carson's show might actually be worth watching. I guess that's what you get when they don't give you the real timeslot: Carte Blanche to go nuts in the wee hours of the morning.

Now for sleep and brain-decompression.

Pre-Fallon: Awaiting the Chaos

2009-03-02T23:09:00.003-05:00

House Band? The Roots. First guests? Justin Timberlake -- and DeNiro. Audience? Roped in by the internet: And interactive via Skype.

Jimmy Fallon gets to show us what he's got tonight.

I've been agonizing over this for a week or so. The post-Ferrell, post-Fey years of SNL brought the show to a new height of amateur foolishness. Fallon, leading the charge of fourth-wall breakers, giggled and snorted his way through forgetting lines, squinting at cue cards and purposely bombing in order to get postmodern "Look how funny I know we are" chuckles. He is, without a doubt, the last NBC-ite I thought would be tapped for the job of Conan replacement, but somehow he wiggled his way in there -- or maybe he was the only one willing. Conan is 6'4", and those are some big-ass shoes.

But Fallon's getting my attention -- if for one hour only -- because I understand where he's coming from. I aspire to be writing for someone like that someday, and so the pitfalls and dumbass decisions that make up network TV tend to put these innocents -- these Not Ready for Prime Time Players, if you will -- into an absurdly bright limelight. And for some, it's always where they've wanted to be, regardless of whether or not they should.

Jimmy Fallon is one of those pathetic dreamer people out there. He definitely has the drive, and I respect that -- he's someone who probably would never have gotten his chance if it weren't for the virtue of some real specific timing. Conan is leaving. Jay is getting to bed a little bit earlier. Carson Daly is still the biggest douche alive (sorry, Carson). There was a big hole to fill in the NBC night lineup, and to fill a hole that size, you need a pretty specific kind of tool.

Jimmy Fallon just might be that tool.

Reporting after the show.

p0pcult technical difficulties -- we are not exactly computer geniuses, per se

2009-03-02T12:27:00.002-05:00

Okay, so there appears to be/have been some sort of problem with the blog. We are working/We have worked to resolve this problem. Hopefully, it will be fixed as soon as possible/did not piss you off too much. (Pick your tense.)

Also, Snow day!

Will post much later today.

EDIT: Tech problems appear to be resolved-ish. We'll see how that works out.

Side Post: Announcement

2009-02-28T16:08:00.004-05:00

My son, the Alpha of Generation Awesome, has been born!

I'm not gonna go into detail and I'm not going to post a picture of him on a public internet site because I'm not dumb, but I'll give a few details.

He was born at 6:14 PM on February 25, 2009 in Baltimore City. He was 6 lbs 7.6 ounces and 20 inches of pure AWESOMENESS. He and his Mommy are doing great and I'm sitting on cloud nine.

So instead of post his real pic online, I'll give you an idea of what he looks like: He looks like Yoda...

What I imagine his trip down the birth canal looked like
Minus the long pointy ears and the green hue, and..

He's a pusher.
Sugar Bear.

So, needless to say all is well in the world. And on that note, I leave you with this...

This is what he did to the doctor after he smacked his ass.
Leave some love and prepare for GENERATION AWESOME!!

CNN says this is hot...wonder if Paris agrees?

2009-02-27T17:41:00.002-05:00

Current Hot Topics, according to CNN, for your reading pleasure...

IRAQ:

Democrats voice concerns on Obama's Iraq drawdown plan

Really? I mean, really? We're concerned? NO! You don't say! Shocking!

FACEBOOK:

Facebook invites users to help set policy

Now this I think is interesting. Because nothing says "we have no idea what we're doing" like asking the masses for their input on policy. Common sense is an uncommon thing, folks. This bodes not well for anyone.

VATICAN:

Vatican: Holocaust denier's apology not enough

You mean the former Nazi-youth Pope isn't happy about an apology from a priest, for something the Catholic church itself had issues accepting sixty years ago? Hmmmmm...no one ever said that religion was lacking in hypocrisy.

Side note: That priest should be publicly spanked. And not in the nice way.

BLACK IN AMERICA:

For some reason, this link wouldn't work.

If you truly feel the need, insert a racial slur here. Go ahead, I'll wait...

::waits, and glares, daring you to do it::

CNN HEROES:

Evidently, you can nomitate your hero on CNN. This girl's nomination? The Radio Shack guys, of course.

PLANET IN PERIL:

Again, a link that doesn't want to work. I'm seeing a trend, here, CNN, and I don't appreciate it.

But really, is anyone surprised that link didn't work? I mean really?

$5 says it eventually takes you to an article that mentions Al Gore at least twice.

FIRST 100 DAYS:

The Trial of The Pirate Bay: Get with the TIMES, Grandpa

2009-02-27T12:10:00.007-05:00

Welcome to the year 2009.

In the year 2009, we enjoy many modern conveniences. Invisible radiation cooks our food at five times the normal speed. Our television, once static-covered and hard to read, is clear and of very high definition. "Iced Cream" can be purchased from mobile vendors, often the same truck which brings you your weekly stash of illegal drugs. It is truly a space-aged future we live in. But some advances come at the cost of hundreds of human lives and livelihoods. Among the most terrible of these advances? MUSIC PIRACY!!

(...Dun dun duuuun.)

Somewhere in Sweden, as I type this, several funny-talking, blond 20-somethings are (hopefully) drinking and celebrating. They have, over the course of 9 days, soundly and authoritatively whipped a conglomeration of local prosecution lawyers and employees of an industry so foul that the people who call themselves Pirates are the clear favorite.

That's a dangling part of speech up there -- won't bore you with which one -- but I do want to clarify I in no way blame the Swedish government. Throughout the first decade of the 2000's our country's legal system was gorged with record-industry psychos attempting to extract cash from confused grandmothers. Every country has their breaking point. Sweden's is the descent of the entire world's recording industry. Ours happened to be the ill-informed and probably bribe-driven statements of the members of Metallica. We all have our standards.

Day after day, the really-not-very-old men of The Pirate Bay do the work of modern Robin Hoods. The Bay, if you've been, really is a very simple community (at least on the surface) of filesharers. These people, too cheap to buy the $5 DVD from the bin at Wal-Mart, will spend the time and effort to help anyone they come across achieve their goal, and that's become more valuable on the internet than money. Thus, despite a legal minefield and an almost entirely infiltration-prone technology, people flock to The Pirate Bay for the latest and greatest flying through the Tubes.

As the IFPI, the RIAA and Sweden itself battle, we look to the outcome to present the future of the internet: Will this small, admittedly unfamiliar country set the standard for a free and open 'net? Or are we going back to the AOL days of pay-by-the-hour preselected "Info" crap?

More on this with further trial news in Part 2.

Remember the kid with the Walkman?

2009-02-26T10:32:00.004-05:00

I remember waking up Christmas morning when I was, I think, 7 years old, and under the Christmas tree was an enormous box, with my name on it. What could Santa possible think to get me that would go in such a big box?

So began the big box with the smaller box inside, with the smaller box inside, with the smaller box inside (we weren't too concerned with global warming at this point in my parents' house.) Eight boxes later, was a little package that fit, approximately, in my hand. With great reverence, I opened my first Walkman, and screamed loud enough to shatter crystal (or so my mother swears.)

I took that Walkman everywhere I could, even places it wasn't allowed (like school.) I listened to Pat Benatar and The Beach Boys and Jimmy Buffet, and anything else my parents bought for me, because at 7, I had pretty poor taste in music ("Oh mom, can't I please have the New Kids on the Block tape?!?" Thank God for my mother's better judgment.)

I remember going with my parents to Radio Shack to get new headphones when I broke the ones that came standard with my Walkman. I insisted on Radio Shack, because of the commercial with the little kid who buys his Walkman in Radio Shack, then sees the ad for another store with the same Walkman, only cheaper. And the clerk in the store looks at the little boy with this absolutely grim face, then turns to the register, pulls out some money, and hands it to the kid, with a smile. And the kid says, “cool!” and walks out.

Because of this commercial, I still make most of my electronic purchases at Radio Shack (with the great exception of computers, because they’re really not a computer retailer, and they don’t really claim to be.) I may be the only person I know who still goes to Radio Shack rather than, say, the Sprint store.

I have great issues with my phone company’s stores. Now, I love Sprint. I wouldn’t dream of leaving them for Verizon, because, whenever I have ANY issues with my billing, regardless of whose at fault (and let’s be honest, it’s usually my bad) they always take the charges off my account. I have a retardedly high spending limit with Sprint, because I’ve been with them since I got my first cell phone (years after everyone else, because I am horrendously technology resistant.)

While I love Sprint, I loathe the Sprint store. Their customer service has never been anything more than mediocre, and their sales staff is pretentious as Hell. If the particular phone I want isn’t in stock, they’ll tell me to order it online. If the air card I need that day isn’t there, they’ll say the same. Not so with my friends at Radio Shack.

I go to Radio Shack because, whatever I want, if it’s not in the store, they find it for me. The guys at the store on Route 40 won’t hesitate to drive to Ellicott City, Reisterstown, even Owings Mills, just to get me a charger for my cell phone.

And what saddens me is that no one appreciates the guys at Radio Shack. It’s that dinky little electronics store that was useful in the 90’s, but that has since outlived its efficacy. And it’s crap.

So to Greg, Steve, Leon, Diondre, and all my friends at the Radio Shack on Route 40, this Bud’s for you!

EDIT:

So it took all of three seconds on ye olde innernets to find out that the commercial I was referencing was not for Radio Shack at all.

It's a Circuit City commercial.

Guess that price match policy really worked in their favor.

Except not.

Fail.

Trip to DC?

2009-02-25T14:54:00.003-05:00

Apparently this thing is now on display in the National Gallery of Art in DC. I want to go and watch it for hours. Anyone want to go with me?

It's a forty thousand LED tunnel, hooked up to some computer-based randomness, that just flashes the lights in different random configurations. The artist claims that no pattern will be visible twice.

Here's a video, just to further hook you:

Villareal "Multiverse" National Gallery of Art, Washington DC from Walter Patrick Smith on Vimeo.

It's only like an hour long drive, minus the whole parking issue. So who's with me?

Skimming Craigslist

2009-02-25T02:17:00.004-05:00

W4M:

"Let's do some living after we die. -24-" -- Probable serial killer/goth chick. Up to you which is worse.

"FireFighter Chick Seeking Flame -23-" -- She can kick your ass (unless you can basket-carry an NFL linebacker.)

"Brains and Beauty Looking 4 u -23-" -- Clearly she's lying about the brains. I'm guessing she's not exactly a 10.

"Everything happens for a reason! -24-" -- Explain the Holocaust. And D.L. Hughley's show on CNN.

M4W:

"I want a kind loving woman who is a bit of a freak. -25-" -- Has very desperate mother issues.

"I hate animals and I'm not a fan of Jesus either. -24-" -- Would probably pair best with goth girl/Lizzy Borden up top, if it weren't for her 16 cats.

"I'm looking for someone totally unique. -25-" -- Has seen 2 girls 1 cup. Three times.

"Babies r cool because they're conscious but not self conscious " -- "Dude. I am totally fucked up. Let's post on Craigslist."

"Female college student wanted -35-" Too classy for a prostitute, waaaay too ugly to get laid.

T4MW:

"Anyone want to play tonight? -31-" -- ...NO.

Side Post/Blog Custody

2009-02-25T00:41:00.007-05:00

It appears we'll have slightly more custody of the blog this evening to pass around, since Gus Shakey is HAVING A CHILD as I type this. (Generation AWESOME officially begins!)

Interesting ratings pull from last night: both Chuck (6.5 million viewers) and Heroes (6.9 million) were last in their timeslots in competition with the major networks. This appears to echo a trend across the board for virtually every TV program, except possibly American Idol -- although the high turnover in that TV audience has to screw with the ratings. On an average Idol night, 25 million might tune in, but how many of them are being lost before the first half hour -- and how many tune in after that point? (And how many are functionally mentally disabled?)

My point is that people seem to be ignoring scheduled TV more and more this year. Perhaps the change in the country's climate -- from "Too safe to yell, too angry to stay quiet" to "Too poor to shut up, too hopeful to get angry" -- has put people's perspectives in order. Who gives a shit about LOST when you have to get up for a crappy second job at 4:30 in the morning?

Realistically, though, the sheer amount of Piracy when it comes to TV probably makes Malasia look like a Disney World attraction.

The sad irony of piracy is that it encourages the destruction of the material which it seeks to loot. Without it we might not have amazing shows still available to us -- Arrested Development, Battlestar, Family Guy; all were kept in tupperware Internet containers while the owners piss-fought over whether or not these shows were worth the trouble. In the end, however, some were worthy and some weren't; piracy statistics unfortunately deflate studio executive erections like Bird Shot at the Macy's parade. Loving a show isn't enough -- we must pay for our time with it in commercials.

Maybe they're using the wrong Chuck.

Oh well. Support Chuck and Heroes by hitting them up on Hulu. In fact, watch everything on Hulu. We're hitting the Iron/Bronze age of the internet, and if we don't support the shit that works, they'll be charging us for Youtube and billing us for "Chatting minutes." And when the internet reverts back to the old Prodigy and Compuserve days, I'm done -- bow and arrow, loincloth, and a treehouse for me. I can do without Wifi.

Workin' 9 to 5

2009-02-24T10:50:00.005-05:00

It's been said that Disney and Hollywood have given women (and some kindhearted and romantical men) and unrealistic standard of love and happiness. Which I wholeheartedly agree with, but that's been covered. I need to cover a much worse crime facing all ages and both sexes...

Hollywood gives us an unrealistic standard of what jobs and careers are suppose to be like.

I was honestly told this is what it's like in the career
field of graphic design... you vomit your own money
Think about it. Any number of movies in our lifetime have been about the coolest ways to make money whether it's getting into the cool place to work, suddenly finding yourself in need of money and conning your way in, or having that job and everyone looking up to you more than the asshole boss. No matter which way you cut it, movie jobs rule. Real world jobs... suck ass. Of course, the whole idea behind a great movie/book/blog is that it suppose to show you one great moment in the life of a person, so I can understand that perhaps these jobs don't really rule, they just rule rule for 2 hours... But I can also tell the difference between real life and fantasy... now. But for years, I couldn't and I'm still fighting my way back to reality for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

In middle school, there was a movie that made me want to get a job so much, I couldn't stand the thought of wasting anymore time now working. The people were cool, the manager was a total bad ass, the customers were in and out without any problems, you could steal the entire night's deposit to go blow on gambling (with the best intentions), when a celebrity comes in you can trash him, chase down a shoplifter, and at the end of the day... dance on the roof after a killer party. I'm speaking, of course, about Empire Records.

It's a good thing Liv Tyler is holding them back
'cause they'll fuck you up with their early-90s
indifference to society and the "Man"
That record store was awesome! You committed a federal offense and ruined a completely perfect plan to buyout the store from corporate takeover? You get to sit on a couch all day! You shoplift from the store, carted off by the police and return later to commit a federal offense? (...I'm seeing a trend now) You get a job! You're totally in love with some girl, and you're a talented artist who's heading off to college? Even though she threw herself at a total douche, everything turns out fine!!! Why wouldn't you want to work there? Why can't every job be like that!?!

Because pesky rules and laws and a little thing called "responsibility" get the way. That and prostitution is illegal.

I worked at a toy store on and off for 9 years and it was honestly the closest thing I had to Empire Records (the store. The closest thing I had to the movie for a long time was the soundtrack... which makes me feel dirty to admit) as a job. We made that place awesome. We did what we had to do (not that much) and then did nothing (well). However none of that stuff above rarely worked out. We had a guy steal money for gambling (not with best intentions) and he did get to sit on a couch all day... He got fired. And that kinda screwed over the other people in the store. Most shoplifters got away... but we didn't care. And at the end of the day, we just left because parties at the store would have sucked hard. My high school and college job was probably better than most. Cashier at Walmart or flippin' burgers at MickeyD's are not even remotely close to Empire Records.

But now, I have a real job... a career... So now Hollywood won't lie to me about that, right!?! I can do this career for now, then the big boss discovers me and I become the head huncho, right? Or I win the lottery? Or I live happily ever after? Or, best of all, like Office Space... I just get to up and leave one day and all is well.

"THANK YOU SIR!! I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS
OPPORTUNITY!! I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!!!"
Office Space. What a movie. You hate your career, something snaps in your brain and you just stop caring about all the shit they try to push on you. That movie is what a career is like. The annoying coworkers, the endless days, the same thing over and over and over and over (and over even!) and finally, you make one little mistake, you hear about it endlessly until someone else screws up. TPS report covers are a placeholder for just about anything in any job. The moment the movie takes a turn for the worse is when he just comes in, does whatever he wants, then stops coming, then get promoted. Oh, and that whole Superman 3 idea... Stupid Superman 3. You wouldn't get promoted, you'd get fired. And then no pretty girlfriend and a smile on your face... There would be no unemployment check and a lot of drinking. But the construction ending would probably be true too.

Here's the thing people: Work sucks. If work was fun, eventually fun gets old. Even professional athletes get tired of playing fun games day after day. We just need to get through the work/career age and survive so we can get back to the real fun that we had in our youth: Pooping our pants and making someone else clean it up.

The whole purpose of this article was to use the sentence "Pooping our pants and making someone else clean it up."

Stuff About Yesterday: February 23rd, 2009

2009-02-24T00:17:00.019-05:00

Good Morning, Afternoon, or in Australia, Saturday! Miss what was going on yesterday? Probably. (You really need to stop drinking, man. We're worried about you.) Here's the necessary minutia that'll keep you trendy at the Starbucks counter. You tool.

-- News broke yesterday that Socks the Cat, former Clinton household pet, was put to sleep on Friday. No word on if there will be a tiny, quadraped-only processional to the Capital building. I'm not sure if they make an American Flag small enough to be folded over the top of a shoebox.

"No, Chelsea! He went to a farm, where he can run and play. Just like Vince Foster."

-- The Dow has dropped below 7,200. Continue monitoring the space above your head. In case of a further drop in the DJIA, a small emergency respiration device will drop from the ceiling. BE SURE to fit your mask properly before assisting any politicians, Wall Street investment bankers, or talk radio hosts in adjusting theirs. In fact, don't help them. And then kneecap them with a tire iron.

-- The Navy of Norway has announced that they will attempt to find the plane of lost explorer Roald Amundsen using a state-of-the-art unmanned submarine. Presumably the sonar will be seeking out the shape of his fucking majestic moustache.

-- If I could pick one awesome ass place to work, it would be McMurdo Station at the South Pole. This is the kind of place the phrase "stir crazy" was invented to describe, as evidenced by the recent firing of an employee for his slightly unprofessional Jell-O Wrestling Party. I guess when you live in the dark for six months with the same two hundred people, all bets are off. And pants.

-- I've said it all along: Facebook is eating the brains of our children. (Join our facebook group, on the sidebar to the right!)

-- A previously unreleased version of The Beatles' 'Revolution 1' has been found and trickled its way online. It appears to A) Bridge the gap between the original version and the crazy-assed 'Revolution 9,' and B) Prove that you could probably have crushed up John Lennon, snorted him, and stayed high until the day you were dead.

-- The movie industry lawyer attempting to prosecute The Pirate Bay decided to pull a Hook-and-Parrot herself, asking her friend and Swedish author to implore other authors for their help against copyright infringement -- using Facebook. Unfortunately, that author turned out to be a pretty avid pirate. For those of you interested in digital copyright issues, the Pirate Bay trial has been gold. If they had any sense, the Pirates would film the prosecution, speed it up, and add the Benny Hill music. Youtube Gyllene, guys.

-- Netflix will be offering a straight-to-your-computer streaming only plan by 2010. By 2012, they'll be able to deliver movies STRAIGHT INTO YOUR VEINS.

-- Adam Carolla has started his own Podcast, evidently upset about being left out of 2007. I respect comedy, and I respect broadcast, so if you can listen to Adam Carolla for more than ten seconds without shoving sharpened pencils into your ears, support the man.

-- Former Postmaster General John E. Potter is being investigated by Congress. Why, you ask? Possibly the $800,000 compensation package last year. Turns out somebody noticed the day he wore that gold-plated suit to work.

Stopped by neither rain, nor snow, nor mouthy-ass bee-yatch.

That's all for this edition, folks! Tune in next time. I'll probably be even more delirious on even more cough syrup!

It makes me want to tear my eyes out...and I think I might like it...

2009-02-23T16:36:00.002-05:00

It figures it's by Louis XIV, because all things French a) surrender and b) are lame. However, I have an addiction to this song.

Unfortunately, I can't find the studio version on Youtube (read: I'm too lazy to keep looking) so here's a live version, not so bad, all things considered:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGBrxhmH1os

And here's my dilemma...(that word never looks like it's spelled correctly)

I LOVE this song, but at the same time, I HATE THIS SONG.

It's one of those catchy little beats that sticks in your head and loops itself over and over again like a Mobius strip. And while I enjoy the music (and by enjoy I mean it stays with me until I want to pummel some unsuspecting unfortunate stranger to said beat) the lyrics get on my nerves. All these types of women that this guy evidently wants to "shake up," and I could shake the shit out of him for singing such absolute blather.

The part of this song that strangely thrills me is when this girl in this pleading voice sings "wind me up and make me crawl to you, tie me up and make me call for you."

In some strange, borderline S&M way, that's just hawt.

And because of that titillating piece of lyricism, I love that song.

BUT I HATE IT.

Damn it.

Side Post: Addendum to C.C.'s CNN post...

2009-02-23T13:15:00.004-05:00

I'd love to know how they come up with these statistics, because in my humble (and broke-ass) opinion, 100% of the nation is scared shitless. I have yet to meet a single person on the street, in Walmart (where just about everyone is now forced to shop), or at the gas station who doesn't have the look of a shell-shock victim.

Speaking of Walmart...

I was in Walmart over the weekend (cringe) picking up catfood. Now, I try to plan my Walmart excursions as late in the evening as possible (and since I go to the 24 hour Walmart in the ghetto, it's usually 1 in the morning when the cat won't stop effing crying for food, even though he has half a bowl left, what can I say, my cat starts to panic if there isn't 10 lbs in reserve.) So I get to said ghettomart, and it's a mob scene. Even during the holiday rush, when I had to go get catfood (I shop online for gifts because I hate crowds) Walmart wasn't this crowded (most likely because this holiday season was one of the lowest grossing seasons in history.) And just like during regular business hours, there were only 4 out of 38 registers open for check out. What pisses me off is that there were at least 15 (yes, I counted!) associates wandering through the aisles, pretending to be restocking shelves, and instead talking about Rihanna's beat down or playing Nerf football.

Seriously, Nerf football back in the toy section, it was hilarious to watch. One of the associates, we'll call him Brad, would make a great inside linebacker should B-more lose Ray Lewis in negotiation, and it certainly looks like we will.

Now, keep in mind, in these troubled times, stocks are plummeting faster than Paris Hilton's panties, but Walmart is actually up this month. The stock price for my bank is less than $3/share, but Walmart is holding strong right around $50.

AND THEY STILL ONLY OPEN FOUR REGISTERS!

If you're the major retail store that 90% of country is frequenting because they can no longer afford pricier options, open some damn registers to accomodate the traffic. Standing in the 10 items or less line for an HOUR simply prompts me to carry a paintball gun, Denny Crane style, and open fire to release my tension.

Come to think of it...

Thanks for the heads up, CNN

2009-02-23T12:25:00.008-05:00

CNN.com is reporting that 73% of the nation is afraid of how badly things are going in this country. This apparently is coming straight from their most in-touch crack reporters, who have been stuck in a hotel room in 2003 for the last several years.

Do we really need them to tell us we're scared? And angry? I looked in the mirror earlier and nearly shat myself. Just the look on my face from having to wake up in the morning is terrifying, and that's only because I'd had the news turned on.

If CNN were a relative, it would be that Aunt who does nothing but collects ceramic piano ornaments and lets the family know which obscure cousin died most recently. I don't need to hear that we're all scared and sad and poor, CNN; I can just go to Wal-Mart.

Just try not loving this

2009-02-23T01:40:00.005-05:00

If you don't think this video is awesome, I don't think you have a soul.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Incidentally, I dance just about as well.

Yes, it was sponsored by Stride gum, but if I'm allowed to go all over the world to look like a moron on somebody else's dime, I don't care who sponsors me. (With notable exceptions -- I'm looking at you, Cyber-Hitler from Wolfenstein 3D.)

The Oscars: Confusing the anger center of your brain for 81 years

2009-02-22T22:52:00.012-05:00

I am not a fan of the Oscars.

I respect what it is to make movies. I adore it. It's arousing to me in ways that aren't entirely kosher, so to speak, but I recognize one thing about it: Movies are, by and large, horseshit.

I'm watching the "Best Song" Oscar being pre-empted by an overly dramatic musical presentation; someone, somewhere, has changed the channel because they printed that envelope, and they don't care. I do like the song from Wall-E, but Slumdog has two out of the three nominations here. Seems pretty wrapped up to me.

In fact the whole thing seems wrapped up: The inevitability of the winner's column betrays the controversy that seems to have jammed itself into a largely irrelevant show. Will Heath win the Oscar? Of course he f*cking did.

Dear God. The entire "Best Song" performance was one long mash-up of the three nominated songs. This is promotional gold. It's probably giving Don King a hard-on.

But here's the deal: That's not to say I'm not proud of the dude who won (Incidentally, that would be Allah Rakha Rahman, the John Williams of Bollywood). Clearly he is a simple man who has worked very hard to get where he is. He's probably some sort of superhero in India now, and I expect him to actually jump in front of the Bollywood camera soon. Which is why Bollywood still sucks. Seriously, though, his song was pretty good.

The thing this man, and really every one of the winners, has succeeded in doing is beating out pretension itself. Clawing through and climbing over every last pile of crap keeping you from that stage has to be exhausting, almost a torturous obstacle course. It's like punishing yourself for choosing a job most people consider to be make-believe. The individual, then, is the most real moment of the entire show -- every other second is just self-important masturbation, but for the time that the winners are onstage, the point of the whole thing shines through.

As someone who creates -- Acts, writes, directs, films, edits, records, etcetera -- you are clearly looking for one thing: Recognition. With a creative tilt the impulse is to share (hence this blog), but often it's a difficult road to get from idea to success. More often than not, the road ends, and failure sets in. And nine times out of ten, nobody notices either way. But when you've succeeded, and you believe in your work, and then a thousand people you think are more talented than you are congratulate you on being so awesome...

What a day at the office, right?

So yes, it's all crap. I'm not a fan of the Oscars, mostly because I'm not there. But we all do something we feel is important. Most of us do it privately. Most of us work hard in silence, or hope in secret. Recognition comes from a population much smaller than the Oscar audience, but the feeling is the same: Job Well Done. Even if the only people who care are the ones doing the same job.

Really, we could all use an awards show.

Side Post: Generation AWESOME

2009-02-22T12:08:00.003-05:00

Gus Shakey is expecting his son to come on out any time now, and so I thought (before the big event) I might throw this hat in the ring:

This little badass is going to be Member #1 of Generation AWESOME. (Capitalized.)

No more with this "Let's use a letter" crap. And since the current one is somewhere around Z-ish -- if they could stop texting and choose a damn designation -- they're going to start using numbers soon, or god forbid, the Greek Alphabet. (Do you really want you child to be in Generation Beta?)

We will have to make them tiny Generation AWESOME T-shirts, too.

More on this later.

The Whys and Hows of Psych: Love the Pineapple.

2009-02-22T01:06:00.008-05:00

Pop culture indulgences every thirty seconds: Check. As many 80's and 90's movie references as can be jammed into 44 minutes: Check. Countless iconic television and movie actors: Check.

So why, exactly, aren't you watching Psych?

Okay, yes, the show gets consistently high ratings -- During its original 2006 premiere and later, during the USA Network's idea of a season in 2008 (6 episodes, then more followed later in the year), the show had an average of about 6.1 million viewers. And all this from a Friday show -- Psych, like Monk before, has had no trouble crafting its brand as a staple on the basic cable network.

Consistently, though, when attempting to find someone -- anyone -- who has watched this show, I come up completely alone. James Roday and Dule Hill -- genius actor/writers in their own right -- steal the entire thing from moment one to moment end. I won't bore you with the details, but here's the overview:

Hyper-observational, son-of-a-supercop Shawn Spencer uses his trained powers of observation to solve crimes. To do so and still continue to slack off as much as humanly possible, he tells everyone he's psychic. And it works.

Three seasons in, the show has featured such former heavy hitters as Corbin Bernsen, Justine Bateman, Rachel Leigh Cook, Don S. Davis (god rest his fat, bald b-rated TV soul), George Takei, The amazing Richard Kind, Tim Curry, Gina fucking Gershon, Lou Diamond Phillips -- Yes,Stand and Deliver Lou Diamond Phillips, Kevin Sorbo, and most recently, Cybill Shepherd and Ally Sheedy. That's leaving out a few.

That list reads like a who's-who of who-should-be-retired-by-now. And here's what's interesting: I think most of them are retired. Bernsen, playing Shawn's father and original mentor, plays onscreen like the crew won't get off of his damn lawn. Shepherd makes her occasional appearance as Shawn's semi-estranged mother. Even she plays it like she has something better to do with every moment she's on screen, but a fierce connection to Roday's character tells you they picked the right one for the job.

Dule Hill, Shawn's best friend and (more often than not) abuse lackey, takes to a role like a Weeble -- he just can't be knocked down. Hill's improvisational skills, along with Roday's and half of the rest of the cast, are off the charts. I get the sense each episode is about two pages long, reviewed the night before shooting, and mostly forgotten by the time the cameras are rolling.

And the show is better for it -- Roday and the rest of the writing crew is a virtual Pop-Crap Library of Alexandria, calling up references so obscure you'd probably need a Bachelor's degree in 20th century entertainment just to understand them all. The show itself, from the Creator-and-head-writer-written theme song to the extreme hijinks in post-show outtakes, knows exactly what it is. This thing is made by Pop culture whores, for Pop culture whores, andabout Pop culture whores.

Our generation is practically aching for a show that will speak to us like this one can, and yet nobody my age seems to even know what it is. I love it. Every Friday I wait for the show, and I'm consistently surprised with how well written it is. The few times the show actually tries to serious the whole experience up, Roday and Hill are there to remind us that the point is levity. Spencer the character, of course, can operate in no other way; the show, too, has no option but to just take it easy.

Urban Man Children: Just like us.

NOW that I've rambled on for about a billion hours on why this show is genius, get your ass over to Hulu and watch it. There are five or six episodes up, none of which require any sort of back story, other than this: The main character is any one of us between the ages of twenty-two and thirty, provided you have at least the cast of The Breakfast Club memorized. The rest is moot. By the time the show is over, you'll be hooked.

It should be legal to carry napalm...

2009-02-22T00:44:00.004-05:00

Let me preface by saying I love cover bands. Some of my best friends do covers, and they tend to do them rather well. They write their own material, and it's pretty good, but until the get discovered (every local band's dream) they'll gladly, sometimes shamelessly, cover popular songs. And I'm ok with this.

HOWEVER...

Elementary school art teachers should NOT, I repeat, NOT cover the Beatles.

Let me explain.

First and foremost, I think there is no greater sacrilege than covering the Beatles. The fab four are some of the most influential musicians of all time, and their songs, in my opinion, are sacred. Some of the best cover bands I know won't touch the Beatles, or the Stones for that matter, because of their respect for great bands. So imagine my complete disgust, my utter disdain, my abject HORROR when I was in a local pub tonight, just trying to get my drink on, and these two women (I swear to GOD, the blond was my art teacher in high school!!!) start playing. Now, they're covering music I generally deem appropriate for female cover bands: Pat Benetar, Lisa Loeb, and other vagina-saturated music. Then, out of no where, they break into the Beatles "I am the Walrus," the B-side hit from "Hello, Goodbye."

I almost fell off my chair in my haste to flee the building, lest I throw my still-full glass at the stage.

Now, I'm not sexist; I think women can totally rock traditionally men's songs. My best friend does a wicked Frank Sinatra, and her rendition of Metallica's cover of "Whiskey in the Jar" will rock your socks off. Seriously, it's frightening, but she's damn scary-good at pretending to be James Hetfield.

But these women, these UNTALENTED WOMEN, were not just bastardizing Eddie Vedder (which I can allow, because I have very little respect and admiration for Pearl Jam) or Dave Matthew's Band (which EVERYONE covers) but they did "Walrus," they did Men at Work's classic "Down Under," and I was honestly tempted to set fires.

SET FIRES!!!

There is no respect for good music anymore. Maybe I should start a cover band, and sing only the songs that SHOULD be covered, instead of the one's that demand the kind of respect that keeps people from covering them poorly.

Or maybe I'll invest in homemade napalm instead.

Either way...

WTF? Television Double Takes

2009-02-21T20:44:00.011-05:00

As I *am* a geek.. I notice geeky things.

Here is a Geekdom I have. I watch *alot* of television. As such, I tend to pick up on things other people wouldn't, or just don't care about. Today I was off, so I decided to run through my backlog of unwatched TV via the lovely and wonderful www.hulu.com. So first I watch Chuck. About 30 odd minutes in I bounce around like a giddy school girl because Chuck (seen below in the top image) is strapped into a chair with some very recognizable display devices behind him. Having just finished watching nearly 4 seasons of Battlestar Galactica (mentioned previously) I immediately recognized those display towers from the Galactica CIC (shown in the bottom image). So I say hmm, Galactica has been wrapped and set struck for 6ish months now, and both shows are NBC so it makes sense that the set piece would be reused... BUT THEN! I watch Terminator, and lo and behold.. in the recap from a previous episode, what's that behind John Henry's head (Seen in the middle picture)?? The Galactica CIC Display Towers! I've circled the different bits in different colors (in case you couldn't recognize it on your own : P )

Click on the image to see it nice a big. This is just some of the joyous samplings of Geek you'll get from Vince Posts. ^.^

Stuff about... Yesterday! February 21st, 2009

2009-02-21T11:44:00.006-05:00

Well, I worked last night, and then I got home only to pass out immediately. Fair warning: There's a pretty decent chance it'll happen again. Don't hurt me.

Here's some stuff about yesterday!

-- Apparently everyone and their mother believe that Heath's winning of the Oscar is inevitable, including his crazy-assed family. That link is to an LA times gossip junkie bitching that his three-year-old daughter won't be getting the statue. Problems with this:

1. She's three. The Oscar almost definitely weighs more than her, in addition to probably being 2/3rds of her height, so she's probably going to think it's a lawn ornament for a few more years at least.

2. If she does manage to figure out what it is, then by the time she's six or so she'll be using it as a dress-up doll. And then when she is finally into her older years, she won't respect the gravitas of winning one of those things, and we'll have another shitty child-of-a-star actress doing low-rent movies or bad sitcoms.

EDIT: This actually was an article from the 19th, and was ABOUT something that happened on the 18th. However, since a good deal of it happened in Australia, for all we know it could have been the 12th of March.

-- I'm not including a link for this one -- evidently Martha Stewart is going to make next Monday's show "all about the world of Pot," which means there'll be about 19 minutes of extremely dated innuendo and non-chiba references to cooking utensils. The last three will be filled by her special guest, Jimmy Fallon, who will (as always) be 100% unfunny.

-- Madea Goes to Jail came out yesterday.

I'm sorry, world. Nobody can stop him.

-- I'm facepalming on ABC news. Anyone here heard of Mountain Dew Mouth? They're doing a report on how the 'Dew rots the hell out of teeth in high schoolers -- specifically the ones in Kentucky. Okay. Do I really have to point out that Mountain Dew is the last thing wrong with the teeth in Kentucky?

-- Barry Bonds caught a break, apparently because his old drug tests are inadmissible as evidence. In his drug-crime/perjury trial. Way to beat the system again, Barry. Good thing I started hating baseball when I was twelve. Baseball is to sports as Monopoly is to board games. Seems like a good idea at first but six hours later SHIT when will this ever END?

Okay, there was a lot of sarcasm on this one because I'm angry about going to work. Let me make it up to you:

Imagine their kids. Go ahead. Do it.

Yes. The puppy and the dolphin are friends. Careful, your eyes will start vomiting starlight and rainbows after looking at it for too long.

Okay! Tune in sometime later for more stuff. We'll all be around.

I'm on a Boat!

2009-02-21T11:40:00.016-05:00

Firstly, I've had that Lonely Island song stuck in my head for two days. If you don't know what I'm talking about, BLAMO:

(hopefully that worked.)

Now, all this boating in my head makes me think of ships. And when I think of ships, I think of sci-fi.. because I'm a geek.

(note here: My grammar is horrible, as is sometimes my spelling. Mostly because my thoughts come too fast for my fingers to accurately translate into proper written English, so shut up about it and keep reading.)

So, obviously, when thinking about boatshipscifi.. I think about Battlestar Galactica. Now, I know the entire world, like me, is on the edge of their seat salivating in anticipation of each weeks episode leading up to the climax of this epic and awe inspiring program. But I thought I'd talk about just how epic and awe inspiring it actually is.

I am *not* a reviewer, I can't organize my thoughts in my head well enough to make any kind of point (that I don't later go and completely counter ) so I won't *try* to review BSG.. I simply want to talk about it.

Last night was episode 4.16 or 4.19 technically (since Razor counts as eps 1 and 2 of season 4) which either way you slice it means we have 4 episodes left until probably the best sci-fi epic since Babylon 5 comes to it's close. In honor of any show reaching it's end, I go back and marathon through the entire series.. BSG was no exception. And I must say, everyone *EVERYONE* should watch this show. Battlestar succeeds everywhere Star Trek for the last 10 years has failed, it succeeds where any Star Wars since 1983 has failed. And, well, obviously, (don't you love commas?) it succeeds where it's 1978 predecessor failed miserably.

It tells a story, that frankly, could be told at any time and place. It just happens to be set in space, which is the best kind of sci-fi. Stories that don't bog themselves down in telling a straight science fiction yarn. They simply tell human drama, against a backdrop of stars. That was J. Michael Stracyznski's notion with Babylon 5, and that has been Ron D. Moore and David Eick's notion for the past 6 years with Battlestar Galactica. Yes, it has spaceships, and jump drives, and robots, and zany sci-fi stables, but it never bogged itself down with "plasma chambers, phase conducting inducers, and reversed quantum flow polarities" or as we have lovingly come to know it, "Treknobabble" Arguably the downfall of Star Trek proper. And by not focusing on the hows and whys of sci-fi, they told a story about people. People in a desperate situation defying the odds to survive. In any other genre, I dare say this particular story would be just as good. But it's not any genre, it's sci-fi, and we love it.

The show also made the right move in deciding to end. Yes, 4 seasons is rather short lived, especially given that most sci-fi is more likely to run 7-10 years by today's standards. But despite the overwhelming support for the show, the ratings have never been "Super Stellar". (One could argue that this is due to new media viewing habits as *all* ratings have declined, yet we know people still watch TV ) And it would only be a matter of time before Sci-Fi Channel pulled the plug (hell, they killed Farscape for reasons of ratings, and it was getting approximately the same numbers that BSG has been pulling it. Though the last season has seen BSG's numbers spike nicely). Because Sci-Fi are dicks like that. Anyway, deciding to end the show on their terms gave the writers the opportunity to tell the story how they wanted and not have to suddenly scramble to resolve plot (i.e. SG-1, Atlantis, Space: Above and Beyond, Farscape, Firefly(through Serenity), and even Babylon 5 (season 4)). This is good, because most (decent) sci-fi has some pretty hefty plot to work through, and when we the viewer don't get that satisfying resolution, we tend to go a little mad.. and it also serves to give the show a new sense of purpose. "This is it, we're getting to the end, so let's make it awesome" is the mindset these people get into.

Lost, another gold mine of awesome, has pulled a similar trick (Which Charlie commented on the other day) and the show has never been better. I can absolutely say the same for BSG. I have bled from my eyes every friday night for the last 5 weeks; despite being disgusting, it is also awesome.

I love science fiction. I really do.. I live for the thought that maybe someday in my lifespan we'll be up there.. if only in our solar system, at least up there. The universe is far to vast a space for us to spend our hundred sitting on it shuffling around in monotony. So to be able to escape into a good space tale about living among the stars and struggling to further humanity, it's bliss for me. And that's what this show has been, bliss. It's not an ideal future, it's no Roddenbury. These people are flawed as hell, but that's perfect, because so are we.

It's been one hell of a ride, and while my babbling may not have had any real point.. I guess the point is this. You owe it to yourselves to watch this show. It reaches people on so many different levels that it would be impossible not to enjoy. So go, iTunes it, Hulu it, DVD it, or *ahem* other means of viewing. But do yourself a solid.. watch Battlestar Galactica.

I'm on a motherf*ckin boat.

Happy Birthday Chuck Palahniuk

2009-02-21T11:20:00.002-05:00

If you don't know who Chuck Palahniuk is, get up, get to a book store immediately and tell the 40-something woman behind the counter you need a Chuck Palahniuk book right now or the world will end... If your name is Jack Bauer, they will definitely believe you and then come home and read the entire book in one sitting. Go on, git! Oh, and make sure you say "Chuck Palahniuk." I once went into a book store and ask where their Palahniuk books were, and the cashier typed into the computer then said "No, we don't have any Paula Nick books. Sorry."

Okay, now that you're back we may proceed.

I, like the majority of people in this world saw Fight Club the movie before reading the book. Hell, I like the majority of those people I didn't even know that the movie was a book in the first place. During the opening credits I am usually so full of equal parts excitement, WTF-ness and awe to even bother reading (If I wanted to read, I would have picked up the book) let alone recognize an author's name or even remember it by the time the first scene is over!

I was "first" introduced to Chuck Palahniuk when a coworker suggested one his books. This coworker is a very good friend of mine to this day, and if ever I need an honest-to-Flying Spaghetti Monster opinion on anything movie- or literature-related, I go to him. He has read more books than anyone else I know, and his DVD collection rivals my own. Whatever I don't have he does, and vice-versa. And the best part of his reviews/opinions is he tells a story so well, it's almost a disappointment when you read/see the book/movie because he's so intense about his hatred/love of the content.

Unlike me and the millions of others who did not have the knowledge of Fight Club being a book before the movie, this man did... and he had read it when it came out nonetheless! He even suggested it to a teacher who attempted to read it and had to stop because of it was, well... Fight Club. So he needed more. And he got more. And then he spoke the gospel of Chuck Palahniuk.

I'm not going to sit here and debate which is better between the movie and the book because they both have fine points that would go in their favor, but what I am going to do is celebrate a great author on his birthday. Because, dammit, he deserves it.

My first book by Mr. Palahniuk was Choke. As my friend handed me the book, he said one word: Enjoy. Now that I was armed with the knowledge of "this is the same guy who gave us Fight Club!!!!" and an extremely positive and in-depth review from my friend, I set about enjoying a new book. Remember when I told you to go get any one of his books and read it all in one sitting? I speak from experience that it is incredibly difficult NOT to do that. I was hooked from the start of the first chapter until the VERY LAST WORD of the book.

I both cared for and was disgusted by Victor, but in the end, I was proud for his progression to who he became... Granted still a flawed human being, but still, he was like a friend I could never turn my back on. I felt like his journey was my own. I felt like I could possibly go to expensive restaurants and pull his little scheme too. I even found myself collecting stones for weeks afterward.

Next was Survivor, then Lullaby (by far my favorite), then Diary, and so on. I love each and every one. I recommend them all. You should buy one of his books, then let your friend barrow it. Then keep it going. Even if you don't like reading, I'm fairly certain you'll enjoy a Palahniuk book.

In closing, the best example of the intensity that a Chuck Palahniuk book can cause you is in one of the "short stories" in Haunted. Find that book and read "Guts." I first read i when it was published in the March 2004 Playboy and I have never felt so many different emotions and an actual physical reaction to the written word. I honestly almost threw up and felt a great deal of pain from Palahniuk's absolutely incredible narrative.

And you'll never want to swim again.

Side Post: Ode de Pen

2009-02-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

In my opinion, permanent markers/pens do not fit into the definition of "Pop Culture." However, anyone who has been watching this new season of [scrubs] may have noticed that many of the new interns usually are sporting a black clicky Sharpie marker. I'll go on about [scrubs] season 8 in a later post, because I love that show again and it needs special attention. For now, I need to shout this to the world:

I effing LOVE Clicky Sharpie pens. I can't get enough of them. I think that man has reached the peak of writing utensils with the design of Clicky Sharpie Pens.

It's perfectly weight-distributed, it's convenient, and they're fun to play with. I don't generally like clicky-top pens, but I have a boner for Clicky Sharpie pens.

Clicky. Sharpie. Pens.

Generation XY or Why I Can't Quit Smoking

2009-02-20T16:31:00.002-05:00

I hate being 25. Not because there's something wrong with the age 25, because the age itself is pretty sweet. Mid 20's, still young, starting to plan serious life goals but not expected to meet any specific expectations just yet. It's good, all things considered.

What I hate is belonging to my nongeneration, and it truly is a nongeneration. I'm not old enough to be GenerationX, and I'm not young enough to be Generation Y. So I guess I'm Generation XY, because there are cultural traits I can identify with from both groups. Sometimes this is a good thing; it affords me a slightly more diverse world view. Sometimes it sucks, like when I'm trying to quit smoking. Here's why:

For GenerationXers, smoking was still cool. While not as fashionable as it was in the 60's and 70's, smokers in the 80's were still widely accepted, despite rising cases of lung cancer. Many GenXers who still smoke do so even though they know better, because that's how they were raised, and they really have no desire to change. They may entertain ideas of quitting, but no one really rides them too hard if they don't, because they grew up thinking smoking was acceptable and cool. Hell, when I was born, my mom smoked in the hospital waiting for her OB/GYN to come deliver me! You could smoke in grocery stores, in department stores, on planes and trains and in the bus stations.

The polar opposite to GenX's view on smoking is GenerationY, the kids approximately 5 years younger than myself. These kids were raised and indoctrinated to the EVILS of smoking. It was WRONG it was GROSS it made you SICK it was DIRTY, blah blah blah. So GenY doesn't have the excess of smokers that GenX does, because they know better, and they were raised with that anti-smoking mindset.

Then there's kids like me, in that not-X-not-Y classification, for whom smoking was kinda cool for a little while, and now is just looked upon with complete disdain. We should know better, but we were raised with it in our faces, so where do our loyalties lay? Are we with the smokers, or against them? People my age who smoke catch hell from all sides for smoking, yet we still have that desire to infuse our bodies with delicious, delicious nicotine.

Remember candy cigarettes? I'm one of the last age groups that had candy cigarettes. Kids today will never know the joy of candy cigarettes and pretending to be "just like mom and dad." When we were kids, it was acceptable, when we became adults and could legally pursue the pleasure, it became a stigma.

And I hate it.

I want to quit, truly I do, but I reall don't. I have no desire to quit smoking; I like smoking. And yet, I feel as though I have to quit, because if I don't, I'll have to hear about it for the rest of my life.

And I'm narcissistic enough to believe that I'm the only one with the right to bitch.

Side Post: John Locke

2009-02-20T15:08:00.002-05:00

Terry O'Quinn, who plays Locke on LOST, lives in Hunt Valley. Apparently my roommate once stood in line with him at the Starbucks. Would you not shit your pants? I'm guessing most people would go for the autograph, but I'd turn and book the hell out of there. No crazy physics-defying island life for me, thank you.

Diddy and Biggie had it right...It IS all about the Benjamins.

2009-02-20T14:50:00.002-05:00

I have ridiculously eclectic taste in music, much to the detriment of my coworkers. In any given day, my musical taste will range from Chopin to Deathcab to Gregorian monks to DJ Sparky. I like it all, and then some. Now, my personal music collection, while decently sized, does not come close to containing all the genres of music I like. To get my fix of the obscure (and obnoxious) music that I don't own, I turn to internet radio, particularly accuradio.com, because I can sift through their stations and create my own subchannels to suit my diverse tastes.

Were it not for internet radio, there are several artists I would not have discovered, and several CDs I would not have otherwise purchased.

However, my listening pleasure is about to be severely disrupted, and I'm more than a little pissed about it. When Metallica sued Napster, it was obnoxious, but I could understand their point. Album sales dropped drastically when music became downloadable on ye olde innernets. So making people pay per song makes sense to me, since music is a product, after all, and people gots to get paid.

Traditional radio stations (the kind you get on a standard AM/FM radio, not that satellite shit) do NOT pay royalties to artists, because radio play is free promotion for artists. Having your song played on the radio means you're reaching a wider audience and, chances are, some one will not only like what they hear, they'll be prompted to go buy your CD. Sounds resonable to me.

Internet radio, one would think, serves the same purpose, but record execs don't see it that way. Even though it's pretty difficult to pirate songs from radio streams, execs are convinced that internet radio is another form of copyright infringement, and they're making the internet radio sites pay. The Copyright Royalty Board passed legislation in May of 2007, charging internet radio stations for each song played. Now, the fee is only $.0000008 per play, which seems ridiculously small, but consider how many people listen to internet radio, at any given moment, and for how long, the duration of so many songs, it's easy to see how this number grows and grows and grows.

There was talk of legislation to nullify the May 2007 decision, H.R.2060, because it's truly unfair to punish internet radio simply because they can track their listeners and traditional radio can't. However, this legislation has sat at a stand still since July of 2008, and appears to be going no where.

I was STILL ok with this, because accuradio seems to be doing ok, despite the fact that almost 30% of their advertising income (their ONLY income) goes to the recording academy.

Then I watched the Grammy's, and listened to Neil Portnow pontificate on stronger legislation for recording artists' rights concerning internet airplay, and I wanted to set fire to the closest FYE. How dare he! The only reason I've bought half the CDs I currently own is because I discovered them on internet radio sites, and he wants to shut down that method of musical discovery?

That's it. I'm going back to thieving music online instead of buying it at the ipod store. I'm not buying anymore CDs, I'm going to burn copies from my friends instead. What's next, royalties for ADD radio mentioning celebrities?

Srsly!

Good Mo...Afternoon, internet

2009-02-20T12:43:00.004-05:00

Sleep schedules being as lopsided as they are for me -- I also eat breakfast during Oprah and dinner during Conan occasionally -- I'm hoping the morning posts will start to be more consistent. Don't quote me on this. Nighttime is my forte, though, so Stuff About Today will hopefully continue as often as I can make my brain funny.

Something I need to get off my chest. Me and Vince have been wide-eyed six year olds about it for about two days now, but really if you're not watching LOST, you don't love America.

If Time Travel were a drug I'd grind it up, cook it on a spoon and pour it directly into my ear. (Assuming that's how you get messed up on it.) LOST is like my pusher, only they enjoy doing it. They know it's wrong to screw around with our lives like this -- with our minds -- but LOST just gives us more, jamming it past our eyeballs every week.

I've heard about six thousand people complain about the fact that the show occasionally doesn't look like it knows where it's going. Problem solved, people. Those string-us-along episodes in the last few seasons are TV protocol: When it looks as if a TV show might last forever, be sure it will. When the producers announced their six-seasons-and-we're-done plan it gave them something to work toward, and then the writer's strike really gave them something to work against, a real challenge. From this point they have maybe a season and a half left to tell what was originally going to be a two-season span.

Thank god something lit a fire under their asses, though, because LOST has not suffered for it. Every second is like brain-mushing gold. Even if I don't understand it all it makes me want to go back to the pilot and search, really search, for things I'd missed. When the show looked like it might last forever, the first season started to drift away and become -- well, lost. Now that the end is (relatively) near, the writers can actually tell a story wherein the beginning matters up to the last second.

Ratings wise it'll always have Idol to compete with, and it's been slipping, but it's still consistently attracting about ten million viewers. In the days of three CSIs, two shows featuring Howie Mandel, and Dollhouse, that's actually not such a bad figure.

I'm just here for the titties and beer...

2009-02-20T12:05:00.002-05:00

I will preface this first post by saying that I hate pop culture. Truly, there is nothing I disdain more than my generation and the trends we have adopted. The fascination with the famous and their escapades both saddens and disturbs me. And what I can’t understand is why. Not why it disturbs me, I understand my own contempt for my peers, but why we choose to live our lives by the current standard of reality television and E! news. When did it become acceptable to be a whore at 12? Why are 10 year old boys in the mall cat calling me and asking if I need a pimp? What the Hell has happened to the youth of America?

And who is to blame?

There’s a fantastic writer by the name of Chuck Klosterman, who wrote a fantastic book titled Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. Go now, buy a copy, and read it. I’ll wait here for your return…

::makes a sandwich::

Now that you have read the book, you’ll understand why blame must be assigned in this particular instance, because to do nothing would negate the purpose of this blog/rant/dissertation on societal downfall.

I blame Disney. Here’s why:

When I was a child, I used to watch the Disney channel, and it was great. After school there were great cartoons, like Tailspin, Duck Tales, and my personal favorite, Darkwing Duck. In the evening, after dinner was consumed and homework was completed, we watched Road to Avonlea, which we really weren’t interested in AT ALL, but since Disney offered a channel with no commercial interruptions, it was deemed appropriate for “family time,” a concept my mother loved and the rest of us loathed. So far, Disney seems pretty harmless (if you ignore the eventual love/hate relationship with Canada spawned during “family time” in my house.) And for the most part, Disney programming in the late eighties/early nineties, was pretty tame. There were, however, two shows which would ultimately lead to the whorification of America: Kids Incorporated, and The New Mickey Mouse Club.

Now, these two shows weren’t geared toward kids, they were marketed for the preteen audience that wasn’t quite ready for Melrose Place, but was a little too mature for Adventures of The Gummi Bears. And this wasn’t a bad idea, kids have to watch something, because T.V. is the best baby sitter, even for kids too old for babysitters. And even the premise behind the shows wasn’t bad, a group of friends in a sitcomesque setting who occasionally lapse into song and dance, usually bad covers of current pop songs and a few hair band power ballads (always my favorite part.) The problem, however, is two-fold.

Problem 1) This show didn’t hit just it’s target audience, it hit everyone who plugged their spongified brains into the Disney Channel on a daily basis, including much younger kids who didn’t understand some of the show’s content. They saw these older kids (and all children love to emulate their elders, especially those within a few years of their own age) going through typical preteen-angsty issues, and thought they were the height of cool. So of course they picked up the slang and trends of older kids, when it really wasn’t appropriate. Suddenly 9 year olds are concerned over their “relationships,” and play ground fights aren’t about who got the unbroken swing, but about who kissed whom behind the jungle gym.

Problem 2) The stars of these shows had NO IDEA how to handle their instant fame and fortune. Much like professional athletes, here we have a group of young people suddenly handed vast amounts of money and thousands of adoring fans, and they had no idea how to respond. When they were still very young, they were controlled by their parents, agents, and the Disney Corporation’s squeaky-clean image. But as they grew up, and reached a sense of autonomy and post-pubescent enlightenment, they went wild. Hand a young child a soft drink supercharged with sugar and caffeine, and they’ll down the whole thing in one gulp and proceed to bounce of walls and get a stomachache. Hand 16 year old girl a half million a year to sing and dance on T.V., and watch her blow it on cars, clothes, eventually drugs and alcohol, and watch her go broke faster than M.C. Hammer. And while these teenybopper icons were having their meltdowns, their adoring fans were watching in awe, and continued to aspire to be just like them!

Thank you, Disney Channel, for Stacy Ferguson, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and my personal favorite, Lindsey Lohan. I feel almost sorry for Lindsey, who’s at any given time gay, straight, drunk, sober, crazy, sane, anorexic, bulimic, healthy, unhealthy, a man, a woman, a donkey, a banana, you get the general idea. No one knows what’s going on with that kid, because she has no idea what’s going on either.

And therein lies a large problem with our society and it’s addiction to pop culture icons; we’re following in the footsteps of the rich and unstable. When I was a kid (mind you, not that long ago) I was more concerned with the stability of my tree fort than which mascara complimented my tube top and mini skirt. I wasn’t asking my mother about the pill when I turned 12, and boys still had cooties when I was 8. The boys I grew up with weren’t concerned about ballin’ and playin’, unless you were talking about a game of football in someone’s back yard. And I feel sorry for kids today, who will never know the simple joy of running through the backyard on a summer night catching fireflies. They’ll be too busy texting their friends about the latest hook up, loitering the malls, the cat calling girls like me, not old enough to be their mothers, but old enough to think, “damn, where are their parents?”

This is how I know I’m too old for my generation. And this is why I hate pop culture.

Stuff About Today

2009-02-19T23:15:00.001-05:00

Today, February 19th 2009. A day that will... well, most likely not live in Infamy. But important stuff did happen today, so here it is for your learning pleasure:

-- North Dakota has given full legal rights to fertilized eggs. This is in direct competition with Roe V. Wade, and challenges every abortion in the state of North Dakota. Next for ND? Dogs get free speech, and provided they are at least 3 months old, goldfish can now rent automobiles.

-- Members of the bands Hanson, Cheap Trick, Fountains of Wayne and (here's the kicker) Smashing Pumpkins have formed a band known as Tinted Windows. Presumably, this is what you'll want if you're playing the CD in your car, because showing your face in public really isn't an option there.

-- Author Terry Pratchet has been knighted by the Queen. This is kind of the equivalent of putting Monty Python animations in the Louvre, but I like where this is going.

-- Gus Shakey from the last few posts is going to be a Dad. Okay, so that's not today news -- actually a couple of months old -- but give him a massive 'congrats' if you read one of his posts. It COULD be any day now.

-- The makers of Gatorade have indirectly confirmed that their product nurses hangovers. In other news, the sky is blue. Seriously, has anyone in the press never blacked out and found themselves naked outside of Radio City Music Hall? Or on their grandparents' lawn? This isn't a miracle. You should see how well Aspirin works.

-- Apparently Pepsi is piloting sodas made with real, pure, honest-to-god sugar in the late spring. Jewish lovers of the 'Dew have experienced this every year for passover -- look for the yellow caps during the season, people. They taste delicious AND they won't make you grow an extra kidney on the side of your face. (I would post a link, but apparently it's been killed by the internets.)

-- Someone crazy from Florida is claiming that the falling economy is also causing fewer Shark Attacks. Of course this news is from Florida.

-- I guess I could comment on the whole New York Post/Chimp comic, but you know what? If you didn't expect that kind of horrible shit from the New York Post, you haven't been paying very much attention. To anything. Other than that, it's not that funny a story.

-- Finally, the Dow is below 7500: Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

That's it for Stuff About Today. Plans are to turn this into a video podcast, because I'm pretty funny looking. Also, I have a nice hat.

EDIT: Gus Shakey has uploaded a new logo. We'll probably rotate them for quite a while, as we have at least two different graphic artists contributing here. For now, here's our site: It's scaffolding, but it's built.

"Above" Post: Because I'm Different

2009-02-19T23:14:00.003-05:00

This is Vince.

I have done the blog/article thing before.. but often get distracted then stop.

I live with Charlie.

He has a bat.

I will post here frequently I imagine.

Side Post: New Dad

2009-02-19T22:50:00.002-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that the only way that becoming a new dad could possibly be cooler is if my son is born and he immediately hands me an iPhone and a lightsaber.

DVD Review: The Genius That Was (and Still is) Family Guy: Blue Harvest

2009-02-19T22:32:00.009-05:00

EDIT FOR GOOGLE SEARCHERS: A lot of you are coming from Google looking for the answer to a very burning question (you might want to get that checked out, actually): What is The Most Unattractive Male Name in the English Language? So you don't have to look any further, here's your answer:

Gold. Hey, feel like sticking around? Check out the rest of the site here at p0pcult.

Now back to our regularly scheduled Blogging.

If you were to make a pie graph of all the bloggers in America, a small sliver of this absolutely tasty mathematical representation have never seen Star Wars.

"I stole this off of a window like in the old Tom & Jerry cartoons"

Seriously, at what point hasn't a blog had even a loose reference to the Holy Trilogy? An observation about a bit of casting in a new movie: "I have a bad feeling about this..." or comparing any number of political figures to the Evil Galactic Empire or even the millions of fanboys bleeding their love for slave costume-clad Leias. It's out there, and love them or hate them (re-releases and all) every fan of the series has wanted to create Star Wars in their own image.

But working part-time at the Game Stop and paying your mom rent and half the total for this month's groceries doesn't allow for the expendable cash to make your dream reality. It's sad, but we've all had to face this truth.

Enter Seth McFarlane.

"Artist's Rendering"

The man, the myth. The heart, soul, cock and balls behind Family Guy. A show that's been killed and resurrected more times than Caprica 6... A show that quickly found that PC barrier we all hate and smashed it like the Berlin Wall. A show that speaks to and for it's loyal viewers. And that is what I'm getting to. What better show to take the King of Trilogies and make it it's own?

This movie (let's admit it... it was a movie, more so than the Stewie Griffin 3 episode arc) had everything that a Star Wars and Family Guy fan could want! It had the sillyness of Family Guy, the appeal of Star Wars and the testicles to poke fun at everything. The Family Guy fan will enjoy the pot jokes, the outside-the-box references, and, for my money, the best Meg insult to date. The Star Wars fan will enjoy the incredible visuals (or recreations, masterfully done) and awe of the original movie and the one scene that defines every Star Wars fan: The TIE Fighter attack where Peter starts singing the John Williams score. We've all done it, admit it. If you love both, the beautifully intertwining of the styles, stories and characters makes you appreciate each separate entity on an entirely new level. And if you don't like either... you should not be reading this blog site... Go away.

There are 2 aspects of this movie that I believe make Family Guy Blue Harvest stand out as a truly genius piece of art, and they are none too subtle.

1) The entire running gag with the couch. Everyone in this world has either attempted to move a couch through a door that is way too small for it fit through without some sort of quantum physics (or just unscrew the legs) or seen someone attempt said action in person. If they would have ended the joke after they try to load the couch into the Millennium Falcon while still doing the "turn it this way, turn it that way" bit and being fired at by the ever-expert shooting of movie bad guys, I would have felt a little letdown. But they took it the next level with the escape from the Death Star flying shot. For anyone who has had the misfortune of helping someone move a piece of furniture in a vehicle that was too small or ill-equipped for such an act, ie college, they appreciate the swing shot of Peter still on the outside of the Millennium Falcon, holding the couch in place and saying in a half irritated, half scared shitless tone "Easy!" Classic "funny because it's true" moment. And like any good comedy, the comedic red herring makes a comeback in the most unusual and non-foreshadowed scene possible... The couch becomes the new seats in the cockpit of Peter and Brian's space ship. Classic and brilliant.

2) The writers of this parody realized that every Star Wars fan both loves and loathes these movies. Even the Sacred 3... not as much as the prequels, but they hate these movies. They nitpick everything. They know the movies so well, they find the faults that scream at them every time they watch it. It's like that stain commercial (...you know, that one) and it's so obvious and annoying to them, the average person thinks this little Jedi fiend is batshit crazy because they're convinced that the mouse droid sounds completely different in the re-released version than the 1977 original. But the writers KNEW this and they went with it. They had George Lucas' blessing and free run of all things Star Wars, so they just took off and did what the Hell they wanted. "A long time ago, but somehow in the future..." Awesome! "My God! You shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!" So true! "Great kid! Don't get penis-y!" Pure comic genius... Dick and fart joke comedy, but genius nonetheless!

So all said and done, the "episode" was fantastic, and the special features are gold mines too. I'd recommend the commentary for Star Wars geek-out sessions. And I don't f around when it comes to DVDs, so the special edition came with a shirt, 3D glasses for the TIE Fighter scene and trading cards in the style of the old 1977 Star Wars Topps cards. Non essential, but fun to have.

Overall rating: 8 out of 10

ADD Radio On-The-Air

2009-02-19T22:26:00.002-05:00

ADD Radio on shoutcast.com: If you search it, we'll probably come up. Broadcasting nonsense from now until 11:30/Midnightish EST.

Side post: Taken

2009-02-19T14:03:00.004-05:00

I didn't say anything about it in the last post, but after a few minutes of considering I changed my mind:

Taken will rock your nuts off.

Seriously. Even if you don't have nuts. It's what we all wanted Bourne 2 and 3 to be. Liam Neeson plays a badass ex-spy, who has lots of badass ex-spy friends and does lots of awesome badass things like work as a bodyguard part-time. And then his daughter gets kidnapped -- and if you had any reservations about Neeson in this role, they vanish during that scene. He tells the kidnappers he's going to kill them, and you get the sense he is telling the effing truth.

Which he is, since he proceeds to kill more people than you've met in the last decade or so.

The movie excels where so many others have failed in the last year or two: Bourne was quick and fun, but a little hackneyed and known for inducing motion sickness. Even Bond couldn't find his own plot in Quantum of Solace, instead cobbling together a loose "look how green and modern we are" environment with a "look how much like Ian Fleming we are" situation. It was an imitation, albeit a decent one. High quality SPAM cinema.

But Taken succeeds in spades. To minimize spoiling things I won't say much more about it, except that it grabs you by the Jonesboys from the second the action starts and doesn't let go until it's good and ready. Originally a foreign release, it appears Neeson -- a dude less than six months younger than my Dad -- has collected US profits topping 80 million in just about two and a half weeks. Way to go, Qui-Gonn.

Dollhouse: Clawing your eyes out actually ISN'T that painful

2009-02-19T13:19:00.005-05:00

Dear Joss Whedon: We get it. You like girls.

You had a hit with Buffy -- unexpected, wasn't it? I'm sure it had nothing to do with the reaction of Sarah Michelle Gellar's boobs to cartwheels and ninja fighting. From the ashes of the (much, much worse) movie version came a 7 season teen-pleaser, replete with monsters, makeup, martial arts and sex. Throw in a quippy line every thirteen seconds or so, bake at 450 degrees for forty-four and a half minutes: That sonofabitch was golden.

Then it was time for Angel, attempting to lure the equal-but-opposite crowd of disinterested teen girls with David Boreanaz's brooding. He made everything brood. He could make his ankles look pensive if he had to. But there weren't as many girl-based opportunities, so you jammed them in when you could -- Femme-fatale here, demon lady there. Good on you for getting five seasons through, but every time we turned a corner there was another evil chick waiting to rip somebody's penis off. I know not ALL of the villains are female, but couple that with the number of possibly-gay vampires you threw into the situation and you have some sort of bizarre "pride" parade.

Let's leave Firefly out of this except for one word: River. Okay, one more: Zoe. (This show could be my thesis already, but do you kick sick puppies for fun?)

Then along comes Dollhouse.

There's really not a whole lot to say about Dollhouse just yet -- I fought my way to the end of episode one without killing myself, and that's a compliment for a Friday premiere on the Fox network. Aside from not attempting suicide, though, I found myself virtually 100% unentertained. Eliza Dushku is one of the hottest living things on two legs and I still couldn't get into it. Like a mix of "Taken" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," Dollhouse tells the story of Echo, a woman who's had her brain completely wiped in favor of designer memories: Billionaires pay her company (captors? Deceivers? Pimps?) for a custom woman, willing and able to do anything for a weekend. In the meantime, "Echo" lives in a house full of ridiculously hot super-bimbos while the staff constantly use "blank slate" metaphors to talk over her head. How clever! Erasing a person's memory and using a blackboard metaphor!

In the meantime, she gets some thinky-juice jammed into her brain with some flashing lights and becomes a different person every episode. The formula looks like it'll be having her solve injustices in the 36-hour-or-so window she has before she gets her memory wiped. Like Quantum Leap, except without the heart or originality.

My point is not to trash Joss here. I went to two (yes, two) of the Serenity workprint showings, traveling a combined total of somewhere around 450 miles to do so. But I'm over this. Firefly was a genius idea, a nugget of gold amongst low-rent UPN Sci-fi pop crap. This is just a rehash with a sub-par actress and an easy gimmick. Apparently next week she's an unparalleled outdoors(wo)man. Week after that she's a backup singer/bodyguard. I hate to say it, but I will anyway: Joss has finally OD'd on the vag with this one.

To wrap things up, apparently the rest of the nation agrees: On the Friday before Valentine's day, not even single, desperately lonely geeks saved this thing. Dollhouse was beaten out in the ratings by not only JLoveH's hilariously unfortunate "Ghost Whisperer," but also "Wife Swap," CBS man-bait "Flashpoint" and, horrifyingly, "Supernanny." It barely beat out "Howie Do It" and "Terminator." Trying to find the bright side of that, however, is like getting excited about lung cancer.

p0pcult. Because the correct spellings were taken.

2009-02-19T12:19:00.006-05:00

Welcome to p0pcult. In this initial post, I had hoped to explain what exactly my mission statement is here. But I blow at mission statements, so early adopters are going to have to make up one on their own. Be creative: Maybe even make up a secret mission statement.

That said, here's the general plan: Ramble aimlessly about Movies, TV, Music, Video games, Sports, Politics, News, whatever. But we all know one dude does not a great blog make, so I'm enlisting some of the greatest minds you've never heard of to get the job done. They'll sound off here in a day or two.

p0pcult. Zero tolerance for stupid ideas -- Unless they're our own.